« August 2005 | Main | October 2005 »
September 25, 2005
Quid Pro Quo
Des Lynam: 'Mr smooth, but not averse to succumbing to female flattery (culminating in infidelity)', opined that 'kiss and tell' ladies were merely 'hookers who had deferred payment'
How very true. Apart from those pesky 'add ons'which some sex workers try to wangle,--- an encounter with an 'intimacy facilitator' is perfect in it's symmetry.
You give me..... i give you.....much like the checkout counter at Somerfield....though nobody has ever had to queue THAT long to hand over their hard earned lucre and i fancy the purchased goods are much more enjoyable.
It's the INTENT of these K&T bints that i so object to.
It's the same premise which would see a charge of manslaughter being raised to murder ---it's MALICE AFORETHOUGHT.
Christ these women make me ashamed to be female----and before they start foaming at their well used mouths and proceed to blather on about: 'doing stuff which should only be done in a loving comitted relationship'--PASS THE SICK BAG ALICE.
There's not much love in purloining a 'nice little earner' from bedding a celeb/footballer/David Blunkett/Beckham et al now is there??
Some poor guys have spent time in the slammer because these tarts object to being treated like 'hired help'. If a bird goes to the bedroom of a horny drunk/drugged up twat at 3 in the morning, the outcome is not going to be an in depth discussion on world povery or the works of Plato.
I tell you what, these guys would have less hassle----and it would be considerably cheaper if they just bit the bullet and called in the professionals.
Thats the WHOLE POINT of working ladies: 'a fumble on demand': SIMPLE!!----no agenda, nothing tricky, you never have to see us again, you don't have to take us out to dinner to placate us, time efficiency guarenteed.
QUID PRO QUO (OR IN MY CASE 150 QUID PRO........)
Incidentally, that WAS going to be the title of my BOOK, but as my Essex mate Harry snorted in derision: " Bleedin' 'ell LETITCIA---nobody speaks or reads Latin anymore---the public won't bleedin' understand what the **** yer book's abart!!!"
Ah, SIC TRANSIT GLORIA MUNDI.........
Posted by Letitcia at 11:46 PM | Comments (0)
September 23, 2005
Fear and loathing in my mouth
I had lunch with one of my dearest mates today.
We were nonplussed by the discription:'PANACHE OF FISH'
'What the fuck does that mean?'--(or words to that effect), i demanded (of my mate)-----for i would never address restaurant staff in that manner.
The (foreign) waiter informed us that it meant:'A selection'
Now that is utter gonads.
PANACHE means style or flair.
Seeing as my lunch companion was, for more years than she cares to recall, a stalwart of eating houses of the highest quality.....with a vocabulary and a brain to boot...we talked/sniggered about food terminology that is blinding the eating public with 'Juliennes and Confit's'
So here is a new SEX MENU:
'A symphony of sucking'
'An Aria of Aromatic armpit...drizzled with spices of the orient'
'Trussed Thai Tabasco Tits.....Hot hot hot..not for the faint of heart'
'Medley of mammeries'
' Baroque Baskets of Beautiful Bums'
'Trocadero ofTender Toes..suffused with panacetta of parsley'
'Concerto of home reared cock'
'A fecundity of fuck worthy flaps'(not that you will be able/allowed to)
'Roulade of rear end accompanied by home made organically grown sage sauce'
'Pasadoble of pussy---simmered in it's own 'jus'
'Pulchritude of Punani---- Surrounded with fruits of the forest with a smattering of icing sugar, drizzled with pinenuts gently topped with the softest of cream'
BUGGER ME, THAT LAST ONE SOUNDS SO GOOD, I'M GOING TO EAT IT MYSELF
Posted by Letitcia at 11:47 PM | Comments (1)
The price is right
The first thing a new patron says when entering the hallowed ground of my apartment is NOT: 'you don't get many of those to the pound'.....its: 'may i use your bathroom'........
Seeing a sex worker for the first time is, for many, a nerve wracking experience----it tests the water works and the control of the anus.
I have learned to stand in the doorway with fluffy towels and the command: 'it's that way' before they have uttered a word...like the world's ultimate mind reader.
