April 28, 2006
Dying to get laid.
'He died with a smile on his face'.....how many times have we heard THAT expression......
Here is how OZ 'whore houses' used to deal with that untimely demise while the dead or dying were locked in the arms of a 'comforter of men' ........
I once saw a programme about how happy holiday makers at Heathrow can be transformed to white face ghouls by the sudden heart attack of a relative.
So many people pass through the airport in a day---that statistically it is bound to happen.
While i cannot say that the brothels of Sydney have that amount of turnover, occasionally due to the high octane excitement of being given a 'seeing to' customers have been known to carp it on the 'vinegar stroke'.
Bad enough for a lady to lose a significant other.....but to discover that his last breath was on the perfumed skin of tart is grief beyond measure.
Now we didn't actually have a ' Hospital Theatre' of sorts....but certain medicines were on hand, and besides..... lots of the workers had a nursing background.
It is terribly bad publicity to have paramedics/police outside a house of ill repute...so who you gonna call???
The 'Saints of Subterfuge'-thats who.
Where possible, all gentlemen of advancing years were assigned to a room next to the stairs which led down to the back entrance (OOhhh Matron)......and that was how the grieving widow would be sheilded from the final act of unfaithfulness.
Harold was such a case, he didn't die...but he was always given the 'special room' just in case.
His Missus would never in a month of muff munching have thought her old duffer of a hubby was 'givin it large'
Well, not quite large.......but he tried
He was a sweet old boy, and one day i asked him what he would do if he kicked the bucket while on the job.
The thought really horrified him
'But surely that is the ONE time in your life that you DON'T need to worry about what other people think' i said.
He set his pork pie hat on his wispy haired, bespectacled head and as he bade me farewell said:
'OH NO LETITCIA YOU ARE QUITE WRONG MY DEAR...REPUTATION IS EVERYTHING.
Posted by Letitcia at 01:18 PM | Comments (0)
October 24, 2005
My name is Sperm--SUPER sperm
I love a practical joke...so when my mate Harry was crowing about his prowess and his ability to impregnate his gorgeous partner Tracy (with certainty) ON HIS FIRST ATTEMPT, something had to be done.............
I was lucky enough to be in collusion with the fun loving Tracy----who thought it would be good for a giggle, and she gave me all the ammunition i needed.
This was going to be a great 'sting'
He had boasted to anybody that cared to listen, within a 5 mile radius-----'yeah, i reckon my sperm is turbo charged...it's super sperm'
He was due to go on holiday to see his ma and pa abroad---and to tell them that (according to the pathologists) they could be grandparents once more.
Tracy showed me the test results from the laboratory---so i had the advantage of technical jargon with which to reel him to his impotent demise. What little minxes!!!!!
Timing is everything and i decided to be the bearer of bad news ONE day before he was jetting off to boast of his industrial strength baby batter.
I'm not the best impersonator in the world ( i decided to bring his macho world crashing around his penile prowess via phone) but i do a pretty nifty Irish accent.
I raised it a few octaves to Mrs Doubtfire type proportions.
'Allo!!!'barked Harry (he doesn't 'answer' a phone---he snaps at it like it's annoying him in the middle of knitting a scarf)
'OOOoooo, would that be Mr Jones?'
''Yep' he snarled guardedly
'This is terribly embarassing-----i'm sorry to have to inform you-----you DID have a sperm test on the 15th Feb did you not?'
Suddenly i had his attention, and i detected the smell of fear down the telephone wire. He rapidly switched the background music off so he could hear one of his best mates conning him.
'Yeah, i think it was on that day---is there a problem?'
'Well, now let me see----it's just that there were TWO Mr Jones in the laboratory that day----and i know it's bad luck but the initials were almost the same------and somehow the results got switched------'
I scrunched my fist into the quavering hole that was my mirthful mouth. Delicious!!!!
'What are yer sayin???' demanded a not so cock sure Harry
'Now dear---i know you are upset---and i don't know how the mix up occurred---but your results indicate a low---indeed scant presence of sperm at all!!!!!'
I swear i heard his gonads drop. I thought he took it pretty well bearing in mind that he had gone from hero to zero in the time it takes to say the word 'wank'
He said he was going on holiday---and that he would reschedule when he got back. He sounded crestfallen.
