August 25, 2007
Touched for the very first time
It seems the Dutch are taking a leaf out of my book(s)......
An agency has set up a 'deflowering service' and it has indeed proved very popular.
God, I wish someone had taken ME in hand to prise my virginity from my innocent Catholic body.
Instead, I had to make do with a freezing cold back seat of some rust bucket, which passed as a car.
From foreplay to orgasm (HIS, that is) took a mere 7 and a half minutes.
I DID get a brand new watch as a reward when I saw him the next week... we actually managed 10 minutes of 'passion'
It is such a sweet thing to do (deflowering a Virgin that is) and I have always felt envious that there was not a male equivalent to the service which LETITCIA provides for those wanting the ultimate start in life.
Too late now of course........
Posted by Letitcia at 06:50 PM | Comments (0)
February 25, 2007
At least Tiscali goes down on me
No court in the land would convict me of FUCKING JUSTIFIABLE HOMOCIDAL INTENTIONS TO CALL CENTRE EMPLOYEES..........in India
Now i do not wish to start a racism incident, but it makes my blood practically seep from my tear ducts, when i am attempting to a) explain my internet problem and b) understand the answer they are giving me......when the technical support is somewhere in Karachi, Delhi, Bombay or Lahore......
Bless 'em...they do their best...but this is not a Peter Sellers/Sophia Loren movie....and my heart does indeed go: 'Boompity Boompity Boompity Boom Boom Boom' THOUGH not in excitement but STRESS.
It is not their fault, but,when one is in a state of high anxiety over the inability to send or receive emails.....or indeed to do any online work...it is important that i can discern the words that are spoken.
I must have spent £100 in phone calls to the irritating 0845 or 0870 numbers that are the only lifeline offered by the broadband provider.
What REALLY tips me over the edge of sanity/reason...is the lady (with an obvious cleft palate) telling me that..'lines are very busy...so please log on to www.waste your bleenin' time.com.
Gggggrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!
I would LOVE to log on, cop on, get it on.........but my internet connection will not allow me you silly cow!!!!!!!!!
I am mightily tired of being told on the first phone call: 'You need another micro filter'
The second call (micro filter having been purchased, but with no avail to solving the problem): 'There is a syncronicity problem'
The third call, which was in response to the modem working for a mere 36 hrs before reverting to obsolete: 'We think the problem is with your router'
This takes me into what is traditionally a lazy hazy day off.
This time, i continue with the nightmare of fixing a problem via phone to Rajastan and beyond......
Bless them, they are only paid a few rupees...but would it harm them to understand my displeasure and my agitation???
The final phone call ended with the 'Please have a nice day' bit of empty rhetoric from their: 'play it by the book, play it by rote' training.
Bugger computers, bugger broadband and bugger all companies who have call centres in the (verbally)least understandable location.
Bugger the lot of them...it's pigeon post from now on in.
If a would be patron requires my attention...they will just have to chuffing well ring............
Posted by Letitcia at 10:45 PM | Comments (0)
October 28, 2006
Kimi Raikkenen, you twit....
I loved Mika Hakkinen and his monosyllabic croak.....his fellow Fin, Kimi Raikkenen was even funnier.....but today of all days was beyond the pale......
This was our last chance to celebrate (like him or loathe him) the 'Rain Meister': Schummie of myriad F.1world titles fame.
The sublime Martin Brundle sidles up to Kimi for a soundbite, and to ask him why on earth he was not watching and honouring Micheal,while a presentation ceremony was in progress ----prior to the start of the last race of the season.
This is his reply: 'I WAS HAVING A SHIT'.
What an ungallent young man and bagsy to be the first person to hold him down and rinse his foul mouth out with carbolic soap.
He needs to learn some manners from both his elders and his betters..........
Posted by Letitcia at 07:09 PM | Comments (1)
August 31, 2006
Bogged down
You can tell alot about an establishment by the state of the toilet.........
So i was amused to see a headline the other day which proclaimed: ALL CISTERNS GO (duh).
There is an establishment in London which has unveilled a PAPERLESS LOO.
There are numerous handles and buttons to press which ensures whatever the nature of evacuation, you are going to walk away not only relieved but considerably refreshed and buffed to within an inch of your pubes.......
This whole premise is not news to me......but i fear it will never catch on.
Coming from a fairly poor background the OUTSIDE facility (yup) had torn up sheets of the Daily Mail to defend one's anal honour...and to this day people still give my arse close inspection to catch the headlines (hah).
It was SCRUPULOUSLY clean, scrubbed a zillion times a day my Mother and emptied several times a week by Da, UNDER THE APPLE TREE by rote in clockwise circles for maximum fertilisation.
There was honeysuckle growing over the roof....it was always sweet smelling and the wooden seat was always warm.
Sure it was inconvenient in the deep midwinter and a tad scary in the dark.....especially if a sparrow or two had nested under the rim, a mite frightening that!!!!
When we eventually had the same toilet as the rest of the country ------i disliked it.
My first encounter with a BIDET was in Ibiza whilst on an 18-30 holiday....i couldn't make head nor tail of it....and like Crocodile Dundee, it seemed more suitable for washing beach sand from the feet.
A few years later i was working for the civil service.....and the loo paper of choice was IZAL.......talk about cost cutting.
This was not 'absorb and clean' material....it was 'wipe and spread'!!!! It even bore the name of my Employer on each individual sheet.....and probably the entire country would agree that it was the perfect place for it.........
Then in Australia, while doing a short bout of light prostitution in my travels....these bidets popped up again.
I finally got the hang of vaginal douching....but what i DIDN'T get the hang of, was to return the lever back to the original position.
This meant that my co workers would catch a jet of water in their face as soon as they turned the taps....it made me mighty unpopular and i was labelled an' ignorant drongo of Pommieland'
Some of the Hotels in Japan had such sophisticated ablution facilities that i didn't even try to figure out the myriad levers and button.....and even though i had a smattering of Nihon-Jin......my Hirygana and Kategana was a might rusty.
Japan may not have won the war....but they damn well knew no filthy Gaijin Tourist would be able to understand the Hiyrogliphics....so they settled the Hiroshima score eventually.