Depending on how playful i am feeling, when asked about the availability of a toilet, i say either (like Lady Bracknell):
'A TOILET?'----'Oooo we don't have those kind of Modern conveniences....i just go out into the middle of the road and do it there'-----OR
'I'm afraid that's extra sir'
They are often in such a state of high expectancy, that by the end of their 'Trauma' (Body Worship session)---- THEY TRY TO PAY ME EXTRA FOR THE USE OF THE LOO!!!!!!
Those pesky little add ons eh???
I have heard of places where you need a pocket calculator, slide rule and a logarithem table, to work out the cost of the service.
It's the reason why i 'keep it simple' with my pricing---pretty much ALL YOU CAN EAT (finger food) 'SURF AND TURF'--within a specified time frame time. I don't want to lose the momentum once my creative juices (and his) are flowing. I don't want to renegotiate pecuniary advantages and go into battle all over again.
As Arfur Daly would say: 'the world is your lobster'
A reverse scenario would just be too unpalatable.
Just imagine--------
'would you mind taking your clothes off'
'that's a fiver extra that is'
clothes having been taken off:
'would you take your bra off'
'that's a tenner more'
the knickers still in place:
'and your panties'
'twenty quid'
'can i touch you'
'no, fifteen quid'
'how about oral'
'seven pound fifty'
'without a condom'
'another fiver'
'do you kiss'
The lady thinks long and hard:
'Well, ok another tenner'
'can i have sex'
'thirty quid'
'how about without'
thinks long and hard and begrudgingly answers:
'as it's you...another twenty quid mind'
'can you put some clothes back ON and do a fantasy'-----
AS YOU SEE,the list is ENDLESS.
When you see an 'A' Board offering lunch for an all inclusive price---you don't expect to spend any more than the going rate (drinks excluded).
Then there's the COMPULSARY SERVICE CHARGE.
Can you imagine how THAT would go down (no pun).
'that's an extra fifteen pounds sir'
steps back in amazement:
'for what?'
'service charge....i was nice to you....i got you out the door with my prompt service so you could pick the kids up from school....AND i did it with a smile.....fifteen quid'(a mere 10%)
'this is outrageous'
'and so are your demands'
Somehow i don't think it will fly do you?
Posted by Letitcia at 11:15 AM | Comments (0)
September 22, 2005
Running (sashaying) the gauntlet
Anyone would think this was a high profile hand -over at CHECKPOINT CHARLIE----jackbooted, surly, nasty uniformed Nazis to both left and right of me------and NO MANS LAND AHEAD OF ME----where the hell was i?????
I was striding towards the exclusion zone of the Grand Hotel in Brighton.
Yes, Tone and his henchmen in the New Labour Reich were heading our way. Every sex worker knows not to get too excited since thay are shite payers (bar the trade unionists)---but we all have our cross to bear.
A film of sweat formed on my upper lip and back---now that's fine if you're with a man---but not when you're wondering when the thud of the bullet or the sting of the taser is going to penetrate the Erotic Service Provider of Brighton.
I finally MADE IT!!!
I have never been so pathetically pleased to see my mate Jonathan: Head Concierge Man----(one of the few males that can hold an eye level conversation with me)
I went to the Ladies room and availed myself to the complimentary Fizzy Malvern Water------i poured one, and in keeping with my S.A.S/POLICE STATE/COVERT OPERATION/SPY/TERRORIST scenario---i actually REJECTED THE GLASS I HAD POURED AND OPENED ONE WHICH HAD AN UNBROKEN SEAL!!
On leaving the soon to be crime free bubble (though full of the bullshit which pervades politics)i stepped back onto a completely empty side walk-----with the eyes of at least 20 of the toughest roughest men and women you have ever seen (barring backstage at an A/C D/C concert).
I had nearly made it home free when a female police officer (with more X THAN Y CHROMOSOMES) approached me and said: 'hello'
HELP!!!!! My brain scrambles to: 'do not have any information on this' and 'what do i say/do'
If i respond, does that brand me as a terrorist intend on harming the realm--if i don't---do they second guess and give me the 'Marigold Sans Lube treatment?'
Hurraaaahhhhh!! ---i romped home----i mean NOBODY in the ranks of freedon fighters wears an £850 Phillip Treacy Hat!!!!
