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August 31, 2006

Bogged down

You can tell alot about an establishment by the state of the toilet.........

So i was amused to see a headline the other day which proclaimed: ALL CISTERNS GO (duh).
There is an establishment in London which has unveilled a PAPERLESS LOO.

There are numerous handles and buttons to press which ensures whatever the nature of evacuation, you are going to walk away not only relieved but considerably refreshed and buffed to within an inch of your pubes.......
This whole premise is not news to me......but i fear it will never catch on.

Coming from a fairly poor background the OUTSIDE facility (yup) had torn up sheets of the Daily Mail to defend one's anal honour...and to this day people still give my arse close inspection to catch the headlines (hah).
It was SCRUPULOUSLY clean, scrubbed a zillion times a day my Mother and emptied several times a week by Da, UNDER THE APPLE TREE by rote in clockwise circles for maximum fertilisation.
There was honeysuckle growing over the roof....it was always sweet smelling and the wooden seat was always warm.
Sure it was inconvenient in the deep midwinter and a tad scary in the dark.....especially if a sparrow or two had nested under the rim, a mite frightening that!!!!

When we eventually had the same toilet as the rest of the country ------i disliked it.

My first encounter with a BIDET was in Ibiza whilst on an 18-30 holiday....i couldn't make head nor tail of it....and like Crocodile Dundee, it seemed more suitable for washing beach sand from the feet.

A few years later i was working for the civil service.....and the loo paper of choice was IZAL.......talk about cost cutting.
This was not 'absorb and clean' material....it was 'wipe and spread'!!!! It even bore the name of my Employer on each individual sheet.....and probably the entire country would agree that it was the perfect place for it.........

Then in Australia, while doing a short bout of light prostitution in my travels....these bidets popped up again.
I finally got the hang of vaginal douching....but what i DIDN'T get the hang of, was to return the lever back to the original position.
This meant that my co workers would catch a jet of water in their face as soon as they turned the taps....it made me mighty unpopular and i was labelled an' ignorant drongo of Pommieland'

Some of the Hotels in Japan had such sophisticated ablution facilities that i didn't even try to figure out the myriad levers and button.....and even though i had a smattering of Nihon-Jin......my Hirygana and Kategana was a might rusty.
Japan may not have won the war....but they damn well knew no filthy Gaijin Tourist would be able to understand the Hiyrogliphics....so they settled the Hiroshima score eventually.

I used to live with a guy who would ONLY shit and piss in OUR toilet.....WE OFTEN MADE 20 MILE ROUND TRIPS FROM THE SUBURBS OF SYDNEY.......and i must say that this phobia/idiosyncracy has made its mark on me to this day.
I have designated pit stops in Brighton. Nothing but the best for me. I blithly ignore the 'for Diabled only' signs....i need space and an airy cubicle.....not an enclosed box where i can smell the evacuation of the last 20 people

I don't use the main shopping centre toilets....people from sink estates don't seem to know how to take a dump without it somehow ending up in pebbledash fashion on the walls.....and they never consider giving it a 'mercy flush' before the next poor pleb has to use it.

So, its 5 star deluxe hotels for me....with proper washing facilities hand cream, bottles of still or sparkling water and super duper absorbant hand towels.
Most of the public Toilets in Brighton have been turned into cafes or flower shops....the rest have been closed due to the nefarious activities of the (seemingly) 90% Gay Cruising community and rest are off limits due to the skag head element needing a cubicle to take a fix..........

I would rather soil myself than suffer a train toilet...though interestingly there has been publicity about a 'loo charter' whereby passengers MUST be able to use one....as it seems on some lines, they are perpetually out of order and that is infringing the rights of train travellers.
For that reason Rail travel is a trial for me.
I suprised Mother for her Birthday a while back....the 4 hour journey rendered me in dire need by the time i reached my destination......i stealthily made my wary way into my Dunny Doom......guess what?????
I HAVE NEVER SEEN SUCH CLEAN PORCELAIN/FLOOR/BASINS IN MY LIFE
.
Probably because the Queen has been known to travel that way on the Royal train.......

Speaking of the Queen, she came to inspect the Airbase where my Brother in law was working....they repainted everything.....even painted the grass (according to him).....and erected a special Royal Outhouse.
When she had left.....THEY FOUND A FLOATER!!!!!!

