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November 29, 2006
The futility of Utility
I have been putting off this phone call for aeons....WELL, weeks anyway....
I just know that somehow my blood pressure will rise to dangerous 'you are about to have a stroke' levels.......
It was my onerous duty to ring British Gas. It was next on my 'THING I HAVE TO DO BUT I KNOW IT WILL BE A PAIN'
I HATE BEING RIGHT ALL THE TIME.
15 minutes later and i am shouting and spitting bile and invective into the mouthpiece..........AND I STILL HAD NOT GOTTEN TO SPEAK TO AN ACTUAL BRAIN DEAD, CALL CENTER PERSON.
I went through every version of the 'options' available and could not see how any of them pertained to me.
The temptation to ring the emercency service for a gas leak was almost (but not quite) too much to bear.
My problem (or rather THEIRS) was.....i had a gargantuan bill for gas used from Sept-Nov, and the key to this whole shamozzle was...IT WAS NOT EVEN MY METER.
They claimed they had read A meter....but it sure as hell wasn't mine!!!!!!
I finally got through to 'Mr disinterested of Wales'....(and i actually see that if you are mysteriously fluent in the Language you can ring a seperate number)
'Can i take your account no please'
'Sure'
'Can i take your name please'
'Yep'
'Can i get your post code'
'Okay'
'Date of Birth'
Fuck me, this was getting tedious...i wasn't asking to borrow 5 million quid
'Do you rent or own your property'
ENOUGH ALREADY........
'Young man why do you want to know that for my enquiry???' i politely ask
He gave an indolent Y-A-W-N
'we 'ave a list of qustions 'ere you see' he drawled in his sing song welsh accent
'Well, i would prefer not to be part of some census or social experiment thank you, i would like to talk about my bill'
'Okay'
'you have presented me with a ludicrous bill which in no way bears any relation to Gas that i have used' I continued 'the reason being...i have NOT used that amount of Gas' i very quickly and forcefully added ' and the reason i know this is: A) THAT IS NOT MY METER NUMBER and B)YOU HAVE NOT----AS YOU CLAIM, READ MY METER because C) YOU CANNOT ACCESS THE METER AREA WITHOUT A SPECIAL CODE FOR THE KEY LOCK'.
This put me in the too hard category for my Leek Lad, and he openly yawned with the inconvenience of having to solve a problem.
'Can you give me a readin now?' he demanded
'No i cannot'
'why not' (cheeky bugger)
''Because it is in the rubbish area, and i am not climing over the other resident's waste bags today thank you'
'Oh,......(he then went silent and started yawning again)........'
'You still there?'
'Yeah, the system is a bit slow'
NOT THE ONLY SLOW THING AT THE END OF THE LINE SUNSHINE.
Suffice to say, nothing was resolved---other than knowing in my heart of hearts that i have tried to avert a miscarriage of justice, and to right a wrong.......but sometimes...life is too short.
i will just wait for a computer generated final demand for Gas which i have not used...and try again.
I might just get someone who is awake........
Posted by Letitcia at 06:51 PM | Comments (2)
November 22, 2006
007 Heaven
Along (i imagine) with the rest of the country, my interest was piqued by the 'performance' of the New James Bond.
He is bloomin' HOT...........
I remember seeing Whoopi Goldberg in concert in Sydney.
In part of her act she fantasised about her two favourite men....namely ROBERT De NIRO AND SEAN CONNERY.
' I Would drink their bath water' she swooned 'i would have one behind me and one in front...and when i got bored i would just switch round'
Well, with Daniel Craig...i would drink something much more intimate.
WOW What a man!!!!
You can just feel his cruel mouth crushing youryour teeth back down your throat....you would be powerless to resist. One wouldn't be able to get away, since he is just too STRONG.
OOh Er Missus.
I watched the ladies in the Audience...and they were literally on the edge of their soggy seats.
This Bond will run and run....FINALLY....A REAL MAN!!!!!
Posted by Letitcia at 01:52 PM | Comments (0)
November 12, 2006
Suck and chop
Lets face it folks. The United Kingdom has turrned into a rather shitty place to live.....and i'm thinking of leaving.
Or i WAS..........but then the most extraordinary marketing opportunity was handed to me, from, of all places...THE DEPARTMENT OF WORK AND PENSIONS.
I am going to retrain for a completely different profession-------- and earn £11,000 a throw.
This is the reason: TRANSEXUALS CAN NOW COP £22,000 more from the government (that is why my operating fee is 50%) by retiring early....so best get in quick chaps!!!!!
I realise i will be working for a diametrically opposed team now...instead of being an avowed 'fluffer' of erections...i am now going to chop the bloomin' things off.
Form an orderly queue gents........
'Will it hurt?' i hear you ask
'Well lads' as the joke goes, 'only if you get your thumbs caught!!!!'
Posted by Letitcia at 09:27 PM | Comments (0)