WORTH EVERY PENNY I RECKON.
Posted by Letitcia at 09:28 PM | Comments (0)
September 21, 2005
Absolute Power corrupting absolutely
When i read the following: " WHO CAN WE GIVE GONGS TO, TO GET A GOOD STORY"-----penned ALLEGEDLY by the rottweiler---ALASTAIR CAMPBELL----i cannot help thinking: HOW ABOUT ALL THE PROSTITUTES THAT YOUR GOVERNMENT HAVE AVAILED THEMSELVES TO????
....or at the very least a token ONE sex worker.
Dissemble your way out of THAT petal.
The Sultan of Spin eh??
I think the public is mightily cheesed off with all of the misinformation, disinformation-----and down right lies that newspapers, T.V (advertising) and even the Police try to foist upon us.
No wonder so many of the population have eschewed the thrill of grubbying their hands with news print or zapping channels on the goggle box. And respect for the law (unfortunately) is at an all time low.
It's all a form of human bondage anyway.
Just feed us dog do do---keep us in the dark---and abracadabra: an entire nation of button mushrooms.
Pliable and malleable, you just pull the strings and we do do what you want (except me).
The public eat shite food, read bollocks and spend so much time working to pay prohibitive taxes--there is not enough time or energy to think and learn---much less unravel all the messages that we are assailed with.
PERFECT for the government....weakened by lack of sleep, lack of knowledge...lack of will-------the plebs are grist to the mill until the day they die.
It reminds me of a book which i will write about later: THE RAGGED TROUSERED PHILANTHROPIST.
One of my favourite books of all time---and it made me angry.
Any way..i digress....about my GONG-------yes MY GONG.
I have greased the wheels of industry far beyond it's capacity to repay me..and i want to arise Dame Letitcia.
The Labour party, (and one or two of my long standing patrons) will be in Brighton in a few days time.....perhaps i should make a speech????
See you there AL
Posted by Letitcia at 10:03 PM
September 19, 2005
The unluckiest patron on the planet
Several weeks ago, i sat in a restaraunt/bar with a view overlooking the sea and the Brighton Pier.
Tears were streaming down my face.......
They were however tears of great hilarity.
Oh how my sides ached.
****ISSUES DISCLAIMER*****:the source of the story has given me full permission to tell the World Wide Web--i have merely changed the name.
Bruce was his name, and for 4 years he was my weekly patron (regular as clockwork)at one of the largest and best 'cathouses' in Sydney.
When i left---to go on my travels, and to eventually return to the U.K, he was obviously 'left in the lurch'.
We did however stay in touch---he was very kind to me in many number of ways---and i was very happy to see him again after an absence of ELEVEN YEARS.
For ELEVEN YEARS, Bruce had not been inside a woman...(maybe the Statue of Liberty....but that doesn't count!!)
Now in that time, my working practices have segued to the point that i DO NOT OFFER SERVICES OF A PENETRATIONAL NATURE.(
(And it has not ecaped my notice that i have been castigated for that, by of all people---- fellow service providers----like they don't have the bloody CHOICE)
'Body Worship' had been honed to such a point (or skill) which ever way you want to view it-------that it was no longer necessary and indeed was hardly EVER asked for
My dilema was: DO I TELL HIM BEFORE HE STARTS THE 13,000 MILE ARDUOUS JOURNEY FROM OZ???????
I decided to wing it---though several of my good mates were appalled at my treachery: "you mean he's coming all that way, after all this time----and you're not even going to FUCK him" they screamed.
I admit this line of reasoning did rather tickle my chuckle muscle---to the point that i self combusted with laughter when ever i thought of this connundrum.
He arrived, and over a convivial lunch---related the difficulty he had in finding an adequate 'replacement' after my departure.
Bruce was pedantic regarding personal hygine/cleanliness/diet and exercise----I mean, his underpants alone were starched and bleached to the most brilliant of white--------which is why i found his account of looking for comfort most amusing
He sought succour in the arms of: A CHUFFING STREET CRACK HEAD!!!!!
She was apparently 19, with a voluptuous hour flass figure and tumbling raven coloured hair,----that, and the full ruby lips sealed his fate.