IT WAS EXTRACTED, VARNISHED AND HAS PRIDE OF PLACE IN THE OFFICERS' MESS

HOW APT.

Posted by Letitcia at 01:39 PM | Comments (0)

August 27, 2006

Red Hat (Twat) Society

Standing in line at one of those infuriating snaking queues at the Post office....i chanced upon an acquaintence.
Swopping pleasantries we discovered we were both flying the next day to different distant cities for lunch.........

I was off for a spot of lunch and searching for prospective venues at the Annual Festival in Edinburgh.
She was catching the Eurostar to Paris.....and was lunching with 20 members of the Brighton chapter of a gathering called The Red Hat Society.

This 'club' was formed originally in America and it takes its name from a well known poem:

When I am an old woman,
I shall wear purple - -
With a red hat which doesn't go,
and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension
on brandy and summer gloves and satin sandles,
And say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
and gobble up samples in shops
and press alarm bells
and run with my stick along public railings,
and make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
and pick flowers in other people's gardens......you get the picture.

The manifesto blurb reads that:

The Red Hat Society began as a result of a few women deciding to greet middle age with verve, humor and elan. We believe silliness is the comedy relief of life, and since we are all in it together, we might as well join red-gloved hands and go for the gusto together. Underneath the frivolity, we share a bond of affection, forged by common life experiences and a genuine enthusiasm for wherever life takes us next." .........that was the just the ticket for me!!!!

In my haste i dashed off a quick jaunty/frovolous email to the chapter 'Mother' of Brighton Belle':

'That poem has always been one of my favourites.

Question: Do you accept Erotic service providers???

My current profession has never been an issue with people (I even interviewed the Mayor and Mayoress some months back)......
But I thought I ought to ask.

I have also been put down to 'perform' for the festival of age (though not in that sense) with Dora Bryan....I have a red hat and purple clothing...so I'm a shoo in really.

Please let me know your decision
Letitcia
www.brightonbodyworship.com (even my website is red and purple)'

Well i waited and waited and waited for a reply............in fact i waited so long, i had used all my Gillette G2 blades along with most of my Wilkinson Intuition and Venus ones too!!!

In truth i knew i had been ignored, and when i rang to enquire what was happening, i instantly knew from the terse and guarded reception that i was persona non grata

Of course she lied (how i HATE that) and i sweetly offered to send it AGAIN.

This is an abridged version of her reply:

'I don't have an issue with what you do. I think it should be legalised (maybe it is now I don't know) as there is a big market for your kind of service.
I am afriad I would not visit your web site as I don't want anything of a sexual nature on my computer and I wouldn't want to be bombarded with web sites of a sexual nature. I would not want the Brighton Belles or the Red Hat Society colours of red & purple to be assosiated with anything like that.

It's bad enough now when some people say "Red Hat no Drawers" and in fact one listener rang BBC Southern Counties Radio and said that exotic service providers during the second world war wore red hats as during the black out, they would be more easily recognised, and that's where the saying comes from.

When we meet as a group what we do or did as an occupation comes up in conversation and I do not feel it would be appropriate for the Brighton Belles. So I have to say no to joining us at this time'

Regards

Jesus!! I have been thrown out of better shitholes than THAT....i was not best pleased...i emailed back:

'It was good of you to take the time and trouble to respond.
What i do is totally legal .........
It is not the only thing that i do.

I have written articles for many national and local newspapers and magazines and also i do stand up comedy and after dinner speaking.

I have an issue with misguided and ignorant prejudice, and accordingly i will take this up with the European Community (i am au fait with the law)
---as your response has shown that my basic Human rights are being violated'.
L

OOOh, that put the her papal purple in a dizzying spin. Handbags at dawn!!!!!

She parried with a flustered 'don't threaten me' email, but then (presumably having made fraught calls (to other members) made another perfunctuary stab at civility

'Lets start again. It's not because of your threats but I realise I may have been rather hasty and some of my comments may have been hurtful to you.

That is not the kind of person I am, and I do not hold grudges either, hence, my invitation to you to forget the past and start anew.

