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October 25, 2005
The X FACTOR at the lick academy.
Any enterprising, forward thinking government would ensure that the male youth of today; for they are the ones holding the eggs in the sac---would have (knowledge wise) the best possible sexual start in life----together with knowing the date of the 'the great fire of London' and the names of the fjiords in Norway.
As we well know (sexual start wise) this is not the case---this is what i recommend dear pupil:.....
Certain countries have COMPULSARY NATIONAL SERVICE----i just think it should be compulsary for young men over 16 to do a stint at my ACADEMY FOR BRIGHT YOUNG THINGS.
Now there's an opening for a bright young lad!!
There will be an obligatory stipend ( to cover the cost of food----you are, after all, GROWING lads -----and the cost of tissues)-----though in exceptional cases: where the young buck is cute as a lace panty or with a tongue that makes Gene Simons look like he has a cleft palate, you can be placed on a 'Scholarship' at my discretion.
Lessons would not start until 2pm (morning orgasms make me sleepy) and none of the pupils will be allowed to bed down with teacher,-------knowing, as i do, that i would never get a minute's peace.
This country has gone totally to the dogs, built as it was, on the THREE R's.
My utopia is based on good old fashioned values---it's called----------THE THREE C's---and if you don't know what it means, then you have no business aspiring to this citidel of learning.
The first lesson will be a field trip to a local dogs home. I have negotiated that my 'creme de la creme of little boys' will visit when the canines are being given a bowl of water.
Study very carefully-----this forms the nucleous, nay, is THE ENTIRE >BASIS of this seat of erotic instruction.
Apon arrival back at my lair---students must do their best to emulate the soft, sweet, wet, lick of tongue to water ---from a receptacle of their choice.
This receptacle will be neither bowl NOR vagina. You must practice practice practice.
When i deem it time for your first test (mock O's) you will start with the inside of a fleshy fruit: pomegranate/fig/ OR the inside of an overfilled peanut butter sandwich. Both tests carry the same points.
This exam is merely for me to observe the deftness and dexterity with which you approach your task.
When i am satified, then i will go to O levels for real.
There is no time limit (unlike most formal exams) though you COULD be finished within 5 to 10 minutes.Alternatively you could be there all day long.
Failure is not an option.
Pupils who complete the test with honours have the option to go the Advanced levels of excellence.
You won't actually get any better---but you'll make teacher very happy
Posted by Letitcia at 06:50 PM
October 24, 2005
My name is Sperm--SUPER sperm
I love a practical joke...so when my mate Harry was crowing about his prowess and his ability to impregnate his gorgeous partner Tracy (with certainty) ON HIS FIRST ATTEMPT, something had to be done.............
I was lucky enough to be in collusion with the fun loving Tracy----who thought it would be good for a giggle, and she gave me all the ammunition i needed.
This was going to be a great 'sting'
He had boasted to anybody that cared to listen, within a 5 mile radius-----'yeah, i reckon my sperm is turbo charged...it's super sperm'
He was due to go on holiday to see his ma and pa abroad---and to tell them that (according to the pathologists) they could be grandparents once more.
Tracy showed me the test results from the laboratory---so i had the advantage of technical jargon with which to reel him to his impotent demise. What little minxes!!!!!
Timing is everything and i decided to be the bearer of bad news ONE day before he was jetting off to boast of his industrial strength baby batter.
I'm not the best impersonator in the world ( i decided to bring his macho world crashing around his penile prowess via phone) but i do a pretty nifty Irish accent.
I raised it a few octaves to Mrs Doubtfire type proportions.
'Allo!!!'barked Harry (he doesn't 'answer' a phone---he snaps at it like it's annoying him in the middle of knitting a scarf)
'OOOoooo, would that be Mr Jones?'
''Yep' he snarled guardedly
'This is terribly embarassing-----i'm sorry to have to inform you-----you DID have a sperm test on the 15th Feb did you not?'
Suddenly i had his attention, and i detected the smell of fear down the telephone wire. He rapidly switched the background music off so he could hear one of his best mates conning him.
'Yeah, i think it was on that day---is there a problem?'
'Well, now let me see----it's just that there were TWO Mr Jones in the laboratory that day----and i know it's bad luck but the initials were almost the same------and somehow the results got switched------'
I scrunched my fist into the quavering hole that was my mirthful mouth. Delicious!!!!
'What are yer sayin???' demanded a not so cock sure Harry
'Now dear---i know you are upset---and i don't know how the mix up occurred---but your results indicate a low---indeed scant presence of sperm at all!!!!!'