I used to live with a guy who would ONLY shit and piss in OUR toilet.....WE OFTEN MADE 20 MILE ROUND TRIPS FROM THE SUBURBS OF SYDNEY.......and i must say that this phobia/idiosyncracy has made its mark on me to this day.
I have designated pit stops in Brighton. Nothing but the best for me. I blithly ignore the 'for Diabled only' signs....i need space and an airy cubicle.....not an enclosed box where i can smell the evacuation of the last 20 people
I don't use the main shopping centre toilets....people from sink estates don't seem to know how to take a dump without it somehow ending up in pebbledash fashion on the walls.....and they never consider giving it a 'mercy flush' before the next poor pleb has to use it.
So, its 5 star deluxe hotels for me....with proper washing facilities hand cream, bottles of still or sparkling water and super duper absorbant hand towels.
Most of the public Toilets in Brighton have been turned into cafes or flower shops....the rest have been closed due to the nefarious activities of the (seemingly) 90% Gay Cruising community and rest are off limits due to the skag head element needing a cubicle to take a fix..........
I would rather soil myself than suffer a train toilet...though interestingly there has been publicity about a 'loo charter' whereby passengers MUST be able to use one....as it seems on some lines, they are perpetually out of order and that is infringing the rights of train travellers.
For that reason Rail travel is a trial for me.
I suprised Mother for her Birthday a while back....the 4 hour journey rendered me in dire need by the time i reached my destination......i stealthily made my wary way into my Dunny Doom......guess what?????
I HAVE NEVER SEEN SUCH CLEAN PORCELAIN/FLOOR/BASINS IN MY LIFE
.
Probably because the Queen has been known to travel that way on the Royal train.......
Speaking of the Queen, she came to inspect the Airbase where my Brother in law was working....they repainted everything.....even painted the grass (according to him).....and erected a special Royal Outhouse.
When she had left.....THEY FOUND A FLOATER!!!!!!
IT WAS EXTRACTED, VARNISHED AND HAS PRIDE OF PLACE IN THE OFFICERS' MESS
HOW APT.
Posted by Letitcia at 01:39 PM | Comments (0)
August 25, 2006
Profiling(part four)
A gentleman wished for an appointment today........
'Where is the accent from?' i asked
'Iran' he replied
(Gulp) Bear in mind that i have been speaking my mind rather freely in the last few posts.......
A time was agreed, he was travelling from London--and i needed to complete a radio interview all the way from Dublin Eire before he arrived.
'Just give me a call when you hit Brighton' i advised.
Half an hour later he left message stating he had second thoughts.
WHAT THE FUCK??
'I HAVE DECIDED NOT COME TO SEE YOU, I DO NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE AND I DO NOT TRUST YOU' was the message.
You have got to be joking....this, coming from nappy head central????
I rang Mr Camel Carouser.
'What is the problem?'
'I don't trust you, i don't have your address ---nobody will know where i am' he bleated
'I never give people my address until 20 min before the appointment' i argued 'the reason being, sometimes people 'jump the gun and arrive 30 min early or 3 hours late-----i need to be precise in the arrival time'
He was not convinced and i cancelled the appointment.
I thought about it afterwards and was bloody INCENSED........
I mean, lick my left one buddy!!!!
Really it should have been ME with the anxiety....being as we are, a nation on the lookout for mid-east frivolity of the nasty kind.
What the heck was i supposed to DO that was so awful with him????
Garrot, decsicate and hang his sorry ass for several weeks to make his dick halal??
Make him a sex slave? IN HIS WILDEST DREAMS!!!!
Hold him prisoner until the those held in the fight against the white christian infidel is crushed?
Quelle Drongo' as the Australasian/French neighbours of mine used to say.......
I Give up
The judge's decision is final and i am my own boss.
Dem's da rules....and if you don't like it you can pull your pud and save a king's ransom.
You pays your money and takes your choice...but please, NEVER INFER that you do not trust me!!
I have never lost a patron yet, they have all walked/crawled out of my abode considerably more enriched than their sorry ass arrival
I may have to institute a complete embargo on Middle Eastern Stupidity.......
That is the beauty about being your own boss.......
***Saunters away, pours more of the devil's alcohol----- and listens to the badness of rock music******
Posted by Letitcia at 08:15 PM | Comments (0)
August 24, 2006
Muslims (part 3)
Gee i hate being right all the time....
What did i say?-------I opined that the two tatty looking gents refused their flight due to terrorist fears would soon be telling THEIR side of the story......
Looks like they had a bit of a 'tub up' and they used their innocent doe like eyes to the max.
They kind of lost me when i heard the words 'Human Rights'............if that is not a Pavlov's Dog reaction i don't know what is.
I have been a 'victim' of profiling myself----and it was worth every hour (yes really) of my interrogation.
It was always thought that the Airline EL AL was one of the safest in the world, because of the mega stringent security.
Yes, ISRAEL was my destination and i was travelling with a mate (air hostess).
Because she did short haul trips to Egypt she was anxious NOT to have her passport stamped.
We had a wonderful holiday (lots of male attention) and checked in to Ovda Airport for the return journey.
They seperated us and started their well honed question routine. What was REALLY weird was the fact they LIED to my mate and told her i had made a side trip to Tel Aviv (i didn't) Jerusalem (i didn't) and Petra (i didn't).
What was all THAT about????
She's pretty cool and registered great surprise that i would have done anything more energetic that loll around in the pool or get laid by one of the handsome UN army officers that were on R and R in town (Yum)
Did we kick up a fuss???
Nah, we had enjoyed a break surrounded by some of the most stunning looking men on the planet and we understood that THEY could not understand why two likely lasses would come to a war zone of their own volition.
I think the Immigration officer finally understood when i sighed:' WHAT CAN I TELL YA...I JUST LOVE ISRAELI COCK'
Not one mention of human rights passed my lips
.
Posted by Letitcia at 07:52 AM | Comments (0)
August 20, 2006
Muslims (profiling part two)
I read with glee the account of passengers making a stand and refusing to fly with two 'suspicious looking characters' ....and i personally thought: 'HURRAH!!!!.....at last....English people growing a big set of balls........
