January 03, 2008
Reasons to be cheerful (not alot)
So, it is official.
According to newspapers, Great (ha!) Britain is the worst country in Europe (could have told you that for nothing) and ONE of the worst in the world where it comes to protecting the privacy of citizens.....
So, why don't i leave????..........
Well, for one thing, i have a morbid fascination as to what is going to happen next.
I mean, the state of the nation truly is AWFUL.
My friendly neighbourhood newagent told me of a friend of his who had left Sri Lanka for Pakistan (poor bloke) and then decided to leave there for KENYA!!
You truly could not make it up!!!
Our politicians are no more or no less corrupt than any other nation, and at least i don't get beaten by the sex police for not wearing a fetching 'Chador' and woolen socks....nor do i get batonned by over zealous coppers for looking at them in a funny way...so i guess it COULD be worse.
I wonder what C.D disc of national importance the Home Office has lost today???.......
Posted by Letitcia at 12:51 PM | Comments (0)
February 12, 2007
The Duke of Westminster and his 'hired help'
Oh yeah, big deal, man pays for sex.
Rich man pays for expensive sex even
SINCE WHEN WAS THAT BLOOMIN' NEWS????
Where on earth is the story in THAT????
The News of the Screws have really got to be scraping the barrel with the expectation that the readers will throw up their hands in despair and cry: 'well i never'
Would the nation 'get with the programme' and come to grips with the premise that:
If you are hungry...you visit a restaurant
If you are thirsty...you toss a few flagons of ale down your tonsils in a drinking establishment
If you need to pray...visit a church
If you need a Doctor...visit a Medical surgery......
Now there is a certain pattern emerging here.
So i will repeat the question, where in a mouse's minge is the intrigue and newsworthyness of: a man paying for sex?????
There IS no scandal in that and there IS no shame.
Prostitution is a perfectly reputable profession where a man (or woman) can sate the sexual senses on demand.
It is symbiotic and the ultimate 'quid pro quo'
It is perfectly legal to buy and/or sell (though conditions do apply as they say)
So would someone kindly enlighten me as to why this story might be in the public interest????
One thing is for sure.....after learning the amount given to his hired helpers, i have resolved to put my prices up forthwith.
I am obviously selling myself short.....
Posted by Letitcia at 04:56 PM | Comments (1)
April 14, 2006
Muff Munchin' Muslims
...So Playboy is enjoying a torrid time in Indonesia...their offices have been besieged by misguided Mullahs (are there any other kind)..and their acolytes, and these drongos are burning the place down.
What dickheads......
......they don't mind munching a Mc Burger wearing baseball caps adorned with 'NY' or Nike a-la-Beckham but the prospect of munching an American Mc Furburger ....well.....you catch my drift.
Playboy has arrived, introducing American homespun pin ups to rival the local lovelies and the moral sensibilities of the guardians of all that is saintly and true are crushed and on the moral rampage.
American sentiment being at an all time low...the idiots have gone for a knee jerk reaction........how bloody predictable.
(Have you ever noticed the ones punching their fist of vitriol in the air are not...ahem 'the prettiest boat on the sea'?)
How i despise these puke making punks. They espouse all that (they think) is good and right,though their 'Main man' doesn't even have a FACE....yet if a bit of infidel punani comes their way...they are up it like the proverbial rat up a drainpipe.
BASTARDS!!!!!!....how i loath hypocrisy.
I have seen Prime Ministers, Heads of State, Ministers of all the toss in the uniiverse.
If they have been Muslim......THEY ARE THE WORST OFFENDERS.
SO..you know what?....Eat clit and die you misinformed prats.
**** your stupid homespun pronouncement on high
****your cunting 'we are better than you because our women wear a shitty head scarf'
**** the fact that you NEVER go down on a woman
**** your pathetic belief that 70 something virgins will be waiting to worship you after you have blown your self up......i want to see your idiotic face when you realise...you have been duped
**** your ideology that has brought so much misery to innocent citizens
Basically: **** YOU.
Get yourself a Muslim service provider........and leave us wonderful people the hell alone
**I would say Happy Easter but i think that particular head man is an even bigger twat**
Posted by Letitcia at 11:34 PM | Comments (0)
January 23, 2006
Consummate Professional!!!
Non sex worker's perception of Sex workers never fail to amaze me.
I was sitting in a group of Women, Saturday night, posh restaurant.....except i wasn't eating.........
The ladies were an eclectic bunch, Authors, Columnists, PR people....and me....the token Whore.
