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April 28, 2006
Dying to get laid.
'He died with a smile on his face'.....how many times have we heard THAT expression......
Here is how OZ 'whore houses' used to deal with that untimely demise while the dead or dying were locked in the arms of a 'comforter of men' ........
I once saw a programme about how happy holiday makers at Heathrow can be transformed to white face ghouls by the sudden heart attack of a relative.
So many people pass through the airport in a day---that statistically it is bound to happen.
While i cannot say that the brothels of Sydney have that amount of turnover, occasionally due to the high octane excitement of being given a 'seeing to' customers have been known to carp it on the 'vinegar stroke'.
Bad enough for a lady to lose a significant other.....but to discover that his last breath was on the perfumed skin of tart is grief beyond measure.
Now we didn't actually have a ' Hospital Theatre' of sorts....but certain medicines were on hand, and besides..... lots of the workers had a nursing background.
It is terribly bad publicity to have paramedics/police outside a house of ill repute...so who you gonna call???
The 'Saints of Subterfuge'-thats who.
Where possible, all gentlemen of advancing years were assigned to a room next to the stairs which led down to the back entrance (OOhhh Matron)......and that was how the grieving widow would be sheilded from the final act of unfaithfulness.
Harold was such a case, he didn't die...but he was always given the 'special room' just in case.
His Missus would never in a month of muff munching have thought her old duffer of a hubby was 'givin it large'
Well, not quite large.......but he tried
He was a sweet old boy, and one day i asked him what he would do if he kicked the bucket while on the job.
The thought really horrified him
'But surely that is the ONE time in your life that you DON'T need to worry about what other people think' i said.
He set his pork pie hat on his wispy haired, bespectacled head and as he bade me farewell said:
'OH NO LETITCIA YOU ARE QUITE WRONG MY DEAR...REPUTATION IS EVERYTHING.
Posted by Letitcia at 01:18 PM | Comments (0)
April 17, 2006
Semen sucking sisters
So i (single handedly) restored the 'cock confidence' of a dear patron....and what happens???
Yes, he goes out on the pull brimming.. nay.... bristling with newly invigourated testosterone he pulls a sweet li'l thang....and its on for young and old.
He declines the 'would you like a coffee' (good boy...i taught him well)...and fixes another date.
Cue a rendition of 'Tonight's the Night' by Rodders......and my student of seduction is away.
2nd date...back at her place....wine...music...'would you like a fuck?' (answered in the affirmative)...up the stairs....remember all i taught you boyo!!
Worship her body in every nook and cranny (give an extra 20 minutes if the body is of BBW proportions).
The orgasm arrives (and since i know he is brilliant..i assume she didn't fake it)
Now its his turn
He closes his eyes and waits for well earned RAPTURE.
He hits the ceiling!!!.....but not for the right reasons.
It is surely a bit of a pisser to end a date with half a roll of Andrex Super Soft wrapped round the 'old fella' and a modicum of A rhesus negative splatting on the bathroom floor.
SHE HAD BITTEN HIS COCK!!!!!!
Is it any wonder men speed dial 07774 697776....teeth displacement guarenteed........
Posted by Letitcia at 08:39 PM | Comments (0)
April 14, 2006
Muff Munchin' Muslims
...So Playboy is enjoying a torrid time in Indonesia...their offices have been besieged by misguided Mullahs (are there any other kind)..and their acolytes, and these drongos are burning the place down.
What dickheads......
......they don't mind munching a Mc Burger wearing baseball caps adorned with 'NY' or Nike a-la-Beckham but the prospect of munching an American Mc Furburger ....well.....you catch my drift.
Playboy has arrived, introducing American homespun pin ups to rival the local lovelies and the moral sensibilities of the guardians of all that is saintly and true are crushed and on the moral rampage.
American sentiment being at an all time low...the idiots have gone for a knee jerk reaction........how bloody predictable.
(Have you ever noticed the ones punching their fist of vitriol in the air are not...ahem 'the prettiest boat on the sea'?)
How i despise these puke making punks. They espouse all that (they think) is good and right,though their 'Main man' doesn't even have a FACE....yet if a bit of infidel punani comes their way...they are up it like the proverbial rat up a drainpipe.
BASTARDS!!!!!!....how i loath hypocrisy.
I have seen Prime Ministers, Heads of State, Ministers of all the toss in the uniiverse.
If they have been Muslim......THEY ARE THE WORST OFFENDERS.
SO..you know what?....Eat clit and die you misinformed prats.
**** your stupid homespun pronouncement on high
****your cunting 'we are better than you because our women wear a shitty head scarf'
**** the fact that you NEVER go down on a woman
**** your pathetic belief that 70 something virgins will be waiting to worship you after you have blown your self up......i want to see your idiotic face when you realise...you have been duped
**** your ideology that has brought so much misery to innocent citizens
Basically: **** YOU.
Get yourself a Muslim service provider........and leave us wonderful people the hell alone
**I would say Happy Easter but i think that particular head man is an even bigger twat**
Posted by Letitcia at 11:34 PM | Comments (0)
April 09, 2006
The slapper and pistol packin' pete
'So how many men have you slept with Letitcia?'