How many headstones in English Graveyards should read: 'I DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE A FUSS'?
The bain of a Brit's psyche i think..........
But these Air travellers made a stand.........i was never prouder.
Then i read on............
They stated that: 'they were scruffy'.
Well that's Bible calling the Koran black methinks.......most English people (certainly in the city of BRIGHTON) look like they pilfered sacks of discarded clothes donated to Charity shops.
'They wore multi layers of clothes'........a word in your shell like you proles------ THEY ALWAYS DO!!!!
'They spoke a language which sounded Arabic'.......most British people would not know their Urdu/Hindi/Arabic/Rasta slang from their elbow. They are inherently lazy and their only concession to a foreign language is to shout louder when attempting to communicate.
Then i noted the posed portrait picture for the Sunday spreadsheet.
A Mrs Johnathon Ross wannabe........a prepubescent twinkie dressed like the young murdered U.S Pageant Beautyqueen (Benoit)....with the only saving grace being the stern, protective arm of daddy looking like he chooses Ariel Automatic for his whites.
And they have the gall to judge people by the way they LOOK????
So to use that governmental phrase: LESSONS CAN BE LEARNED.
Oi !!!!!!!!.......You slovenly shower of Islamic Males....smarten up for gawd sake....you never know, you might actually get LAID!!!!!
To their eternal credit, the two gentleman concerned uncomplainingly went with the security authorities and submitted to extra checks. If, however, i see that they sell a story headlined: 'MY AIRPORT HELL' amid claims of litigation...all bets are off, and they deserved everything they got.
Predictably,there are bleatings from our government/police/security: 'we cannot have the public taking things into their own hands'.
OF COURSE YOU CAN. A little less mollycoddled with bullshit E.U directive P.C rules......and a little more Bulldog spirit people Power, that's what i say.
****Letitcia dons a 'Woolfie' type beret, raises fist and screams POWER TO THE PEOPLE******
Posted by Letitcia at 06:06 PM | Comments (1)
August 16, 2006
Muslim Community Leaders get on my tits
The Airport debacle has annoyed the bejeezus out of me....i could cut those queues at one fell stroke......
I could not understand the blindingly obvious solution to the mayhem not being applied immediately
It is only in the last few days that journo's have broken cover and talked about 'profiling'.
As predictable as rain on a Bank Holiday, the Head Honcho Mad Mullahs are screaming 'civil rights' 'discrimination'...blah blah ad maxima nauseum.
Well bollocks to it all.
99.99% of those currently wishing harm on Britian/America/anycountry that does not want the will of Islam imposed are Weirdy Beardy Nappyheads......so why subject little ol' ladies, children,lads on a sex tour holiday, businessmen, and your common or garden WHITE NON MUSLIM to this shite??????
WHAT, BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT IS FRIGHTENED TO 'GIVE OFFENCE'????
Get outta town!!!!
If i hear the phrase: 'of course we know the majority of Muslims are peaceful law abiding......' i am going to hurl.
Do Muslims REALLY need this assurance? Are they THICK???
What ever happened to common sense??? It should be renamed: 'very frigging rare indeed sense'
When Britain was at war with Irish Terrorists....anyone with the slightest Oirish burr was immediately a suspect, and their arse was in the hands of the police until proved otherwise. PROFILING
Ditto 'stop and search' for gentlemen of coloured persuasion....the reason being that 90 odd percent of crime WAS commited by black men of a certain age. PROFILING
If it's good enough for the Paddys and Blacks, it can damn well be good enough for Muslims.
All of this softly softly, pussyfooting, skipping over eggshells and bombshells is simply not good enough.
The Community leaders should allay the fears of their Islamic flock.....but do they???
DO THEY HELL!!
They are FANNING the general feeling of unrest BY BLOODY DEMANDING SHARIA LAW BE APPLIED BY MUSLIMS IN THIS COUNTRY.
I also read that 30% of muslims want Britian to be an Islamic state.
Huh!!! In your dreams baby.
These workshy (they are ALWAYS on benefits) deeply unattractive(hit every branch of the UGLY tree when they fell) terrible lovers (i've tried..YUK) are only good for one thing: HATE, MAYHEM AND DESTRUCTION.....and the British Government are doing everything to smooth the way for their misguided desires.
I agree totaly with one columnist who wrote that: 'IT MAKES THE UNIMPORTANT MUSLIM ERRONEOUSLY ASSUME IMPORTANCE'
How i agree.
I THINK I MAY JUST GO AND HAVE A WANK BEFORE I AM CLITORECTOMISED BY THE DICKHEADS IN OUR MIDST.
Posted by Letitcia at 02:01 PM | Comments (0)
May 19, 2006
Drunkards, Dullards---- and Dole Bludgers
I have had a rather torrid 10 days.......
The scum of this earth (as documented in my last two posts)....see me as some kind of presence which need to be lambasted.
I don't know WHAT it is about me.
But these twats think it is their drug addled, alcohol fuelled, piss stained and dog breath RIGHT to harrass me.
***Letitcia sits in the sunshine (yeah, actually found some in the UK)...and contemplates a 20 minute break from the cares and woes of the universe with a steaming cup of decaffinated latte coffee*****
All was going swimmingly, until a moron from out of the sewer descended with a toothless glower.........
'OI...YER DON' 'AVE A RIGH' TA DRESS LIKE FERKIN BOY GEORGE'
This THING was standing over me...clutching a can with 1664 on it (dunno the brand).
Oh for fuck sake, can't a lady who is trying to find temorary solice in a hot steaming drink...get a bit of peace????
I felt intimidated and stood up..left my coffee....and my mini oasis of calm in the desert.
***ALL POINTS BULITTIN.....IF YOU ARE A MILIONARE WITH A FONDNESS FOR ORAL..AND HAVE A SECRET ISLAND, PLEASE CONTACT LETITCIA ON 07774 697776.....I WANT TO STOP THE WORLD AND GET OFF******
Posted by Letitcia at 07:17 PM | Comments (0)
May 12, 2006
Baby breeders, alcoholics and psychopaths........