You could give me your phone number so we could have a chat "face to face" as it were.

Otherwise, tell me a little bit more about yourself. Age, interests, hobbies, any children, grand children etc. This is what I ask all new ladies who show an interest to join.

I look forward to hearing from you'.

Regards

I decided to reply with the greatest of courtesy, and concluded with the words:

'It's not a biggie, I accept your decision (begrudgingly)....or maybe you can throw it open to the members to decide????'

NOW THAT WAS ONE MONTH AGO!!!!!
i have now made a decsion of my own.
To paraphrase Groucho Marx: I do not wish to belong to a club that would accept me as a member.

I mean, COME ON!!!!
I'm not asking for centre court tickets at the Wimbledon finals....nor backstage passes for The Monsters of Rock or Ozzfest.

I have decided to start my own.

THE GREY PUBE CLUB --------er, .......NO ......on second thoughts THE RED TWAT SOCIETY will not be run, or have a membership of judgemental bints.
This is the deal:
We will bear that particular moniker due to tireless pursuit of sexual pleasure.
Our twats will be red due to: WANKING, SHAGGING,LICKING, SPANKING-----and a cornacopia of neferious sexual activities.
Our lovers must be at least half, or (ideally) a third of our age.

This is where our experience counts.
We will seduce and educate the over 16 yr olds, who....lets face it...are sick to their blue bollocks of a perfunctuary lick on the tip of their bell end.
Us golden oldies know the drill, and we can administer the most replete deep throat this side of the black stump.

I related this tale of overt bigotry to a mate of mine.....saying that it originated in the USA--------
He said: 'Red NECK Society', more like........


Posted by Letitcia at 03:02 PM | Comments (0)

August 25, 2006

Profiling(part four)

A gentleman wished for an appointment today........

'Where is the accent from?' i asked
'Iran' he replied
(Gulp) Bear in mind that i have been speaking my mind rather freely in the last few posts.......

A time was agreed, he was travelling from London--and i needed to complete a radio interview all the way from Dublin Eire before he arrived.

'Just give me a call when you hit Brighton' i advised.
Half an hour later he left message stating he had second thoughts.

WHAT THE FUCK??

'I HAVE DECIDED NOT COME TO SEE YOU, I DO NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE AND I DO NOT TRUST YOU' was the message.

You have got to be joking....this, coming from nappy head central????
I rang Mr Camel Carouser.

'What is the problem?'

'I don't trust you, i don't have your address ---nobody will know where i am' he bleated

'I never give people my address until 20 min before the appointment' i argued 'the reason being, sometimes people 'jump the gun and arrive 30 min early or 3 hours late-----i need to be precise in the arrival time'
He was not convinced and i cancelled the appointment.

I thought about it afterwards and was bloody INCENSED........
I mean, lick my left one buddy!!!!

Really it should have been ME with the anxiety....being as we are, a nation on the lookout for mid-east frivolity of the nasty kind.
What the heck was i supposed to DO that was so awful with him????

Garrot, decsicate and hang his sorry ass for several weeks to make his dick halal??

Make him a sex slave? IN HIS WILDEST DREAMS!!!!
Hold him prisoner until the those held in the fight against the white christian infidel is crushed?

Quelle Drongo' as the Australasian/French neighbours of mine used to say.......
I Give up
The judge's decision is final and i am my own boss.

Dem's da rules....and if you don't like it you can pull your pud and save a king's ransom.

You pays your money and takes your choice...but please, NEVER INFER that you do not trust me!!
I have never lost a patron yet, they have all walked/crawled out of my abode considerably more enriched than their sorry ass arrival
I may have to institute a complete embargo on Middle Eastern Stupidity.......
That is the beauty about being your own boss.......

***Saunters away, pours more of the devil's alcohol----- and listens to the badness of rock music******

Posted by Letitcia at 08:15 PM | Comments (0)

August 24, 2006

Muslims (part 3)

Gee i hate being right all the time....
What did i say?-------I opined that the two tatty looking gents refused their flight due to terrorist fears would soon be telling THEIR side of the story......

Looks like they had a bit of a 'tub up' and they used their innocent doe like eyes to the max.
They kind of lost me when i heard the words 'Human Rights'............if that is not a Pavlov's Dog reaction i don't know what is.
I have been a 'victim' of profiling myself----and it was worth every hour (yes really) of my interrogation.

