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May 26, 2006
Sexy Secretary meets Bonking Bank Chief
IT WAS A CRAZY THING TO DO..........So i was the woman for the job..........
I will never understand the willingness powerful men (or those in positions of high regard) have for living dangerously.
They are almost megalomaniacal in their quest for sailing as close to a sodding hurricane as they possibly can.
'Come to my office dressed as a secretary' he enthused
I love a bit of fun, so dressed in a severe black suit with cream lace 'body' (the ones with poppers at the crotch), matching gloves (even in 44%C heat) pearls, hair piled in a severe beehive, stockings (oh yes) lizard skin (classy bird that i am) court shoes and studious glasses...i announced myself to HIS secretary.
I carried a brief case but all manner of sexual paraphenalia was inside.
Yes, we did the 'crawl under the desk and blow me while asking a colleague about something important' fantasy.
Yes we did the 'turn the desk around so i can munch your shaven haven while looking at the view of the Harbour Skyline' thang
Yes we did the 'bang me from behind in front of the two way mirror which overlooked his workers'scene.
Yes we did the 'take a letter and a spanking Ms Jones because your last correspondence had errors' schtick.
You name it, we luxuriated and gorged on the feast that was NAUGHTINESS.
I didn't count on the finale...where we ride the elevator (no pun) of the tall glass and crome monument...with me reaching behind and pleasuring his (i thought) depleted AND spent cock with my lace gloves.
Everytime the lift stopped, he somehow gained an imperceptable measure of turgidity when another person entered.
We reached the bottom (ground floor)...but he wanted to go back to the top, so excited was he by the intrusion of different people temporarily entering our space.
This was all well and good....until one of his opposite numbers came ( i mean 'got in') in the lift and motioned that he had to see him urgently.
No problem you would think.
WRONG.
My Southern Belle lacy gloves had decided to weld themselves to his zip.
Why do i always find myself in the middle of a sexual farce of 'Carry On, Benny Hill, Are you being served, 'allo 'allo proportions?????
I gave a few frantic tugs but couldn't release the exquisite french lace.
His opposite number indicated that he wanted him to join him on urgent business immediately, so, since i was supposed to be a mere stranger travelling with Mr Bank of the Southern Hemishpere......i had to sacrifice my classy hand wear.
With one swift jerk (it had to be the ultimate jerk off)....i exited the corporate building looking like a Micheal Jackson reject.
I had sacrificed my fashion sense for a Master of the Universe with a jagged zip.
One week later he reunited me with the said glove.
It was ripped and covered in spunk.
How i have to suffer for my art......
Posted by Letitcia at 12:17 AM | Comments (0)
May 19, 2006
Drunkards, Dullards---- and Dole Bludgers
I have had a rather torrid 10 days.......
The scum of this earth (as documented in my last two posts)....see me as some kind of presence which need to be lambasted.
I don't know WHAT it is about me.
But these twats think it is their drug addled, alcohol fuelled, piss stained and dog breath RIGHT to harrass me.
***Letitcia sits in the sunshine (yeah, actually found some in the UK)...and contemplates a 20 minute break from the cares and woes of the universe with a steaming cup of decaffinated latte coffee*****
All was going swimmingly, until a moron from out of the sewer descended with a toothless glower.........
'OI...YER DON' 'AVE A RIGH' TA DRESS LIKE FERKIN BOY GEORGE'
This THING was standing over me...clutching a can with 1664 on it (dunno the brand).
Oh for fuck sake, can't a lady who is trying to find temorary solice in a hot steaming drink...get a bit of peace????
I felt intimidated and stood up..left my coffee....and my mini oasis of calm in the desert.
***ALL POINTS BULITTIN.....IF YOU ARE A MILIONARE WITH A FONDNESS FOR ORAL..AND HAVE A SECRET ISLAND, PLEASE CONTACT LETITCIA ON 07774 697776.....I WANT TO STOP THE WORLD AND GET OFF******
Posted by Letitcia at 07:17 PM | Comments (0)
May 12, 2006
Baby breeders, alcoholics and psychopaths........
I am as mad as hell i am not going to take this any more.........
Every one has problems and everyone is battling against a tide of incompetence and inertia.
Therefore, when i visit my local off licence....we have a jolly good ,laugh-- moan---- weep---- depending on the subject of the day.
There is the beautiful Anya, who gets aggro on a daily basis from the Drongo Drunkards of the world
The lovely Lindsay, who is told (by the authorities no less) that SHE is the problem, as a licencee.......rather than the wino shoplifters who daily enter----- and act in a thoroughly threatening and nasty way.
I battle my own demons...but sometimes it all gets too much.
Yesterday was such a day.
I have already told of being 'dissed' on the bus by the venomous 'Vicki Pollards' of this huge sink estate called LIFE.
Yesterday i went to collect a Recorded Delivery Package (i wonder if orgasms can be like that...that way you can guarantee they arrive)...standing dutifully and uncomplainingly in the ubiquitous queue i heard a fractious: 'MIND WHERE YER FUCKIN' GOING'
'Letitcia', i thought...'is there ANYWHERE that is abuse and aggravation free in this freaking world'
I looked round and saw the embodiment of pure venom, evil, nastiness and bullishness.