I am as mad as hell i am not going to take this any more.........
Every one has problems and everyone is battling against a tide of incompetence and inertia.
Therefore, when i visit my local off licence....we have a jolly good ,laugh-- moan---- weep---- depending on the subject of the day.
There is the beautiful Anya, who gets aggro on a daily basis from the Drongo Drunkards of the world
The lovely Lindsay, who is told (by the authorities no less) that SHE is the problem, as a licencee.......rather than the wino shoplifters who daily enter----- and act in a thoroughly threatening and nasty way.
I battle my own demons...but sometimes it all gets too much.
Yesterday was such a day.
I have already told of being 'dissed' on the bus by the venomous 'Vicki Pollards' of this huge sink estate called LIFE.
Yesterday i went to collect a Recorded Delivery Package (i wonder if orgasms can be like that...that way you can guarantee they arrive)...standing dutifully and uncomplainingly in the ubiquitous queue i heard a fractious: 'MIND WHERE YER FUCKIN' GOING'
'Letitcia', i thought...'is there ANYWHERE that is abuse and aggravation free in this freaking world'
I looked round and saw the embodiment of pure venom, evil, nastiness and bullishness.
He was a cross between The Yorkshire Ripper, a renegade bare knuckle fighter and a gypsy.....(with apologies to all the above)
He picked on a sweet young lady with ''ho the **** da ya fink you are ya ****in' bitch'
The queue froze..who was going to defend this lovely innocent woman?.....Nobody...that's who.
I exempt myself due to being next in line for my 'package'...and due to the fact that if i had one more altercation......i would be a fully paid up member of justifiable homicide.....since i was (on that day) sailing pretty close to the edge.....
I did whisper to her as i passed on my exit..'i am SO sorry you have had to put up with that'......
So, next stop was to my drink providers.
Again, i am in a queue....when i am served, as usual we banter..while the wrapping, paying, correct change and felicitations are exchanged.
I didn't figure on hearing THIS..........
'AW MY GAWD THIS IS DOIN' MY ****IN' 'EAD ..WHY DON' LADY ****IN MUCK **** OFF ...I CAWNT ****STAND THIS...I BIN STANDIN' IN LINE ALL ****IN' DAY......CAN'T SHE STOP ****IN' BUNNYIN' AND ****IN PISS OFF.....or words to that effect.
How the double sized Mars and Snickers bars (displayed at the counter) did not find themselves in the dingey amphitheatres of the toxic twins' CUNTS...is a testament to my upbringing.
I returned to the scene of the crime today and i did a take on a Monty Python sketch:------'Oy you lot..is this the right place for a 5 minute or a TEN minute argument?'
Much laughter...... i continued.......'mind you i have a yen for abuse...where do i go for abuse???....next door??????...righty ho....'
And Letitcia lives to fight another day with her 'Chuckle muscle' intact..........
Posted by Letitcia at 07:54 PM | Comments (1)
May 04, 2006
Summer in the City (back of my crack's getting dirty and gritty)
I travelled with the plebs on a bus today. It was not an enjoyable experience.......
The 'baby breeders' with their 'croydon facelift' and buggies the size of a Trans Am were also on the same route....being, as it is, one of the buses that wends its way to a council estate for single mums.
I don't know how these women ever get impregnated, thier manners are appalling, they are extremely plain, and practically everything but thier giblets hang out of their low slung Trousers/tops/skirts.......
In fact the estate should be renamed 'triplebaggerville'
There is an unspoken etiquette for bus riding, but all of the ride rules seemed not only to have passed...... but whooshed past me at warp factor 11.
PLEASE PAY EXACT FARE ON ENTRY it says (and funnily so do i)......but Letitcia's mind was somewhere else, and i strode past the nonplussed driver.
'Gotta ticket luv?' he shouted ---as i tried to pick the least dirty seat.
How embarrasing!!!!
Seeing as i could not sit in the seats designated for the elderly and ailing (though that was how i was actually feeling)....i sat in the seats pointing into the aisle.
My mind was still in the clouds when after the next stop i heard a spotty trollop complain:'You'd fink they'd bleedin' shift up'
I had transgressed yet again. The baby breeder had a souped up, piston acton, triple whammy of a sprog carrier, and she made exaggerated, exasperated movements of trying to fit a quart into a pint pot where the perambulator was concerned.
I could not see how shifting up a seat was going to stop her pram causing an obstruction...since it was as wide as it was long.
'Would you like me to move' i enquired helpfully.
Currant bun features gave me the gold medal winning indolent stare of the century.....she managed to mumble in my general direction: 'dunno 'ow ya fink tha' will 'elp'
Ouch!!!! She was pretty harsh on my Savoir Faire.
I don't belong in this universe any more methinks, and i certainly don't belong on the rat run that is the Number 7 bus.
Lucky 7 for some maybe.
I alighted at my stop and almost thought myself lucky to have escaped without a parting bon mot or Churchillian two fingered salute.
We must be grateful for small mercies.
Posted by Letitcia at 06:48 PM | Comments (0)
April 09, 2006
The slapper and pistol packin' pete
'So how many men have you slept with Letitcia?'
'As a generality i am wide awake...but a certain lethargy has crept in occasionally' i answer
HOW MANY TIMES HAS THIS Q&A been played out!!!!...........
It's a pigging cheek to ask this question......
Why? Because the blokes have to practice on something or somebody.....the recipient of their attentions cannot have always been farm animals or blow up dolls.
Years ago every man said he wanted to marry a virgin yet also wanted to 'sow his wild oats'
You do the maths.
So many interviewers (so few machetees around when you need one) ask the same question...like the reading public would be remotely interested or like i HAVE ACTUALLY KEPT A TALLY.
Number crunching is a bloke thang.....like it's something to be proud of....it makes you A REAL STUD...YOU ARE THE MAN, RESPEC' ALL ROUND.
I am surprised that there are not more laydeez 'skinned alive' and hung in the 'TROPHY ROOM'...along with the tigers, antelope and stags.
'They won't respect you in the morning' was the old chestnut our dear mothers' routinely trotted out to us teenagers as we bolted out the door to our Saturday Night Shagfest.
