February 18, 2007
Ralph Fiennes and his Rough Trade
When the father of the deluded bint (who decided to provide a mid air sexual service for the self absorbed actor) said that her co workers were 'only jealous' and that they were all 'probably as ugly as a hat full of arseholes'....he would do well to take a good look at what he had spawned.
GOD SHE WAS PLAIN!!!!
The Sydney tabloids were quite kind in describing her as 'homely'.....I cannot understand why Australian nespapers got a sudden case of compassion. To use a well worn Oz colloquiallism: 'NICE BOD--ROUGH HEAD'
She was a 'Bow Wow' and mega delusion was her middle name.
Did she really think she was going to meet up with Mr Movie Star for romantic trysts all over the world????
She was a self lubricating bit of rough to while away the time and boost his over inflated ego...and that was all.
Well known men love danger...and sticking the condomless old fella (unless he did a 'Clinton') in a less than attractive, deranged bushpig in space, was a bit of sport to while away the flight.
It was NOT love at first sight, it was a big hairy opening for bright young lad...and being a man (of sorts) he rose to the bait.
She makes a big deal about them having unprotected sex...had she ever heard of the phrase: 'NO SHEATH, NO RELIEF'?
One would have to have a heart of stone not to cry at her idiocy.
What lunacy made her begin to think that he would be remotely interested in her employment woes once he had made his sperm deposit.
What a female twit
Makes me ashamed to be a woman.
I do hope she gets pregnant...........
Posted by Letitcia at 02:21 PM | Comments (0)
January 18, 2007
Putting the ignorant pig Jade in the Shade
The Big Brother debate is NOT about racism.............
It is about stupidity and ignorance.
Great Britain is to blame....because they reward both of these qualities.
Take Jack......he is in the house because he has the misfortune to be porking 'the Minger'.....and he thinks that he now has the right to pronounce the rights and wrongs of BB house or to say:' 'I 'ate 'ere i do the ****'
Meanwhile the charming Ex Ms G.B who is in the house for the distinction of being shagged by Teddy 'i will not fuck anyone under 25 yrs old' Sheringham,calls our fragrant Indian Guest: 'a dog'
The Bird who was known for being in a band, meanwhile sniggers......and throws insults of her own.
Well Great Britain...i hope you are proud...this is the society you have created......
i have said it before...and i will say it again....i cannot wait to leave......
Posted by Letitcia at 08:25 PM | Comments (2)
November 22, 2006
007 Heaven
Along (i imagine) with the rest of the country, my interest was piqued by the 'performance' of the New James Bond.
He is bloomin' HOT...........
I remember seeing Whoopi Goldberg in concert in Sydney.
In part of her act she fantasised about her two favourite men....namely ROBERT De NIRO AND SEAN CONNERY.
' I Would drink their bath water' she swooned 'i would have one behind me and one in front...and when i got bored i would just switch round'
Well, with Daniel Craig...i would drink something much more intimate.
WOW What a man!!!!
You can just feel his cruel mouth crushing youryour teeth back down your throat....you would be powerless to resist. One wouldn't be able to get away, since he is just too STRONG.
OOh Er Missus.
I watched the ladies in the Audience...and they were literally on the edge of their soggy seats.
This Bond will run and run....FINALLY....A REAL MAN!!!!!
Posted by Letitcia at 01:52 PM | Comments (0)
March 10, 2006
Toy Boys
I asked a patron once: 'WHAT IS IT WITH THESE BARELY ABOVE THE AGE OF CONSENT DUDES COMING TO VISIT ALL OF A SUDDEN???'
'Oh that's dead easy....it's the movie AMERICAN PIE 1 and 2.......'
'You mean they think i'm an apple pie and their spunk is the custard????'
He rolled his eyes in a 'don't you know nuffink' (he was barely 18 himself) and said 'Duh, Nooooooooo...it's that 'yummy mummy thing innit, you're called MILFS'
As i struggled with the acronym he volunteered: MOTHERS I'D LIKE TO FUCK SENSELESS.....
'Y'see, we're not innerested in birds our own age innit...we wanna do it wiv you mature ladies'
That is another of 'god's little tricks'...make a lad incapable of stringing a sentence together, but give him the ability to make a lady howl like a demented banshee with his tongue and sweet touch.
Evolution is amazing
What a wonderful equation.
When i was young, i yearned for the days when i would no longer be pestered wherever i went (it truly was irritating). I figured that i would reach a certain age (in one's youth 35 seems ancient)and then i could just go about my business incognito.