He was a cross between The Yorkshire Ripper, a renegade bare knuckle fighter and a gypsy.....(with apologies to all the above)
He picked on a sweet young lady with ''ho the **** da ya fink you are ya ****in' bitch'
The queue froze..who was going to defend this lovely innocent woman?.....Nobody...that's who.
I exempt myself due to being next in line for my 'package'...and due to the fact that if i had one more altercation......i would be a fully paid up member of justifiable homicide.....since i was (on that day) sailing pretty close to the edge.....
I did whisper to her as i passed on my exit..'i am SO sorry you have had to put up with that'......
So, next stop was to my drink providers.
Again, i am in a queue....when i am served, as usual we banter..while the wrapping, paying, correct change and felicitations are exchanged.
I didn't figure on hearing THIS..........
'AW MY GAWD THIS IS DOIN' MY ****IN' 'EAD ..WHY DON' LADY ****IN MUCK **** OFF ...I CAWNT ****STAND THIS...I BIN STANDIN' IN LINE ALL ****IN' DAY......CAN'T SHE STOP ****IN' BUNNYIN' AND ****IN PISS OFF.....or words to that effect.
How the double sized Mars and Snickers bars (displayed at the counter) did not find themselves in the dingey amphitheatres of the toxic twins' CUNTS...is a testament to my upbringing.
I returned to the scene of the crime today and i did a take on a Monty Python sketch:------'Oy you lot..is this the right place for a 5 minute or a TEN minute argument?'
Much laughter...... i continued.......'mind you i have a yen for abuse...where do i go for abuse???....next door??????...righty ho....'
And Letitcia lives to fight another day with her 'Chuckle muscle' intact..........
Posted by Letitcia at 07:54 PM | Comments (1)
May 04, 2006
Summer in the City (back of my crack's getting dirty and gritty)
I travelled with the plebs on a bus today. It was not an enjoyable experience.......
The 'baby breeders' with their 'croydon facelift' and buggies the size of a Trans Am were also on the same route....being, as it is, one of the buses that wends its way to a council estate for single mums.
I don't know how these women ever get impregnated, thier manners are appalling, they are extremely plain, and practically everything but thier giblets hang out of their low slung Trousers/tops/skirts.......
In fact the estate should be renamed 'triplebaggerville'
There is an unspoken etiquette for bus riding, but all of the ride rules seemed not only to have passed...... but whooshed past me at warp factor 11.
PLEASE PAY EXACT FARE ON ENTRY it says (and funnily so do i)......but Letitcia's mind was somewhere else, and i strode past the nonplussed driver.
'Gotta ticket luv?' he shouted ---as i tried to pick the least dirty seat.
How embarrasing!!!!
Seeing as i could not sit in the seats designated for the elderly and ailing (though that was how i was actually feeling)....i sat in the seats pointing into the aisle.
My mind was still in the clouds when after the next stop i heard a spotty trollop complain:'You'd fink they'd bleedin' shift up'
I had transgressed yet again. The baby breeder had a souped up, piston acton, triple whammy of a sprog carrier, and she made exaggerated, exasperated movements of trying to fit a quart into a pint pot where the perambulator was concerned.
I could not see how shifting up a seat was going to stop her pram causing an obstruction...since it was as wide as it was long.
'Would you like me to move' i enquired helpfully.
Currant bun features gave me the gold medal winning indolent stare of the century.....she managed to mumble in my general direction: 'dunno 'ow ya fink tha' will 'elp'
Ouch!!!! She was pretty harsh on my Savoir Faire.
I don't belong in this universe any more methinks, and i certainly don't belong on the rat run that is the Number 7 bus.
Lucky 7 for some maybe.
I alighted at my stop and almost thought myself lucky to have escaped without a parting bon mot or Churchillian two fingered salute.
We must be grateful for small mercies.
Posted by Letitcia at 06:48 PM | Comments (0)
May 02, 2006
John Prescott and his unpaid prostitutes
'If i wus bleedin' Prezza, i would 'av banged 'em up the shitter an' bitch slapped them outta 'my grace an' favour mansion'
This was a conversation i had with my erudite and articulate mate 'ARRY...(Essex lad with a penchant for Shakespeare).....
'If i 'ad that much power an' ****in' money i would 'av better friggin' taste in beavers as well'.
Well said Harry..........
I must admit there has been the predictable: 'how could he...a married man an' all....abuse of position and power...'..when all i could think was: ARE YOU FREAKING MENTAL?????
He could have had prime prossie punani, they would NEVER have kissed and told and he would not have to suffer the indignity of being shown up for having NO BLOOMIN'TASTE where the laydeez are concerned......and even more worrying: HE THOUGHT HE WAS SAVING HIMSELF EXPOSURE AND MONEY.
What a Bozo.
Tell you what, prezza would NEVER have slithered under my ruthless telephone guidelines...i would have heard the distant thud of his obnoxiousness at his first spoonerism (or is that malapropism)
I cannot abide the familiar 'LUV'
I fail also to warm to 'what can ya do for me lass?'
When i look at Pauline (long suffering missus), she merely confirms my firmly held view...IT DOES NOT MATTER THAT YOU ARE GORGEOUS...NOR THAT YOUR ARE KIND AND SWEET AND A CUNNING COOK....YOUR MAN WILL ALWAYS STRAY
****There are very few exceptions******
You reap what you sow Mr Dep Prime Minister....best get yer Combine Harvester out........(Muppet)
Posted by Letitcia at 08:22 PM | Comments (0)