'Nobody wants the village bike' (WELL YOU COULD'VE FOOLED ME!!!!) mum would say, apropos of nothing...as she powered through 4 solid hours of back breaking domestic ironing.
Naturally i didn't listen, and every present a young dude gave to me was viewed with deep suspicion by dear Mamma.
'They didn't give you THAT for nothing, THAT'S for sure' she would mutter as i showed her my latest offering of love and devotion from my latest beau.
BUT I DIGRESS.
Basically, the more women a man has bedded is viewed with admiration verging on prowess worship.
Yet (annoyingly) the converse is true where us gels are concerned.
We are sluts, tarts, slappers and (confusingly) called 'WHORES'
So the men are praised and we are vilified and castigated for following or 'giving in' our urges.
Oh yes: SHOCK HORROR....women have urges too.
Admittedly maybe not sometimes as strong as our male counterpart (nor as phsically apparent).... but it is there nonetheless
I read the other day that the suave and debonair actor David Niven likened his rampant libido to: 'BEING CHAINED TO A MAD PARROT'
Well my 'little man in the boat' (clitoris for those unfamiliar with the soubriquet.....has an outboard motor which whips up the the waves of desire to match any typhoon.
So in answer to the original question as to the number of men who have passed through my welcoming arms i will say this:
MORE THAN ANN WIDDICOMBE AND LESS THAN THE ROLLINGS STONES, BEATLES AND HENDRIX PUT TOGETHER.........
Posted by Letitcia at 03:22 PM | Comments (2)
March 17, 2006
High class sluts
Just because a woman marries Royalty they think their chuffs are so special that if you flung it up in the air it would spin out gold nuggets.......Well bollocks to that......
I opined on an open forum that Princess Diana was nothing more than a high class slut.
I caught some flak for it, though more i fear because of the terminology i used.
That was very lazy and sloppy of me...i meant high class SLAPPER.
Oh yes sure she was aesthetically pleasing (if you like someone who looks like the 3.15 entry at the Haringay Dog racing track)and Charles was up to his royal nuts in Cammie baby (amazing how women are blind to the facially challenged).......but she used her alleged beauty as a tool to grab whatever man took her fancy......it was practically a royal command performance, (though thankfully the chosen men did not have to be introduced by Jimmie Tarbuck and line up to meet and shake hands the mother in law afterwards.)
Perversely she liked to wield her power over attatched or married men.
She was so fucked in the head that it gave her pleasure to just TAKE whatever she wanted from another woman....BECAUSE SHE COULD.
Not once did she pause for thought about the damage or pain she was causing. Because she was chronically unhappy she made sure that others would join her in heartbreak.
She was in emotional pain and made sure that she spread that pain with impunity.
She was a selfish bitch who did not for one minute think how her sons would have to cope with the fallout media wise regarding the role call of her conquests.
To think Mother Teresa's funeral was overshadowed by her's because of the public adulation for a good looking broad is puke making.
She is (or rather WAS) a product of this: 'doesn't matter how rotten you are inside...as long as the carapace is burnished with gold you are IT.'
What's that i hear you cry???....oh yes....the men were as much to blame too????.....oh PURLESE......they would crawl through broken glass and eat a million turd bagettes for a chance to stick it to her.
Like i said: A SLAPPER
Posted by Letitcia at 09:36 PM | Comments (0)
March 08, 2006
Charitable Hookers.
Below is an exchange on a Cyberspace Forum:------
Originally posted by Letitcia:
'And your point IS Marky Mark???
Please substantiate that remark...'
You are a hooker and purported to be charitable, this is an oxymoron.
The fact that my 'job title' has been relegated to one of illegality is obviously intentional.
My reply was:
Originally posted by Letitcia.
I am posting as a PERSON and not a profession.
Whatever it is you do to keep the wolf from the door, i would have imagined that you do not provide a service nor manufacture a product for zero monetary gain.
If i were an ice cream salesperson would you be happier if i gave a way my lollygobblechocbombs for free?
Tell you what, next time i go to Somerfields/Tesco/Waitrose, i will announce at the check out that due to you having a problem with me being paid in my chosen field.....i should take the goods for free.I'm sure they will be EQUALLY charitable........
What follows is his infuriatingly, ill informed and ignorant reply.
If a cross section of the nation think along these lines, i truly give up
But I make my money legally, that is the point. You exist on the black market fringes of society inhabiting the same space as drug pushers and con artists, I assume having been spreading your legs as a profession for so many years, you must have done some time, surely at your age you do not fancy that anymore.
Give it up and retire gracefully, your writing is quite good, make that work for you.On the points of legality, black market fringes---- laughably 'doing time' and the conceit of a person who tries to tell me when i should stop enjoying myself----- he (though it could be a she) is BANG OUT OF ORDER.
Posted by Letitcia at 06:37 PM | Comments (0)
January 17, 2006
Time and pussy wait for no man
When i was 16 i had a hot date with a beautiful 'Jesus lookalike' who i am going to name and shame. The statutes of limitations having way run out, i am going to expose this thoughtless sod for the pain which i remember to this day.
We had met at the local RAF camp, where once a week, the 'walrus wagon' or the 'beaver bus' (that is what my Ex R.A.F brother-in-law assures me it was called) ferried the young damsels from the villages, for an evening of jolly japes and wholesale shagging with the boys in slate blue.
I remember the minutiae of my dress (A mustard coloured toga which barely skimmed my arse, and barely limbo danced under my father's criteria for being told to change)
A pair of roman sandals which took 20 min to buckle up and triple decker eyelashes...(two on top and one below).
I like to think i bagged the best looking bit of trouser in the gaff, and he was a civilian.
We progressed to gymnastics in his very small car....my false beauty clinging on with the determination of a sea-spray lashed limpet.
By the time i crept home, i looked as if i had been attacked by caterpillars.
After several more meetings i was asked to the 'holy grail' of dating.....to meet both his boss and parents at some posh banquet. I was officially a grown up!!!!
HE LIKED ME...HE REALLY LIKED ME....I WAS NOT JUST A FILTHY LITTLE COUNTRY SLAPPER.