If anything, the problem has become worse.
Oh sure there is a section of manhood for whom i no longer hold an allure...but they are the very ones that i would never have wanted anyway.
I would never have wanted to be an accessory, or to be traded in for a younger or better looking model as i aged.
I read once that Britt Ekland said: 25 goes into 50 much better than the reverse....and oh i could NOT agree more.
Posted by Letitcia at 07:31 PM | Comments (1)
January 28, 2006
Welcome to the jungle
A very enterprising Chinaman charged the local Muslims 9 Ringgit to take a NON MUSLIM partner of their choice to a hidden 'shack', deep in the Malay Jungle........
I was hacking my way through the steamy verdant Kampungs with more regularity than Mr Indiana Jones himself, as the local yokels (with velvety chocolate skin coloured bodies)availed themself to this gracious service provided my Mr Chang.
I was the beneficiary of this set up on quite a few occasions.
Penang, or more precisely Batu Ferringhi was a study in sexual hypocrisy.
'We don't have any gay people in Malaysia' (yeah right)
'We muslims only sleep with our Muslim wives' (oh don't make me larf).....the list was endless.
If they ever bought in a Tax for STOOOOOOOPID people,it would fuel the Malay government's coffers by BILLIONS a year.
They supposedly still had such a thing as the 'Sex police' (as in Iran) where any transgressions are frowned upon and rewarded with the beating of your life.
All i can say is, the enforcers must have been perpetually SLEEPING ON THE JOB.
The diversity of race, religion, colour and creed was quite stupifying, but it was the bone crunching, barefaced cheek of those purporting to be followers of Islam, that grossed me out.
They wanted the chance to bag a 'metsalleh' (white woman) but secretly thought we were all disease ridden crutches of filth.
YET THEY DID NOT WELCOME THE RULE OF THE CONDOMN.
Go figure.
But, for all that..it was all rather 'Bridge over the river Kwai' meets 'Emmanuelle' when i assented to a rendevous at Mr Chang's Lurve Shack.
In fact, i think i spent more time there than my own Guest house. The sex was crap...but the mosquito nets draped over the bed.....and the sound of the crickets.......together with the stars...YES STARS.....the 9 ringget didn't run to a whole ROOF!!!
The washing facility was a tub of freezing cold water ....the days of the true bounty hunter.
There were other locations in which to fornicate...in the daytime,the giant waterfall deep in the jungle had tailormade hidden rockpools.....sure there were 1000 eyes watching when you 'spooned'with the native your choice..but Mr Chang's did not open until 9pm.
I did mention another place in BODY WORSHIP....Monkey island....but the cost of the Jetski to and fro was financially prohibitive to the youngsters....... and i for sure was reticent with regard to paying for (collectively) possibly the worst attempts at love making i have ever experienced in my life.
Visit Malaysia, the ad goes.
My response to that is: WHAT THE FUCK FOR?????
P.s Gong Si Fat Choi (Happy Chinese New Year)
Posted by Letitcia at 06:27 PM | Comments (0)
September 11, 2005
Leather and a nice lick
I was surrounded by thousands of men in hot leather.
What a wonderful way to spend an afternoon--------
Once a year, Ace Cafe have a reunion in Brighton where oodles of bike heads> from the shires, local and INTERNATIONAL enthusiasts and scrag end from elsewhere, convene on Madiera Drive to do a bit of Biker Bonding.
Since it is only a hop skip and jump from my abode--it is customary for me to wade through them all---SEVERAL TIMES---to get caught up in the high octane atmosphere.
It's the highly polished chrome factor, fantasy helmets (of the crash kind)and the outfits which make it so goddam sexy.
On this occasion several years ago (i have a perusal every year)--i had to break short my pilgimage----to watch some petrol head action the the Telly......the Formula One Grand Prix was on-----and it had reached an exciting phase where the World championship was concerned.
I had nearly reached home when i heard the beep of a horn and a jingle of a tune.
It was an ICE CREAM VAN. At the wheel was a guy (fom Essex if memory serves me),who had come to sell his wares at the event---- and found there was no 'room at the inn'
However, having seen me---he decided to make his trip worthwile.
I have been pulled by many guys in my time--but I never been seduced by a 'MR WHIPPY'
I flirted with him and asked him who was leading the F.1 race (he was listening on the radio).
He handed me a '69' (ice cream with 2 cadbury flakes shoved in it) and said we should watch the remainder at my flat--a mere few yards away.