She didn't actually have anywhere to take him for his pleasure----and he found himself in the back of a dirty mag shop in Darlinghurst Road-- in effect it was a wank room for the soiled raincoat brigade----
He paid her the money----AND SHE LEFT TO GET A FIX.
My poor bruce was left in a cum splattered cubicle with the detritus of fisting and doggie mags and the odd foil or stray needle---
Apon her return she disregarded dearest 'clean freak' and anally retentive Bruce----AND PROCEEDED TO JACK UP complete with tournique.
As if this wasn't bad enough, she bought back an Aussie staple---no, NOT a can of Recsh's Beer (brewed and ONLY found in N.S.W)--NOT a violet crumble (like a crunchie bar)--nor a 'sanger sarnie' (sausage sandwich)------A VANILLA SLICE.---this culinary treasure is basically COLD CUSTARD BETWEEN FLAKY PASTRY DUSTED WITH ICING SUGAR.
It's real messy!!!
She shoved the needle in her arm and the pastry between her scarlett lips--AND SIMULTANEOUSLY grabbed the dick of what must have been a mortified/terrified ex patron of yours truly.
My belly simply ACHED with mirth and merriment....and what was making me giggle even more was, after hearing this account of a disasterous coupling...did i confess that after 11 years and a not inconsiderable distance...THAT HE STILL WOULD NOT BE RAM RAIDING DOGGY FASHION.?????
Having mopped my tears ( i truly have never laughed so much) we made a date for the next day.
No worries, as they say in Oz-----guess what, ............HIS PREFERENCES HAD CHANGED TOO
Posted by Letitcia at 10:58 PM
September 17, 2005
Sex workers revolt
According to, shall we say a: 'HIGHLY PLACED SOURCE IN THE FIELD OF JOURNALISM'........
....i am reviled and hated.......by Sex Workers locally.
WHY??
Because they feel i have: 'gotten away with it' (i do not offer penetrational congress)
So much for the togetherness and the cammeraderie of the 'sisterhood'
They can all lick my left one.....
Posted by Letitcia at 11:06 PM
September 15, 2005
Prejudice
So the Army was recruiting at EUROPE'S BIGGEST GAY FESTIVAL---(they waved their handbags and cried: CCOOOooooeeeeeee!!)
Manchester Pride...and the appearance of both male and female soldiers were 'the first at a 'HOMOSEXUAL EVENT' according to the papers
HA!!!!
The taboos are crumbling very slowly---except in one very glaring compartment-----PROSTITUTION.
Much of the problem stemming from the fact that Sex workers are not as well organised as say: Peter Tatchell---who mobilised the Gay masses to say it loud and very proud.
And a grand job they have done too.
We have no figure head (and thank you for asking, but i have my hands full enough as it is)--and the very thought of throwing a Prossie Pride march/event is beset with the age old problem.
Nobody----OR VERY FEW would come---(no pun).
Sex workers don't want to be 'outed'---they fear it would be damaging to themselves, family---friends and that they would be shunned by the community.
What utter baloney.
It's our own thought processes and perceptions that hold us back.
My own experience has been absolutely the reverse----i am a 'well loved woman'---i have encountered nothing but kindness and consideration---encouragement and unstinting support.
Perhaps some of the other inmates of the industry should put their faith in the universe---
I think they would be pleasantly surprised.
Posted by Letitcia at 02:36 PM
September 14, 2005
That's ma' boy!!!
So, i flailed his bails---and i poured distain on his balls--
(I am speaking of the 6' 5" lad called: ANDREW (FREDDIE) FLINTOFF)
BUT---he has risen from the ashes (OF THE ASHES) of my derision----
I read through tear stained, celebrity/icon eyes-----the following:
'I'm ugly----i'm overweight--but i'm HAPPY'
'....it means i'll be awarded the freedom of PRESTON..my home town'
He then goes on to note that he can drive a flock of sheep (due to the Orwellian, Draconian, or even PLAIN FRIGGING daft laws of this land) through the town centre---drink in any number of the libation centers ---and even get a lift home with the Z-Car Police.
THAT'S MY BOY!!!!!
I take it all back.
A worthy winner---and with ethics to boot.