This called for extreme action, to pull out all the stops and knock 'em dead with my attire.
I worked for a clothing company and bought a terribly avant garde outfit....then the high stiletto boots...then, well the kitchen sink.
I was going to dress to impress.
The evening arrived, how could any man fail to be enraptured by this flaxen haired, bewitching fashion plate.
The ETA duly arrived and went, for every car that slowed down out side our country cottage, my heart skipped a million beats.
After 45 minutes, i knew in my wounded heart that i had been 'stood up'.
So intense was the pain of rejection, that i wanted to claw at my skin.
My humiliation was compounded by the fact that i would spend the next few months paying for my dive into retail therapy.
I never saw him again and never received so much as an explanation nor a 'kiss my arse goodbye'
This has formed a rather intransigent way of seeing things where assignations of ANY kind are concerned.
If the person has not arrived by the agreed time---i'm off
Waiting for a thoughtless, selfish, dolt is the most thankless of all tasks, and i simply refuse to do it.
Patrons who arrive late (who have not advised me of revised plan)are routinely treated to the sight of me walking out the front door.
'Letitcia' they will say with smiles of relief 'where are you going....we have an appointment!!'
'HAD'
'Pardon?'
'We had an appointment........ 25 minutes ago'
'But i'm here now!!!'
'And i'm not.......TIME AND PUSSY WAITS FOR NO MAN PAL'
What a legacy you have created Mr. Rip Jaggard
Posted by Letitcia at 08:22 PM | Comments (0)
January 13, 2006
Doggy Style
My name is Letitcia and i am a licorice addict.
This addiction, and the fact that my local licorice dealer even opens his shop when i need a fix, will stand me in the most glorious of good stead for what i am about to do......
I am going to triple my dose, for i need all the ammunition i can get.
I am going to launch an offensive as only a service provider with a bee in her bonnet can do.
I am going to sytemmatically SHIT ON THE DOOR STEP OF EVERY DOG OWNER IN MY STREET and see how THEY sodding like it.
Then, i will press the command button (remotely) on my super duper robot dog: K9-Poo.
K9 will then liberally, and with extreme prejudice, smear my less than scant offerings from the desecrated door- step........down the drive and out into the street,for maximum defilement.
My excrement will be like the '5 fishes and the two loaves' (or is it the other way around)...a little has to go a MIGHTY LONG WAY, MOTHER SUCKERS.
I am mightily tired of the tyranny of turds, canine ca-ca or dog dropping.
Which ever way you cut it....it's vile vile vile.
Why would a stoogie which shoots from MY anus, be deemed to be inferior/worse/more disgusting.......than a cute puppy wuppy pooch.
I would fight it in the European courts---------Discrimination with regard to the expelling of waste matter.
Humans (generally) do it in the receptacle provided....at home.
Why the hell can't dogs??? And if the owner is a dog LOVER,('OOOOOhhhh, he's adorable, just like one of the family really') then let 'Rover' clear his rectum IN THE OWNER'S BLEEDIN'ABODE.
***Knock Knock*****
'Who's there?'
'Letitcia'
'Do i know you?'
'Nope'
'So why are you here?'
'I hereby serve you notice that i am going to take the most satisfying dump of my life....on your doorstep'
'Are you mental, why would you do that you crazy woman?'
''Cos your Burberry coated, diamonte collared, designer clipped, cossetted and spoilt 'Man's best friend' has been doing just that for the last 2 years....it's PAYBACK.
I DEFY ANY COURT TO FIND ME GUILTY
Posted by Letitcia at 10:03 PM | Comments (0)
December 21, 2005
Season to be jolly
There has been a rather splendiferous lamp winking at me to BUY BUY BUY, in (of all places) the home of chinz and all things frilly: LAURA ASHLEY.
I gave in to illumination desire and strode forth into a bad tempered bint.
I had been circling my prey (the lamp) for weeks----it was displayed in the window, and there was 'up to' %30 off all furnishings....and us ladies LOVE a bargain, so that we can justify spending yet more money on things we don't just need but WANT, in the most acquisative way.
On further inspection, i could not find the item downstairs in the soft furnishings section.
Finding a 'sales assistant' to assist is a nightmare at the best of times, but this problem was magnified by the fact that it was Chrismas time, and the staff seemed to have been made up of gormless gels, and frosty harridans.
I chanced my arm with the 'gel' one day and got the standard 'i don't know what the hell you are talking about...please go away...this is too hard and not in the straightforward category'
.
'I'll come back' i cooed
Several days later i saw the lamp was not in the window.
'Ah ha' i thought......maybe it's on sale.
It was the harridan's time to shine her odure upon me.
I walked, nay, sprinted to where i could see the object of my many fruitless visits. And Jesus loves me yes he does....it was on a table where everything was reduced.
'I wish to purchase this lamp' i informed Ms Harridan.
'Furnishings are downstairs' was her curt reply.
'I have been looking downstairs for weeks and there are not any there'
'there are' she snapped....and thus tutting with an air of exasperation at having to actually SERVE a potential customer, she turned on her heel and ordered me to follow her into the wicked witch's dungeon.
I followed with a leaden heart and the feeling that i had been smacked on the back of my legs with her frosty tongue
I should have turned back since i somehow knew how ugly this was going to be.
'THERE'S THE LAMP AND THERE'S THE SHADE' she said glowering with an 'i told you so' air.
'Could you please tell me if it is either on sale or at what percentage it has been reduced to' i patiently enquired.
'The sale finished last week' she crowed.
Now it was MY turn to be exasperated.
But it wasn't HERE when the sale was on, and you would not let me have the one in the window.
'Do you want it or not?' she asked
I should have headbutted her and stamped on her stupid ill mannered prone body.
'Yes' i said meekly.......resigned to my fate: being civil to a spectaculary rude woman.
I trudged back up the stairs, feeling like an utter fool.
'Don't ring it through the till yet----i don't have enough cash on me.....you will have to keep it for me' i informed brittle Miseryguts
'When will you come in for it' she equired with a rising sense of impatience
I informed her that it would be Monday ( a mere day and a half away)
'Oh we can't keep it for that long' she trilled 'are you coming back today or tomorrow.