Actually that's not fair, i was invited by that naughty scamp Julie Burchill, to come and celebrate the creation of a new production company..... i couldn't attend pre dinner, but i put in a 'guest appearance' in the evening.
Inevitabley the burning question was: 'And what do you do??'
(Julie is excepionally sweet, she does not pre inform: 'HO IN THE HOUSE')
As usual i replied with my standard: 'I'm a prostitute'
After which i am condemned to talking about the sex industry until my departure.
I understand totally, they want to know the nitty gritty shitty details.
'Why aren't you drinking?' they enquired
I told them i had an appointment with a hot young boy...YES BOY...who had the whole enchillada where pleasuring a woman was concerned.
I was not going to mess this up for anything.
'But i thought you girls just took the money and treated guys like shit' was the exclamation
There, at that table, i saw the mountain which sex workers have to climb to dispel myths, untruths, and downright cobblers where the industry is concerned.
I fear it will NEVER be acheived.
It's a wonderful feeling to slope off into the Saturday night ether...and know that you are going to have an orgasmically good time.
I left the girlies talking about all things intellectual, and met my lovely boy.
Like they say in Australia:
'BOX OF BIRDS MATE...WOULDN'T BE DEAD FOR QUIDS'
(i love my job)
Posted by Letitcia at 10:44 PM | Comments (0)
January 16, 2006
A Pro by any other name
Where form filling was concerned, i could never work out what i should put in the space provided for OCCUPATION.....
I toyed with the moniker: 'CONSTRUCTION'.....as in, 'Demolition of temporary erections'.......but as with most things in my chequered life, it was nixed by being too clever by half.
Then i had the wheeze that i could be a 'Public Relations Officer'
True, like most jobs advertised in the Guardian, or the myriad quangos that abound today, it didn't really say much. It was vague enough to fill the space, and sounded posh enough to give me gravitas.
So, on my extensive travels i wrote the legend P.R.O on the varied forms provided at hotels etc in foreign countries,
I did not get a minute's peace.
Knocks at the door, phone calls and messages, unwarrented and unwanted come ons, out of all proportion to my (i thought) low key, sedately dressed stay, were the order of the day ...and sleepless night.
When you are young, all these things are quite a validation of one's attractiveness in the universe, as seen by the opposite sex. At any other time it could be seen as semi flattering
But it bugged me. I was not being shown respect. i felt as if a leprechaun had drawn the words 'please approach for fuck whenever you please' on my forehead.
It did not matter if i payed oodles for a 7 star, deluxe michelin rated 'hotel to the stars',----OR a 50p a night, crap with 20 others in communal hole in ground, complete with cold water shower from a bucket.
I was a flame--nay, a bloomin' burning bush which the moths gravitated toward.
While having a sedate breakfast at the Shangri La in Georgetown, Penang, the beautiful diminutive Noona exclaimed:'You look so young for your age'
'How d'ya know what that IS' i asked
Without a hint of embarassment she told me how when the passports go to reception for 'security purposes'they are scoured for people who may want a shag, partner, be a jeweller, import/export dealer et al......and then all the mates and relatives of the reception staff could 'target market' with impunity.
Very clever stuff
Since my passport bore the words P.R.O...and they could not discern from an acronym and abbreviation..in their slanty eyes (oh, how politically incorrect)i was a 'round eye metsalleh' looking for business.
So by the time i checked into some flea pit in Kuala Lumpar...(i couldn't go into a long drawn out explanation in pidkin Malay/ English to every check in desk) i was ready.
Some bright spark rang my room at 3.am with the story...'maintenance, you have something wrong with phone'
I have heard some pathetic excuses to gain entry to a holiday hussy's room....but this was up there with: 'i won't come in your mouth'
I allowed the ripeness of my bosoms and the 'camel foot'of my tightly fitting shorts to be on display...and waited for the games to commence.
It was delicious to watch a Malay man (and therefore by implication, a Muslim who has forsworn fornacation with the infidel or anyone other than his wife or the maximum allowed four)ATTEMPT TO PRETEND HE WAS CARRYING OUT ROUTINE INSPECTION OF THE PHONE SERVICE.....at that late hour.
I kept the door open to the corridor, as any self respecting single lady would do--just in case it got ugly.
'Where your husband' he demanded
'Dead' i lied.
This was the lie i had to tell all the way around Asia to get any bloody peace.
The concept of a lady not being married and travelling independently was alien to them.
It saved alot of hassle
He suddenly 'found the fault' and excused himself from the 'grieving widow'---what a hoot.
Do you know what my passport says now?