It was always thought that the Airline EL AL was one of the safest in the world, because of the mega stringent security.
Yes, ISRAEL was my destination and i was travelling with a mate (air hostess).

Because she did short haul trips to Egypt she was anxious NOT to have her passport stamped.
We had a wonderful holiday (lots of male attention) and checked in to Ovda Airport for the return journey.

They seperated us and started their well honed question routine. What was REALLY weird was the fact they LIED to my mate and told her i had made a side trip to Tel Aviv (i didn't) Jerusalem (i didn't) and Petra (i didn't).

What was all THAT about????

She's pretty cool and registered great surprise that i would have done anything more energetic that loll around in the pool or get laid by one of the handsome UN army officers that were on R and R in town (Yum)

Did we kick up a fuss???
Nah, we had enjoyed a break surrounded by some of the most stunning looking men on the planet and we understood that THEY could not understand why two likely lasses would come to a war zone of their own volition.
I think the Immigration officer finally understood when i sighed:' WHAT CAN I TELL YA...I JUST LOVE ISRAELI COCK'

Not one mention of human rights passed my lips
.

Posted by Letitcia at 07:52 AM | Comments (0)

August 20, 2006

Muslims (profiling part two)

I read with glee the account of passengers making a stand and refusing to fly with two 'suspicious looking characters' ....and i personally thought: 'HURRAH!!!!.....at last....English people growing a big set of balls........

How many headstones in English Graveyards should read: 'I DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE A FUSS'?
The bain of a Brit's psyche i think..........

But these Air travellers made a stand.........i was never prouder.
Then i read on............

They stated that: 'they were scruffy'.
Well that's Bible calling the Koran black methinks.......most English people (certainly in the city of BRIGHTON) look like they pilfered sacks of discarded clothes donated to Charity shops.

'They wore multi layers of clothes'........a word in your shell like you proles------ THEY ALWAYS DO!!!!

'They spoke a language which sounded Arabic'.......most British people would not know their Urdu/Hindi/Arabic/Rasta slang from their elbow. They are inherently lazy and their only concession to a foreign language is to shout louder when attempting to communicate.

Then i noted the posed portrait picture for the Sunday spreadsheet.
A Mrs Johnathon Ross wannabe........a prepubescent twinkie dressed like the young murdered U.S Pageant Beautyqueen (Benoit)....with the only saving grace being the stern, protective arm of daddy looking like he chooses Ariel Automatic for his whites.

And they have the gall to judge people by the way they LOOK????

So to use that governmental phrase: LESSONS CAN BE LEARNED.

Oi !!!!!!!!.......You slovenly shower of Islamic Males....smarten up for gawd sake....you never know, you might actually get LAID!!!!!

To their eternal credit, the two gentleman concerned uncomplainingly went with the security authorities and submitted to extra checks. If, however, i see that they sell a story headlined: 'MY AIRPORT HELL' amid claims of litigation...all bets are off, and they deserved everything they got.

Predictably,there are bleatings from our government/police/security: 'we cannot have the public taking things into their own hands'.

OF COURSE YOU CAN. A little less mollycoddled with bullshit E.U directive P.C rules......and a little more Bulldog spirit people Power, that's what i say.

****Letitcia dons a 'Woolfie' type beret, raises fist and screams POWER TO THE PEOPLE******

Posted by Letitcia at 06:06 PM | Comments (1)

August 16, 2006

Muslim Community Leaders get on my tits

The Airport debacle has annoyed the bejeezus out of me....i could cut those queues at one fell stroke......

I could not understand the blindingly obvious solution to the mayhem not being applied immediately
It is only in the last few days that journo's have broken cover and talked about 'profiling'.

As predictable as rain on a Bank Holiday, the Head Honcho Mad Mullahs are screaming 'civil rights' 'discrimination'...blah blah ad maxima nauseum.

Well bollocks to it all.

99.99% of those currently wishing harm on Britian/America/anycountry that does not want the will of Islam imposed are Weirdy Beardy Nappyheads......so why subject little ol' ladies, children,lads on a sex tour holiday, businessmen, and your common or garden WHITE NON MUSLIM to this shite??????