I knew both days were pretty impossible, but i gave her my details anyway.
I left with the feeling that i had been 'slimed' like the characters in the 'ghostbuster's' movie.
What a miserable old lump of doggy poo she was!!!!!
I am so heartily sick of being made to feel like i am being a nuisance---when all i want is service.
It is a relentless siege.
I passed an equally miserable looking beggar/big issue seller further up the road.
'Spare some change please' he grovelled in a mega pathetic croak.
'folding only pal' i replied....AND CARRIED ON WALKING.
Good will toward your fellow man? PAH!!!!
Posted by Letitcia at 01:37 PM | Comments (1)
December 05, 2005
Killing me softly
I meandered off the beat of my usual shopping haunts, and just for the hell of it entered the portals of a 'cheap as chips' emporium called Primark.
I quickly realised my mistake, hemmed in by humaniods who smelt of old soup, and vile unruly rugrats,----- i beat a hasty retreat.
As i approached the door, a clinically obese couple with 'Mini me' proportioned sprogs saw me.
Yes i was wearing Mink, a Phillip Treacy bespoke hat and Givenchy diamond earrings---doesn't everyone????
'Step aside Sharon, we've got fucking royalty coming through'
Yes, that was what Cro Magnon from the suburbs said to his less than delectable missus.
They follow a lamentable trend which has plagued me all my life.
The general public (in all countries) seem to not only THINK, but SAY things about me which are insulting, rude, or boorish,......and they make their comments loud enough for me to hear.
It's like i am some unspoken 'whipping boy' or a poultice which draws their hatred, and i am there for the dullard's delectation.
So, dear reader...let me take you on a daily journey, and i will allow you to hear MY thoughts as i go about my business. I am too ladylike to ever SAY them, but then, i am not an ignorant pig.
At the Newsagents: 'I do wish you would stop whispering in hushed conspritorial tones to your visiting brothers, cousins, aunts et al----(even though you normally speak great English)--- you lapse into your regional Urdu, Hindi, Swhahilli language---whenever i come to purchase a newspaper. Why don't you just say: 'She takes it in the mouth for cash''
To the Big Issue seller: 'No, i don't wish to purchase your 'last' copy'...you've been standing in various pitches in this city FOR YEARS and i've seen you with your boozy mates and heard you say (when you thought no one was listening) ------'up this street Dave...easy pickings, easy money'
It's your CHOICE so deal with it.'
To the MILLIONS of riders in their motorised electric buggies:
'You're not sodding disabled, you're just pigging LAZY!!!!!'
To the single mums with a 'Croyden face lift'
'If you drive that triple baby buggy into my ankles i'll have your governmental housing revoked. And don't look disapprovingly at ME because i don't get out of YOUR way quick enough---you're not driving a snow plough.'
To all of the unattractive, dirty, grey people who look as if they have been dragged up and pulled through a hedgrow: 'Don't bloody say 'look at the state of that' as you pass me by......do you OWN a mirror?????'
To all of the miserable sods on checkout at the Supermarket:
'If you don't like your life---CHANGE it. Don't push your misery onto me.'
To the new age, liberal parents who allow their little darlings tostrong> squeal and create mayhem in the very restaurants and coffee shops where i try to get a bit of> peace:----'does this look like a bleedin' playground to you...and don't look at me as if to say 'ah aren't they cute'..they are not...they are monsters who must be destroyed, unless you put them on a leash'
And finally, to the woman, who only a few hours ago vented her spleenstrong> (she was practically frothing at the mouth) by strong>saying: 'You silly fat woman wearing that animal around your neck': 'Yes madam and you are ugly--but i can lose the pounds and the animal
I feel strangely better for that.
Posted by Letitcia at 06:40 PM | Comments (0)
September 22, 2005
Running (sashaying) the gauntlet
Anyone would think this was a high profile hand -over at CHECKPOINT CHARLIE----jackbooted, surly, nasty uniformed Nazis to both left and right of me------and NO MANS LAND AHEAD OF ME----where the hell was i?????
I was striding towards the exclusion zone of the Grand Hotel in Brighton.
Yes, Tone and his henchmen in the New Labour Reich were heading our way. Every sex worker knows not to get too excited since thay are shite payers (bar the trade unionists)---but we all have our cross to bear.
A film of sweat formed on my upper lip and back---now that's fine if you're with a man---but not when you're wondering when the thud of the bullet or the sting of the taser is going to penetrate the Erotic Service Provider of Brighton.
I finally MADE IT!!!
I have never been so pathetically pleased to see my mate Jonathan: Head Concierge Man----(one of the few males that can hold an eye level conversation with me)
I went to the Ladies room and availed myself to the complimentary Fizzy Malvern Water------i poured one, and in keeping with my S.A.S/POLICE STATE/COVERT OPERATION/SPY/TERRORIST scenario---i actually REJECTED THE GLASS I HAD POURED AND OPENED ONE WHICH HAD AN UNBROKEN SEAL!!
On leaving the soon to be crime free bubble (though full of the bullshit which pervades politics)i stepped back onto a completely empty side walk-----with the eyes of at least 20 of the toughest roughest men and women you have ever seen (barring backstage at an A/C D/C concert).
I had nearly made it home free when a female police officer (with more X THAN Y CHROMOSOMES) approached me and said: 'hello'
HELP!!!!! My brain scrambles to: 'do not have any information on this' and 'what do i say/do'
If i respond, does that brand me as a terrorist intend on harming the realm--if i don't---do they second guess and give me the 'Marigold Sans Lube treatment?'
Hurraaaahhhhh!! ---i romped home----i mean NOBODY in the ranks of freedon fighters wears an £850 Phillip Treacy Hat!!!!
WORTH EVERY PENNY I RECKON.
Posted by Letitcia at 09:28 PM | Comments (0)
September 21, 2005
Absolute Power corrupting absolutely
When i read the following: " WHO CAN WE GIVE GONGS TO, TO GET A GOOD STORY"-----penned ALLEGEDLY by the rottweiler---ALASTAIR CAMPBELL----i cannot help thinking: HOW ABOUT ALL THE PROSTITUTES THAT YOUR GOVERNMENT HAVE AVAILED THEMSELVES TO????