I swear i heard his gonads drop. I thought he took it pretty well bearing in mind that he had gone from hero to zero in the time it takes to say the word 'wank'
He said he was going on holiday---and that he would reschedule when he got back. He sounded crestfallen.
I suddenly felt guilty, i couldn't let him suffer for an entire 8 days.
I gave him a few hours of agony and then decided to go and visit him in his retail emporium.
He was ASHEN FACED.
'What's up?' i rhetorically asked
He tried to act casually---but i knew the fear he was hiding.
There is only one thing worse than being called a dud fuck----and that is an impotent one.
His very 'raison d'etre' was in question.
I patiently let him relate the story, bade hime a good trip and counselled him not to 'worry too much'
As i walked out i said, (IN MY RICHEST 'ORISH ACCENT)----------------- 'Fancy having a scant presence of sperm'
I was 200 yards up the street before i heard the most digracefull barrage of profanity.
Mission accomplished!!!
Posted by Letitcia at 12:13 PM | Comments (0)
October 20, 2005
S.T.D ---S.O.S
Guys and gals, (also guys and guys) and all of the variations on a theme are STILL-----after all this time---with all of the information freely available through government initiatives/trusts/charities---------- having uprotected sex after a 'skin full' on a friday/saturday night (to say nothing of the rest of the week).
They are getting infected with variations of the S>T>D's (plus the big A)that pervade our society today.
And they bloody deserve it.
Not that catching something is such a biggie...it's just like catching a cold/flu....only slightly lower down.
It's not the end of the world and in many cases the remedy can erase the disease if not in 24 hours, a few days.
Now, i am talking about CIVILIANS here, NOT sex workers.
They really are beyond the pale.
So much filthy lucre is thrown away on what i consider to be these undeserving members of the community.
'Dont die of ignorance' was the slogan for safe sex---these dolts are potentially dying of terminal stupidity
I'm all for the Darwinian theory for 'survival of the fittest'
Let the buggers die if they know the consequences and do it anyway.
Chasing Aids has become a modern day phenomenon amongst NON sex workers (sad but very true)---they think they will bag free housing from the nanny state (and they DO)and then they also don't have to worry about condoms because they are staring at a death sentence anyway.
They say youth is wasted on the young----well, huge health budgets are wasted on this collective lunacy.
Letitcia hath spoken!!!!!
Posted by Letitcia at 02:04 AM | Comments (0)
October 13, 2005
It's official
The incompetent pieces of gobshite that are the Brighton and Hove council have instigated a questionaire for sex workers.......so they might be able to implement some policies to be included in a strategy....for dealing with the 'PROBLEM WHICH WILL NOT GO AWAY'
Would it harm the 'keepers of the flame' too much if they had a rudimentary insight into the machinacions of the sex industry in thier city?
I have this very minute completed a form (for which, incidently i will receive the princely sum of 5 pounds) that is so heavily loaded in the direction of THE HOMELESS, THE WEAK, THE PREYED APON, THE SUBSTANCE ABUSERS (I WONDER IF CHAMPAGNE COUNTS!!!)----that i'm beginning to wonder if i picked up the wrong form.
There was one question which left me wondering if i inhabit the same planet as my fellow man:
QUESTION 68 ASKS: 'which policies would you like to see included???'
One proposal is (i am not making this up!!!) ****drum roll for the most stupid thing i have EVER seen in print******
'JOHN'S SCHOOLS WHICH EDUCATE MEN THAT IT'S WRONG TO PAY FOR SEX'
I wrote in the space available 'Are you ****ing kidding me?'
Posted by Letitcia at 12:57 PM | Comments (1)
October 12, 2005
Frigid Women
I wrote the following in my book: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS FRIGID WOMEN----ONLY INEPT MEN.
I HAPPENED TO SEE A PROGRAMME LAST NIGHT.
It was 'sex doctors' or something or other...designed to tittilate, shock and amuse i guessed.
This poor bloke thinks he's 'givin' it large...in multiples'---and his star- struck T.V whore of a cupie doll decided it would be so spiffing to deliver the bad news to Mr Loverman whilst we all looked on in mounting horror.
I really felt for the guy, and i could understand his less than supportive stance: 'i'm all right jack (i can come whenever i want) so it's up to her. OUCH!!!!
I would also (if i was him) wonder what ELSE she was lying about.
I mean, that is about the biggest lie in a man's life....
Most verbal parting shots ( when a relationship ends badly)are the along the lines of: "YOU'RE A DUFF SHAG, YOU NEVER EVEN GOT CLOSE TO MAKING ME WET, YOU COULDN'T GIVE A VIBRATOR A HARD ON......AD NAUSEUM" ----a nanosecond before slamming and splintering the front door from it's hinges.