(It's a lady's perogative to change one's mind)
I LOVE THESE SIMPLE COUNTRY VALUES!!!!!
Posted by Letitcia at 11:43 PM
September 12, 2005
Inauspicious ending
If i can mix and paraphrase my poetry and classic sonnets:
'THEY RAGED, RAGED, RAGED--AGAINST THE DYING OF THE LIGHT----ENCOUNTERING THE SLINGS AND ARROWS OF OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNES----AND NOW THEY HAVE TREATED THE WINNING AND LOSING IMPOSTERS AS THE SAME----AND BECOME----->MEN.........
And what did they do????
Came to claim their worthy crown and illustrious prize...AFTER MONTHS of struggle and toil
After WEEKS of keeping tempers in check and manners at the highest level.
Our crowned gods have: A FUCKING BOTTLE OF BEER IN ONE HAND AND A PIECE OF FREAKING CHEWING GUM (WHICH I LONGED TO DIVE INTO THE T.V AND EXTRACT)IN THE GOB.
I felt so distressed i broke my diet and ate 30 kilos of chocolate.
I'm going to bed----what an anti climax.
Posted by Letitcia at 09:24 PM
September 11, 2005
Leather and a nice lick
I was surrounded by thousands of men in hot leather.
What a wonderful way to spend an afternoon--------
Once a year, Ace Cafe have a reunion in Brighton where oodles of bike heads> from the shires, local and INTERNATIONAL enthusiasts and scrag end from elsewhere, convene on Madiera Drive to do a bit of Biker Bonding.
Since it is only a hop skip and jump from my abode--it is customary for me to wade through them all---SEVERAL TIMES---to get caught up in the high octane atmosphere.
It's the highly polished chrome factor, fantasy helmets (of the crash kind)and the outfits which make it so goddam sexy.
On this occasion several years ago (i have a perusal every year)--i had to break short my pilgimage----to watch some petrol head action the the Telly......the Formula One Grand Prix was on-----and it had reached an exciting phase where the World championship was concerned.
I had nearly reached home when i heard the beep of a horn and a jingle of a tune.
It was an ICE CREAM VAN. At the wheel was a guy (fom Essex if memory serves me),who had come to sell his wares at the event---- and found there was no 'room at the inn'
However, having seen me---he decided to make his trip worthwile.
I have been pulled by many guys in my time--but I never been seduced by a 'MR WHIPPY'
I flirted with him and asked him who was leading the F.1 race (he was listening on the radio).
He handed me a '69' (ice cream with 2 cadbury flakes shoved in it) and said we should watch the remainder at my flat--a mere few yards away.
He was O.k in a ROUGH TRADE kind of way----and i said 'yes'.
He parked his Van with indecent haste, grabbed another couple of 'lolly gobble choc bombs' (blocked my neighbour's entrance.....oooohhhher!!!)and followed me up the stairs.
This is where many guys make the most basic of mistakes.
He made himself comfy---almost TOO much so. There is this phenomenon which occurs when a man who is lucky enough to pull--starts acting like a jerk.
He LITERALLY took his sandals off and PUT HIS FEET UP ON MY COUCH!!!!
They were none too clean. In fact they were disgusting.
He kept talking through the Formula One (even though i told him i wanted to watch it)---and STARTED TO TALK ABOUT HIS WIFE.
He compounded his mistakes by saying 'you're almost perfect----i bet you was ten-- fifteen years ago'
Then he displayed his rampant bigotry and pronounced that 'GAYS SHOULD BE SHOT'and that 'PAKI'S SHOULD GO BACK TO WHERE THEY CAME FROM'
He found himself summarily ejected within the time it takes to suck a popsickle.>
I think he got a parking ticket too.
Posted by Letitcia at 07:59 PM
September 07, 2005
Bailing out
Any body thinking of booking me in the next few days are either having a laugh----or must be prepared to watch Cricket at the same time.....
Oh yes---the Ashes are coming home--and i want to see it in all of it's tear stained glory.
They say Jones is not fit for the test-------he's bloomin' fit enough for me!!!!
I will just have to make do with the rose lipped Flintoff.
I may not be a mid wicket keeper's daughter--but my crease is fit for Lords
Posted by Letitcia at 10:48 PM