SERVICE PROVIDER.
I had to miss out the 'erotic'
CANNOT HAVE THE NATIVES GETTING IDEAS!!!!
Posted by Letitcia at 11:57 PM | Comments (0)
January 08, 2006
Age cannot wither
An overses patron (oh yes, they worship at my altar....or vice versa, from far and wide)was given the standard grilling which i subject my poor men to within the first five minutes of introduction.......
'So you like the older woman do you' i smugly trilled, since he looked about 12 years old (he WASN'T childcare workers take note)
I was expecting an answer along the lines of:---'so much more experienced----know what they like----more to talk about----not so silly------more attractive with age' kind of response.
Looks like i am going to have to ditch the interrogation.
This was his reply: I ALWAYS HAD A THING FOR MY GRANDMOTHER'S FRIEND.
The implications hung in the air like a lapdancers's pole!!!!!
Posted by Letitcia at 09:49 AM | Comments (0)
September 25, 2005
Quid Pro Quo
Des Lynam: 'Mr smooth, but not averse to succumbing to female flattery (culminating in infidelity)', opined that 'kiss and tell' ladies were merely 'hookers who had deferred payment'
How very true. Apart from those pesky 'add ons'which some sex workers try to wangle,--- an encounter with an 'intimacy facilitator' is perfect in it's symmetry.
You give me..... i give you.....much like the checkout counter at Somerfield....though nobody has ever had to queue THAT long to hand over their hard earned lucre and i fancy the purchased goods are much more enjoyable.
It's the INTENT of these K&T bints that i so object to.
It's the same premise which would see a charge of manslaughter being raised to murder ---it's MALICE AFORETHOUGHT.
Christ these women make me ashamed to be female----and before they start foaming at their well used mouths and proceed to blather on about: 'doing stuff which should only be done in a loving comitted relationship'--PASS THE SICK BAG ALICE.
There's not much love in purloining a 'nice little earner' from bedding a celeb/footballer/David Blunkett/Beckham et al now is there??
Some poor guys have spent time in the slammer because these tarts object to being treated like 'hired help'. If a bird goes to the bedroom of a horny drunk/drugged up twat at 3 in the morning, the outcome is not going to be an in depth discussion on world povery or the works of Plato.
I tell you what, these guys would have less hassle----and it would be considerably cheaper if they just bit the bullet and called in the professionals.
Thats the WHOLE POINT of working ladies: 'a fumble on demand': SIMPLE!!----no agenda, nothing tricky, you never have to see us again, you don't have to take us out to dinner to placate us, time efficiency guarenteed.
QUID PRO QUO (OR IN MY CASE 150 QUID PRO........)
Incidentally, that WAS going to be the title of my BOOK, but as my Essex mate Harry snorted in derision: " Bleedin' 'ell LETITCIA---nobody speaks or reads Latin anymore---the public won't bleedin' understand what the **** yer book's abart!!!"
Ah, SIC TRANSIT GLORIA MUNDI.........
Posted by Letitcia at 11:46 PM | Comments (0)
July 21, 2005
Gay enclave in silent coup.
I always knew the demographics for my city were loaded against HETEROSEXUAL little ol' me, but sod me if the lunatics have not COMPLETELY taken over the asylum-----
Whilst having a pre BODY WORSHIP chat with a patron, he related to me an incident which happened to him several days previous.
There is a rather unpreposessing little Italian resteraunt a stone's throw from where i live---all check table cloths and freshly made pizza----- family run and owned.
My patron (or victim depending on which way you look at it)enjoyed a meal there, and was struck by what a friendly time he was having, both with the staff and other diners alike.
One diner (male) asked him if he 'fancied getting a beer later'
His response was no, due to the fact he had important company work to complete.
The diner retorted:'YOU SHOULDN'T BE IN THIS AREA ALONE IF YOU'RE NOT CRUISING FOR TRADE'
Excuse the profanity, but FUCK ME SIDEWAYS!!!!
I have been so busy tending to my flock and shamelessly promoting myself---that this silent coup (or rather ****dangles limp wrist**** CCCOOOOOooooooeeeeeee!!!!)has somewhat passed me by.
In fact i'm waiting to be exterminated by the Gay police for having the temerity to reside in their midst.
I'm tempted not to leave the house---not even for champagne----they can easily set up road blocks along the main thoroughfare---and if my identity card does not scream raving poofter----it will be the cattle truck to Bognor for me, and forced labour at a Butlin's holiday camp.
The world has officially gone MAD.
Posted by Letitcia at 12:37 PM