....or at the very least a token ONE sex worker.
Dissemble your way out of THAT petal.
The Sultan of Spin eh??
I think the public is mightily cheesed off with all of the misinformation, disinformation-----and down right lies that newspapers, T.V (advertising) and even the Police try to foist upon us.
No wonder so many of the population have eschewed the thrill of grubbying their hands with news print or zapping channels on the goggle box. And respect for the law (unfortunately) is at an all time low.
It's all a form of human bondage anyway.
Just feed us dog do do---keep us in the dark---and abracadabra: an entire nation of button mushrooms.
Pliable and malleable, you just pull the strings and we do do what you want (except me).
The public eat shite food, read bollocks and spend so much time working to pay prohibitive taxes--there is not enough time or energy to think and learn---much less unravel all the messages that we are assailed with.
PERFECT for the government....weakened by lack of sleep, lack of knowledge...lack of will-------the plebs are grist to the mill until the day they die.
It reminds me of a book which i will write about later: THE RAGGED TROUSERED PHILANTHROPIST.
One of my favourite books of all time---and it made me angry.
Any way..i digress....about my GONG-------yes MY GONG.
I have greased the wheels of industry far beyond it's capacity to repay me..and i want to arise Dame Letitcia.
The Labour party, (and one or two of my long standing patrons) will be in Brighton in a few days time.....perhaps i should make a speech????
See you there AL
Posted by Letitcia at 10:03 PM
September 14, 2005
That's ma' boy!!!
So, i flailed his bails---and i poured distain on his balls--
(I am speaking of the 6' 5" lad called: ANDREW (FREDDIE) FLINTOFF)
BUT---he has risen from the ashes (OF THE ASHES) of my derision----
I read through tear stained, celebrity/icon eyes-----the following:
'I'm ugly----i'm overweight--but i'm HAPPY'
'....it means i'll be awarded the freedom of PRESTON..my home town'
He then goes on to note that he can drive a flock of sheep (due to the Orwellian, Draconian, or even PLAIN FRIGGING daft laws of this land) through the town centre---drink in any number of the libation centers ---and even get a lift home with the Z-Car Police.
THAT'S MY BOY!!!!!
I take it all back.
A worthy winner---and with ethics to boot.
(It's a lady's perogative to change one's mind)
I LOVE THESE SIMPLE COUNTRY VALUES!!!!!
Posted by Letitcia at 11:43 PM
September 12, 2005
Inauspicious ending
If i can mix and paraphrase my poetry and classic sonnets:
'THEY RAGED, RAGED, RAGED--AGAINST THE DYING OF THE LIGHT----ENCOUNTERING THE SLINGS AND ARROWS OF OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNES----AND NOW THEY HAVE TREATED THE WINNING AND LOSING IMPOSTERS AS THE SAME----AND BECOME----->MEN.........
And what did they do????
Came to claim their worthy crown and illustrious prize...AFTER MONTHS of struggle and toil
After WEEKS of keeping tempers in check and manners at the highest level.
Our crowned gods have: A FUCKING BOTTLE OF BEER IN ONE HAND AND A PIECE OF FREAKING CHEWING GUM (WHICH I LONGED TO DIVE INTO THE T.V AND EXTRACT)IN THE GOB.
I felt so distressed i broke my diet and ate 30 kilos of chocolate.
I'm going to bed----what an anti climax.
Posted by Letitcia at 09:24 PM
June 20, 2005
Birthday Blues.
It was my Birthday a few days ago.
'Did you do something special?' interested parties ask.
The resounding answer is : 'No,i would rather dice with a dead Dingo's donger'
The reason being from an incident precisely 20 years ago---
Sydney, Australia---and my workmates decide to throw a not entirely surprising birthday bash for the 'pommie bird'
Just off the sleazy strip of Darlinghurst Rd was the equivelent of Studio 54, years ago----if you didn't 'look right'--you couldn't enter the hallowed portals of: The Cauldren.
I had been there a few times myself--the doormen/security were familiar with me in BOTH senses!!! It was nothing more than an expensive meat market, but for some reason it was deemed as THE place to see and be seen.
A sit down dinner for approx 60 people was organised, they had a 'Gorrila gram' as i recall----and (unbeknownst to me) they sat my FIVE boyfriends at the time, WITH ME at the head of the main table.
For a while, they didn't realise who each of their neighbouring place settings were--though they were puzzled as to why (since they individually thought they were my one and only)they were not sitting right next to their little cupie doll.
HAPPY Birthday??--you have GOT to be kidding.
The main table was going into a meltdown of testosterone and veiled threats as to what they were ALL going to do with me when they got me home.
I excused myself to go to the toilet, toying briefly with the idea of scarpering completely--then figured 'the hell with it'
I wasn't married to ANY of them. They would simply have to put up or shut up.
Locking myself in the cubicle, i wondered which one i should take home, or indeed, if ANY of them would want to. It was all going so terribly wrong.
I heard girlie voices outside my stall: 'D'ya know whose party this is' one said
'Its that Pommie working girl from the 'Golden Apple'---you know the one with the big tits and long blonde hair' said another
'Shit, i can't STAND that woman--she's always the top earner--i HATE HER' said one of my co-workers.
I knew it was Lisa Leiderhosen (as we called her) from her gutteral German/Austrian delivery.
Let's take stock here--i am trapped in a 'dunny' from which there is no escape...i have people actively celebrating my Bithday who actually dislike me...and my love life looks like it is going down the pan in one fell swoop, since if they don't actully all KILL one another (and it seemed on the cards when i left them)...they will all dump me in a fit of pique.
All i can say is if your bowels turn to water, sitting on the toilet is the place you want to be. THERE IS A GOD!!!
This subject (having 2 parts) will be concluded at a later date.
So to that yearly question: 'doin anything nice?'--my answer is a resounding: 'YES, SPENDING IT IN SPLENDID ISOLATION!!!'
Posted by Letitcia at 07:31 PM