Those words wound us to the core, ....and that goes quadruple for the ego of the man----since dick and man are, more often than is sane, inexorably welded together.
I thought for a guy to be held up as WORST LOVER IN THE UNIVERSE, that he was very stoic----or was it because he wanted to get his butt seen on the tube?
In which case, it was NEVER worth the ridicule.
Posted by Letitcia at 01:02 PM | Comments (0)
October 06, 2005
The Tricia Goddard Show (they think we will swallow anything!!!!!)
I would like to confirm that the Tricia Goddard programme would like to book you for an interview.......(Townhouse t.v Channel 5).....
..well 'whooopy do' you may think.....WRONG
Here follows an email that i sent to the producers today........
Greetings, to say i was somewhat perplexed and bemused by the outome of the telephone conversation with **** yesterday, would be an understatement too far.
I admire her bravery.....it could not have been an easy call to make.
To segue from what i (erroneously) assumed would be something even remotely and tenuously linked to the sex industry----to family disputes----words (for once)fail me.
Like i said to *****: 'are you kidding me or what?'
I have no way of knowing if this was your intention all along, or whether the planned show fell through. ***Authors Note***i know what i ****ing well think!!!!!
I was non plussed to be asked to provide a family member (who would supposedly not agree with what i was doing)
From the lengthy conversations i have had both with yourself and ***** you both know only too well this is NOT the case...and i would NEVER be complicit in trying to provide that----simply to make an appearance on the 'goggle box'!!
Then to be asked (at 48 hrs notice)to provide various people from the sex industry was somewhat insulting.
Had i been given enough time (our original communication was aeons ago)...i can think of some cracking characters who could have provided lively debate.
But then, these same people would not want to be misrepresented and manipulated.
I think the general public got wise to this with Vanessa Feltz.... ****i should have put EXPOSE******
I may not be stupid but i am ignorant and naive with regards to Television. Not any more though!!!!!
It has been an expensive lesson.
I will swallow my not inconsiderable loss of earnings along with feeling like a chuffing idiot.
regards
Letitcia: Erotic Service Provider and author of the book BODY WORSHIP.
Posted by Letitcia at 12:19 AM | Comments (1)
October 02, 2005
Don't put your Daughter on the stage Mrs Worthington
'The audience will love you' he said
Buoyed up by his enthusiasm, i foolishly muttered 'OKAY'
Most of the things that i have done of an outrageous/sexual nature----have been behind closed doors.
So, am i on 'BIG BROTHER'(NOT WATCHED IT) or 'I'M A CELEB'(HAVE, AND THOROUGHLY ENJOY)????
No, (though TRISHA GODDARD SHOW BECKONS IN A FEW WEEKS).
I have given the thumbs up to APPEARING ON STAGE ---at a venue in Brighton.....and talking a load of cat sick about WHATEVER I WANT!!!
Best get your appointments in fast lads....BECAUSE, for me a pulminary embollism beckons.
The evening will naturally be sponsered by Pampers Nappies and Shanks Armitage----'cos i AM SHITTING MYSELF
Posted by Letitcia at 09:40 PM | Comments (0)
October 01, 2005
A funny thing happened on the way to the Forum
"Are you still here, you cum splattered dog whore?"
And no, it wasn't a witheld phone-call......... nor a stupid text.
It was written/directed toward my good self, on the public forum of my provincial Newspaper: The Argus. It was also one of a number of muppet's opinions.
Now get this---they (the moderators) suspend or drum people out of the forum for making anti WHATEVER statements about religion/colour/ creed/sexuality...and to boot, anything inciting hatred...... but it's okay to call me that???
Naturally they (the odure throwing dissenters) are faceless munters who hide behind their very anonimity.
They have the luxury of knowing my profession/vital statistics/age/ and a comprehensive visual via my web site.
Not unsurprisingly, they hide behind e-commerce---they never venture to Forum meets/piss ups (which i, on the other hand HAVE-----TWICE)----they never give anything away about themselves with regard to name- rank -serial number-status-nor even gender or sexual orientation.
They are 'bottom feeders' who survive on trawling for the plankton/information of other forum members.
The Web is a perfect environment for these non entities, and whilst my right hand screamed:'MAKE LIKE NORMAN BATES IN PYSHCO AND KILL THE RUDE OBNOXIOUS TUBS OF SILAGE'------i typed measured, calm, incisive responses to the vitriol emanating from a secret place.
I like to think that i made them look like a boil on the anus of humanity.
Posted by Letitcia at 10:57 PM | Comments (0)