'As a generality i am wide awake...but a certain lethargy has crept in occasionally' i answer
HOW MANY TIMES HAS THIS Q&A been played out!!!!...........
It's a pigging cheek to ask this question......
Why? Because the blokes have to practice on something or somebody.....the recipient of their attentions cannot have always been farm animals or blow up dolls.
Years ago every man said he wanted to marry a virgin yet also wanted to 'sow his wild oats'
You do the maths.
So many interviewers (so few machetees around when you need one) ask the same question...like the reading public would be remotely interested or like i HAVE ACTUALLY KEPT A TALLY.
Number crunching is a bloke thang.....like it's something to be proud of....it makes you A REAL STUD...YOU ARE THE MAN, RESPEC' ALL ROUND.
I am surprised that there are not more laydeez 'skinned alive' and hung in the 'TROPHY ROOM'...along with the tigers, antelope and stags.
'They won't respect you in the morning' was the old chestnut our dear mothers' routinely trotted out to us teenagers as we bolted out the door to our Saturday Night Shagfest.
'Nobody wants the village bike' (WELL YOU COULD'VE FOOLED ME!!!!) mum would say, apropos of nothing...as she powered through 4 solid hours of back breaking domestic ironing.
Naturally i didn't listen, and every present a young dude gave to me was viewed with deep suspicion by dear Mamma.
'They didn't give you THAT for nothing, THAT'S for sure' she would mutter as i showed her my latest offering of love and devotion from my latest beau.
BUT I DIGRESS.
Basically, the more women a man has bedded is viewed with admiration verging on prowess worship.
Yet (annoyingly) the converse is true where us gels are concerned.
We are sluts, tarts, slappers and (confusingly) called 'WHORES'
So the men are praised and we are vilified and castigated for following or 'giving in' our urges.
Oh yes: SHOCK HORROR....women have urges too.
Admittedly maybe not sometimes as strong as our male counterpart (nor as phsically apparent).... but it is there nonetheless
I read the other day that the suave and debonair actor David Niven likened his rampant libido to: 'BEING CHAINED TO A MAD PARROT'
Well my 'little man in the boat' (clitoris for those unfamiliar with the soubriquet.....has an outboard motor which whips up the the waves of desire to match any typhoon.
So in answer to the original question as to the number of men who have passed through my welcoming arms i will say this:
MORE THAN ANN WIDDICOMBE AND LESS THAN THE ROLLINGS STONES, BEATLES AND HENDRIX PUT TOGETHER.........
Posted by Letitcia at 03:22 PM | Comments (2)
April 05, 2006
Oral Angel at the adjoining table
The great thing about being 'self employed' is that one can take a coffee break whenever you feel like it.........
....so i found myself seated at my local yokel coffee outlet-- with my libation of choice, when i saw a woman seated in my direct line of vision.
Now i think that it's uncool to look for more than two and a half seconds...anything after that is STARING...and that is just plain RUDE.
But this woman was....she was just.......
Firstly when i glanced at her approaching my peripheral vison i sub- conciously thought: 'OH, sweet Jesus, more on clothes and less on chocolate Missus'
Now, i have a certain robust charm but this was a 'who ate all the >pies' football chant personified.
THEN THE FOOD ARRIVED.
It took THREE waiters to deliver the calorific needs of this lady lump.
And she started.
The world stood still for this female feeder of frankly farcical proportions.
She swooped eagle like to her prey.
The table was her altar...and she worshipped with the devoutness of a true believer........BOY DID SHE LOVE HER TUCKER.
I mean, she REALLY FUCKING LOVED IT.
She had ordered: not one, not two but THREE SALMON BAGUETTES WITH CREME CHEESE. There was a forest of salad and she squeezed (with her dinner lady arms)lemon all over the heavily laden plate....like a lover spraying his 'bit of filth' with spunk.
She had a smoothie and an edible edifice of carrot cake as back up, in case she keeled over due to malnutrition.
BUT IT WASN'T THE AMOUNT OF FOOD, IT WAS THE WAY SHE PROCEEDED TO DEMOLISH IT.With a certain beatific look on her face she started to devour her lunch with such longing and lust that it was embarassing.
She was a mountain of mastication. The morsels were barely given 3 chews before she was shovelling the next forkful (should have been a shovel)toward her jaws, which were moving up and down as quickly as the piston engine legs of an Olympic sprint champion.
Give this lady a gold for gorging.
She gazed longingly at the rapidly diminishing fodder. Had a psycho run amok with a Samurai Sword and cut a swathe through the lunchtime crowd...she would NEVER have noticed.
She salivated and relished, her focus was completely and utterly the food.
Had the meaty morsels been a man...his testicles would have been searingly sucked up until they burst out of his eye sockets.
I left her on the home straight of her oral odessey...as i walked along the road i could not help thinking: I BET SHE IS AN ABSOLUTE ANIMAL IN THE SACK.......
Posted by Letitcia at 10:09 PM | Comments (0)