WHAT, BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT IS FRIGHTENED TO 'GIVE OFFENCE'????
Get outta town!!!!

If i hear the phrase: 'of course we know the majority of Muslims are peaceful law abiding......' i am going to hurl.
Do Muslims REALLY need this assurance? Are they THICK???

What ever happened to common sense??? It should be renamed: 'very frigging rare indeed sense'

When Britain was at war with Irish Terrorists....anyone with the slightest Oirish burr was immediately a suspect, and their arse was in the hands of the police until proved otherwise. PROFILING
Ditto 'stop and search' for gentlemen of coloured persuasion....the reason being that 90 odd percent of crime WAS commited by black men of a certain age. PROFILING

If it's good enough for the Paddys and Blacks, it can damn well be good enough for Muslims.

All of this softly softly, pussyfooting, skipping over eggshells and bombshells is simply not good enough.
The Community leaders should allay the fears of their Islamic flock.....but do they???
DO THEY HELL!!
They are FANNING the general feeling of unrest BY BLOODY DEMANDING SHARIA LAW BE APPLIED BY MUSLIMS IN THIS COUNTRY.
I also read that 30% of muslims want Britian to be an Islamic state.
Huh!!! In your dreams baby.

These workshy (they are ALWAYS on benefits) deeply unattractive(hit every branch of the UGLY tree when they fell) terrible lovers (i've tried..YUK) are only good for one thing: HATE, MAYHEM AND DESTRUCTION.....and the British Government are doing everything to smooth the way for their misguided desires.
I agree totaly with one columnist who wrote that: 'IT MAKES THE UNIMPORTANT MUSLIM ERRONEOUSLY ASSUME IMPORTANCE'
How i agree.
I THINK I MAY JUST GO AND HAVE A WANK BEFORE I AM CLITORECTOMISED BY THE DICKHEADS IN OUR MIDST.

Posted by Letitcia at 02:01 PM | Comments (0)

August 11, 2006

The nanny state does my nut in

Just how long is it going to be before some beaurocrat starts messing with my mojo?

World cup flags were deemed to be a health and safety issue, compulsary rooftop wind turbines are mooted to be forced on us, all in the name of energy conservation....and don't even get me started on identity cards.
This is how i see it:

Some Govenment Inspector surveys my boudoir with clipboard in hand. He points to my mattress.

'That will have to be changed to a Deluxe size'
'WHY' i demand
'We have had complaints from customers that the WORK BENCH AREAS provided by you lovelies are not big enough'
'Who did they complainTO...there is not a prossie ombudsman' i exclaim
'There is now sweetie.......OFFTWAT is the name and there have been quite a few compensation cases arise because of it'
'But it won't fit in the space available....all my mirrors are based around the position of my bed'
''AH' he exclaimed 'glad you mentioned that deary....mirrors are not allowed..health and safety issues and the paranoia of thinking they are being filmed, i'm sure you understand'

I stand with clenched fists, my internal combustion engine on the cusp of implosion. 'Anything else?' i enquire
'Yes, we must have uniformity with all working lasses.......'
'I don't DO uniforms.....'
'No, you misunderstand me petal' he cooes 'you all have to to be the same weight, age, height, ethnicity....'

He scrutinises me and finally opines ' and YOU don't fit into any of the categories.......therefore your right to service the men of the U.K and beyond is recinded'

I am for once speechless.

He coughs and whispers: 'of course if you sucked my cock i could turn a blind eye to your unsuitablity in this Brave New World'
'Nah', i drawl ' i don't see fuckwits with halitosis'

He saunters to the door and looks down the one flight of stairs....'Even if you HAD complied with my request----you would STILL require a Stena Stair lift for the Disabled'
I take deep breath and with all my might kick him in the testimonials...he lands in a disabled heap at the foot of the aforementioned flight of steps.
'Call an ambulance Letiticia' he whimpers
'Sorry matey' i call down 'I DON'T DO DISABLED'
'PLEEEEEASE' HE CRIES
'NAH....MORE THAN MY EX JOBSWORTH'

Offtwat indeed..........

Posted by Letitcia at 07:49 PM | Comments (0)