« January 2007 | Main | March 2007 »
February 25, 2007
At least Tiscali goes down on me
No court in the land would convict me of FUCKING JUSTIFIABLE HOMOCIDAL INTENTIONS TO CALL CENTRE EMPLOYEES..........in India
Now i do not wish to start a racism incident, but it makes my blood practically seep from my tear ducts, when i am attempting to a) explain my internet problem and b) understand the answer they are giving me......when the technical support is somewhere in Karachi, Delhi, Bombay or Lahore......
Bless 'em...they do their best...but this is not a Peter Sellers/Sophia Loren movie....and my heart does indeed go: 'Boompity Boompity Boompity Boom Boom Boom' THOUGH not in excitement but STRESS.
It is not their fault, but,when one is in a state of high anxiety over the inability to send or receive emails.....or indeed to do any online work...it is important that i can discern the words that are spoken.
I must have spent £100 in phone calls to the irritating 0845 or 0870 numbers that are the only lifeline offered by the broadband provider.
What REALLY tips me over the edge of sanity/reason...is the lady (with an obvious cleft palate) telling me that..'lines are very busy...so please log on to www.waste your bleenin' time.com.
Gggggrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!
I would LOVE to log on, cop on, get it on.........but my internet connection will not allow me you silly cow!!!!!!!!!
I am mightily tired of being told on the first phone call: 'You need another micro filter'
The second call (micro filter having been purchased, but with no avail to solving the problem): 'There is a syncronicity problem'
The third call, which was in response to the modem working for a mere 36 hrs before reverting to obsolete: 'We think the problem is with your router'
This takes me into what is traditionally a lazy hazy day off.
This time, i continue with the nightmare of fixing a problem via phone to Rajastan and beyond......
Bless them, they are only paid a few rupees...but would it harm them to understand my displeasure and my agitation???
The final phone call ended with the 'Please have a nice day' bit of empty rhetoric from their: 'play it by the book, play it by rote' training.
Bugger computers, bugger broadband and bugger all companies who have call centres in the (verbally)least understandable location.
Bugger the lot of them...it's pigeon post from now on in.
If a would be patron requires my attention...they will just have to chuffing well ring............
Posted by Letitcia at 10:45 PM | Comments (0)
February 20, 2007
The Tax Inspector raids my vagina
U.K citizens are being bludgeoned by 'lets make a law up on the back of a beer mat' legislations that look into the ins and outs of a cat's bum..........
I often say: 'if it wasn't for bad luck....i wouldn't have luck at all'...but now i'm not so sure.
Mr 'prudence' Gordon Brown is really socking it to the poor beleagured masses in so many ways, i'm sure the public feel like a flippered pinball.
Not me.
Firstly, i don't smoke...so there will be no tobaco tax from ME laddie
I don't drive (well, only a hard bargain)..so no parking permit, road tax, drivers licence, road toll, congestion charge is going to squeeze money out of me sucker!
I am (amazingly) in the appropriate council tax band and my 25% applies annually...though i'm not quite sure where i stand with, ahem 'temporary visitors'...or maybe that is a headache for the next Census.
I do not own the freehold/leasehold of my property...so i don't have to have some government goon rifling through my rooms to seek out home improvments /view or patio(in the event of a sale) for which i would have to pay extra.
I have not ventured abroad since we last bombed Dresden, so no Airport tax is going to engorge your coffers Sunny Jim........and yet....and yet........
Having a bit of pillow talk with a *****Tax Inspector******* no less, i am privvy to information that will strike fear into the heart of every sexually active citizen.
Lets face it, all taxes are presently a tax on FUN AND ENJOYMENT....and now (for once) the powers that be are using their pea brains and going one step beyond.
Yes, THEY ARE GOING TO TAX ORGASMS.
'We have the power and the technology......and we are waiving the 6 year rule....WE CAN GO BACK AND RECOUP AS FAR AS WE WANT'
They have secretly recruited one million vanguards of the vaginal walls and the ajudicators of the jap eye.
They were told it would be a career move to their good (idiots)
They submitted to a centrifugal force so powerful that it reduced them to the size of a pin head.
This secret army creeps a little like a bed bug, through the nooks and crannies of all properties...and crawls inside either the eye of the penis or the vagina of the inhabitants.
There was a bit of in fighting over who was going to get which job with what body part...so in the end they drew straws.
Then, with all the minitaure sensors in place, they record the the spasm of the orgasm.
Of course they will slip this new legislation out on a slow news day and hide it along with the headline 'PUSSY WITH HEAD FOR HEIGHTS RESCUED BY 50 FIREMEN'
They have already one month's data and will be retrospectively billing all the usual suspects very soon.
It is an extortionate £10 a throw.
Now, dear reader...if you are in any way like me, you bung a quick one out in the morning (so that the day is not a complete waste of time), with a slow remedial one at the end of the day (for the prurposes of a good night sleep)...and the peripheral what ever you can get lucky with during the day.
At my reckoning i owe HMRC a million quid (maybe two).
I naturally have no way of paying the damage and naturally i will have to go for voluntary insolvency....or THEY CAN TAKE IT OUT IN KIND.
Best have a quick one now...after all, an extra tenner is not going to make any difference.
** Issues disclaimer**** For the dim witted, i made the tax inspector thing up....they would NEVER knowingly visit a prostitute, and are as honest as the day is long........