I suddenly felt guilty, i couldn't let him suffer for an entire 8 days.
I gave him a few hours of agony and then decided to go and visit him in his retail emporium.
He was ASHEN FACED.
'What's up?' i rhetorically asked
He tried to act casually---but i knew the fear he was hiding.
There is only one thing worse than being called a dud fuck----and that is an impotent one.
His very 'raison d'etre' was in question.
I patiently let him relate the story, bade hime a good trip and counselled him not to 'worry too much'
As i walked out i said, (IN MY RICHEST 'ORISH ACCENT)----------------- 'Fancy having a scant presence of sperm'
I was 200 yards up the street before i heard the most digracefull barrage of profanity.
Mission accomplished!!!
Posted by Letitcia at 12:13 PM | Comments (0)
August 24, 2005
Vital statistics
This week's edition of Woman Magazine has (yet another) interview with yours truly.
It is the largest selling Mag in the U.K
Did you know that-----
--(and this is according to the headline of the article)---ONE IN 23 GUYS HAVE BEEN TO VISIT A SEX WORKER.
How the ****do they know??
I personally would say the percentage is 85%
Can you imagine doing a MORI poll a-la election time.
Does it mean that if a person standing in the middle of some anodyne and and faceless shopping center asks 100 guys if they have done the deed 'with the devil in a red dress' they will take the results as FACT?
GET BACK,JACK---AND GET REAL.
Where matters of extra curricular are concerned---in the UK anyway----MEN LIE THEIR ARSES OFF!!!!
There is no form filling involved when one wants a bit of rumpy pumpy--no 'how can we make this service better for you' thingy to fill out before you leave.
There is no national census for: 'have you seen a strumpet lately?'
Where do they pluck these figures from??
THE MINISTRY OF GUESSWORKS I GUESS
Posted by Letitcia at 12:03 AM | Comments (0)
July 26, 2005
Lip service
My favourite dish, whilst languishing (moping)in Penang (Malaysia)used to be Hainan Chicken rice.
One day i asked the owners to cook me one that was HALAL--(they advertised that it was available)as i wanted to see if there was any difference in taste
This is what they said:
'ARE YOU CLAZY?'(THEY WERE CHINESE)---WE VELLY BUSY---WE NO HAVE TIME TO DO THE SIRRY THINGS---WE GO OUT OF BUSINESS----WE TELL THEM (MOSLEMS) 'IT HALAL' AND THEY BELIEVE.
Belief sytems are very easy to manipulate: you just need a figurehead,---someone who has been dead for hundreds or thousands of years----lots of robes and jewels, music, incense---a tatty piece of vellum that purports to be a scripture written by THE MAN years ago-----and then you need FEAR AND IGNORANCE.
And folk there is PLENTY of that around at the moment
I have seen very few religions that rule with LOVE.
Fire and Brimstone, The Witchfinder General---Hell and eternal pergatory or damnation (like being put on hold to classical musak when your blood is imploding with hot rage)---this is your fate if you do not do as you are told.
Well i would like to start one.
Naturally it will be called BODY WORSHIP. This time the figurehead will be a woman who is (kind of) ALIVE. Naurally it will be MOI.
There will be no churches, or flagrant waste of money on solid gold domes.
There will be no pope, pontiff or priest to tell you lies and fiddle with the books or your sons and daughters.
You don't have to wear silly clothes in silly colours---and you don't have to be kept in abject miserable poverty and servitude.
What you DO have to do is : 'BE EXCELLENT TO ONE ANOTHER'
Yeah, i KNOW it's a line from BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE---but the sentiments still hold true.
If you fail to comply, you won't disappear or be tortured by the Body Worship Police.
The fact that you will continue living life as a humourless git will be sentence enough.
HOWEVER,---- as high priestess and ultimate SEX GODDESS ON HIGH--i think it is only fair to co-opt the feudal system----that is whereby i get to deflower/teach all male virgins (over 16)who look remotely like (swoon) KEANU REEVES.
C'mon fellas!!! I HAVE TO HAVE SOME PERKS OF THE JOB .
Posted by Letitcia at 12:25 PM | Comments (0)