He was O.k in a ROUGH TRADE kind of way----and i said 'yes'.
He parked his Van with indecent haste, grabbed another couple of 'lolly gobble choc bombs' (blocked my neighbour's entrance.....oooohhhher!!!)and followed me up the stairs.
This is where many guys make the most basic of mistakes.
He made himself comfy---almost TOO much so. There is this phenomenon which occurs when a man who is lucky enough to pull--starts acting like a jerk.
He LITERALLY took his sandals off and PUT HIS FEET UP ON MY COUCH!!!!
They were none too clean. In fact they were disgusting.
He kept talking through the Formula One (even though i told him i wanted to watch it)---and STARTED TO TALK ABOUT HIS WIFE.
He compounded his mistakes by saying 'you're almost perfect----i bet you was ten-- fifteen years ago'
Then he displayed his rampant bigotry and pronounced that 'GAYS SHOULD BE SHOT'and that 'PAKI'S SHOULD GO BACK TO WHERE THEY CAME FROM'
He found himself summarily ejected within the time it takes to suck a popsickle.>
I think he got a parking ticket too.
Posted by Letitcia at 07:59 PM
June 23, 2005
Breakfast at Tiffany's
A week ago, Brighton witnessed the strange spectacle of a woman (of a certain age) wearing Hollywood Glamour together with pearl encrusted 'Lana turneresque'sunglasses----sitting (squashed/crammed) between two distinctly grubby and paint splattered gents--in an even grubbier white van.
From the back of said van was the muffled sound from two others singing 'we're all goin' on a summer holiday.....'
Was she being abducted---about to be raped--or worse---made to listen to Country and Western music????..........
It is a prerequisite for all those living in Grade 1/11 listed buildings on the seafront, to have a 'freshen up' paint wise, at LEAST every 5 years or so. And what misery it is. Now i know what a budgerigar feels like when it has a pair of Y fronts shrouding it's cage.
When you pay the National debt of Senegal, to wake up to uninterrupted panoramic views of the sea, you want to enjoy the benefits to the maximum extent.
As soon as you hear the first scaffolding pole being erected--you know that only frustration and heartache can follow.
It's written in the scaffolder's handbook:THOU SHALT ERECT 6 MONTHS BEFORE ONE BRUSH STROKE HAS COMMENCED AND DISMANTLE YET ANOTHER SIX MONTHS AFTER PAINT JOB HAS FINISHED.
Bearing this in mind, i decided to go on a charm offensive with the men who were actively employing them.
One generally catches more flies with honey than huffiness, and i employed the former in humungeous dollops.
It wasn't hard, they were great guys---charming, erudite and articulate ('did you say they were sodding DECORATORS' i hear you cry!!)
The upshot was i was invited to join them for a 'gutbuster breakfast' at a joint they knew on the outskirts of Brighton.
'Don't dress up' they said with a grin.
Ha!!! 'fat chance' i thought.
-----I had my reputation to consider, and reasoned i might meet the soul mate of my dreams, squeezing brown sauce and ketchep at the next table.
'Make sure the front seat's clean', i shouted over my shoulder as i bade farewell the night before.
The next morning, they tapped lightly on my window and cried: 'is Madam ready?'
Shouting to them in the affirmative, i met them at the front door--only to be confronted by a Cam -Corder. This trip was deemed worthy of recording for posterity.
'Shoot me from above and don't get my jowls' i laughed.
Steve (2nd in command) was given the honour of strapping me in to my safety belt--with much hilarious guffaws from the others.
One mile from our destination we had to go over what i laughingly call 'zen policemen' or 'speed bumps'---and there were quite a few.
This seemed to please Steve, since every bump that we approached, meant that he looked side ways and down---at my breasts wobbling from the shudders of the suspension.
I took it in the spirit of; WHAT JOLLY JAPES OLD CHAPS and thought nothing more of it-----until afew days later, when i recounted the story to a friend who knew the 'GUT BUSTER EMPORIUM' and also the roads that led TO it.
'Took you THAT WAY round did they' he said knowingly.
The naughty little drongos!! Ten out of ten for initative. And after all, i can't be angry with them, i've nicked their milk for a cuppa (When mine's gone off), gained a new broom (when they broke MINE and were too afraid to own up) AND bought my BOOK: Body Worship.
That's what i call: 'TIT FOR TAT'
Posted by Letitcia at 07:19 AM