Posted by Letitcia at 04:42 PM | Comments (0)
February 18, 2007
Ralph Fiennes and his Rough Trade
When the father of the deluded bint (who decided to provide a mid air sexual service for the self absorbed actor) said that her co workers were 'only jealous' and that they were all 'probably as ugly as a hat full of arseholes'....he would do well to take a good look at what he had spawned.
GOD SHE WAS PLAIN!!!!
The Sydney tabloids were quite kind in describing her as 'homely'.....I cannot understand why Australian nespapers got a sudden case of compassion. To use a well worn Oz colloquiallism: 'NICE BOD--ROUGH HEAD'
She was a 'Bow Wow' and mega delusion was her middle name.
Did she really think she was going to meet up with Mr Movie Star for romantic trysts all over the world????
She was a self lubricating bit of rough to while away the time and boost his over inflated ego...and that was all.
Well known men love danger...and sticking the condomless old fella (unless he did a 'Clinton') in a less than attractive, deranged bushpig in space, was a bit of sport to while away the flight.
It was NOT love at first sight, it was a big hairy opening for bright young lad...and being a man (of sorts) he rose to the bait.
She makes a big deal about them having unprotected sex...had she ever heard of the phrase: 'NO SHEATH, NO RELIEF'?
One would have to have a heart of stone not to cry at her idiocy.
What lunacy made her begin to think that he would be remotely interested in her employment woes once he had made his sperm deposit.
What a female twit
Makes me ashamed to be a woman.
I do hope she gets pregnant...........
Posted by Letitcia at 02:21 PM | Comments (0)
February 16, 2007
Multi tasking at Chez Letitcia
If you are a hit man with a mission to kill me...then (just to make your mission easier)you may do so at my regular haunt...THE RED ROASTER..........
It has the best coffee in the universe and the very WORST accoustics.
The peripheral noise seems irritating and agitates me.
I bumped into Conny the German coputer whiz a few days ago...and he also suffers from the same affliction.
'Its called Party Syndrome in my country' he explained.
As a woman, supposedly i am meant to conform to type---as in: do the washing up, dance, feed imaginary dogs and cats, tend to an even more imaginary tiny tot ankle biter -----then stick a broom up my butt so that i might sweep up at the same time.
But i'm buggered if i can hear myself THINK to have a conversation, while there is a dirge of music and the echo of others chatting in my designated coffee house.
Neither can Connie (though he CAN sip coffee and simultaneously leer at the embryonic female coffee lovers).
Yes i can tickle a man's spine with my soft bouncy orbs while fondling his toes or kissing his neck..
I can massage his shoulders whilst stroking his cajones, and if i removed a few ribs and vertebrae i could damn well cuck cock while using my black leather strap-on (not for the faint hearted)
Poor George Bush Snr couldn't walk and chew gum at the same time ...though our Tone can be in office AND lie his ass off, but i digress......
I once had occasion to see a peerless multi tasker up close and personal. Boy was this bloke good!!!!
He was/is an exceptionally well known character in the the media, though i call him V.G (just to get you thinking)
He was invited by various national and international radio stations to give an informed comment about the decision (of guilty) in the Geoffrey Archer perjory case.
Since he was lunching 'a deux' with myself and a mate, he arranged for the phone in to be conducted at my home on my phone.
He had always had the hots for my friend and i could see from the twinkle in his eye and the extra bottles of champagne, that he was going in for the kill.
I happened to have been given a dodgy 'Animal Farm' tape (again --not for the faint hearted) and my two guests decreed that we must watch it.
I busied myself with keeping the bubbles flowing and generally tinkering around in the kitchen....while trying not to vomit.
It was woeful and beyond gross......... there was a veritable menagerie of live stock being stroked and sucked and cajoled to do unspeakable things to swedish /danish farm hands.
V.G was making time with his prey on my sofa...and then the phone rang.
I put the tape on mute but kept the gory images switched on
Without missing a beat he gave a stellar performance and a snappy oration ('if you live by the sword you die likewise, and when you sup with the devil.......etc....') while stroking his burgeoning dick and nuzzling his intended victim...all this, while watching a blonde beauty with a black hairy pudenda pissing on an Alstation's tonsils (true)
I have never seen such calm amid such chaos.
Mr V.G the multi tasking Yoda........ i salute you!!!!!
Posted by Letitcia at 01:25 AM | Comments (0)
February 12, 2007
The Duke of Westminster and his 'hired help'
Oh yeah, big deal, man pays for sex.
Rich man pays for expensive sex even
SINCE WHEN WAS THAT BLOOMIN' NEWS????
Where on earth is the story in THAT????
The News of the Screws have really got to be scraping the barrel with the expectation that the readers will throw up their hands in despair and cry: 'well i never'
Would the nation 'get with the programme' and come to grips with the premise that:
If you are hungry...you visit a restaurant
If you are thirsty...you toss a few flagons of ale down your tonsils in a drinking establishment
If you need to pray...visit a church
If you need a Doctor...visit a Medical surgery......
Now there is a certain pattern emerging here.
So i will repeat the question, where in a mouse's minge is the intrigue and newsworthyness of: a man paying for sex?????
There IS no scandal in that and there IS no shame.
Prostitution is a perfectly reputable profession where a man (or woman) can sate the sexual senses on demand.
It is symbiotic and the ultimate 'quid pro quo'
It is perfectly legal to buy and/or sell (though conditions do apply as they say)
So would someone kindly enlighten me as to why this story might be in the public interest????
One thing is for sure.....after learning the amount given to his hired helpers, i have resolved to put my prices up forthwith.
I am obviously selling myself short.....
Posted by Letitcia at 04:56 PM | Comments (1)