February 23, 2008
Aussie okker humour
Australians, (with maybe a few exceptions) may be useless where lovemaking is concerned, but they do make me laugh.......
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show...
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers"yes",he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same = three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.
What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: " Jeff ."
DJ: " Jeff , are you married or what?"
Jeff : (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Jeff : "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Jeff ?"
Jeff : "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Jeff ! Is she at work?"
Jeff : (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Jeff : "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Jeff ."
Jeff : (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Jeff : "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Jeff : "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay.. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Jeff : (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Jeff . Where was it at?"
Jeff : "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Jeff : "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Jeff ."
Jeff : "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it.
Okay folks, I will put Jeff on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.
[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Jeff for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Jeff knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose.
Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Jeff : (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) " Jeff , what the hell are you up to?"
Jeff : (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Jeff's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Jeff ....uh, this morning before Jeff went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect is manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, JEFF !! You didn't tell them that did you?"
Jeff : "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: "Up the arse....."
They had to call an ambulance for the DJ. He thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing..
Apperently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions..........
Posted by Letitcia at 01:33 PM | Comments (0)
July 04, 2007
The Diana Concert
Sometimes there is a kind of perfect symmetry in life isn't there?......
There was the uplifting and inspiring concert for Diana, with the hilarious sight of Wills trying to dance and clap and look hip...and failing abominably in BOTH categories (poor Kate if she has to put up with THAT rythem), Ricky Gervais doing THAT dance again...and that Joss Stone can bloomin' WAIL can't she????
Then you have the eejits of Islam hellbent on their verion of punishment because we are the infidel and they have the deluded belief that they are going to take over the entire planet and make it an Islamic State...HUH!!!!
Their merciless, boneheaded actions almost make Hitler look fluffy.
Like the people at Glasgow Airport cried (when a terrorist was being SAVED)
LET THE BASTARDS BURN
Amen to that.........
Posted by Letitcia at 12:59 PM | Comments (0)
June 25, 2007
This government sucks
How come the entire population of the U.K does not rise up and revolt???........
In a week where a loopy judge has let a a paedophile off with a slapped bott bott for raping a 10 yr old, .....where the E.U has issued another brainless edict to give human rights to invertebrates: ie---molluscs, insects etc with a fine of FUCKING A SQUILLION QUID FOR THE TRANSGESSION THEROF and a muted law (not yet passed) of HIDING ciggies to try to stop people from puffing..........
I have no hidden agenda, i long ago stopped smoking...but who are you trying to kid????
What's next? PROHOBITION? A BAN ON SEX PER SE? FREE THOUGHT?
Fuck you, and your over paid corrupt mandarins!!!!!
Posted by Letitcia at 11:28 PM | Comments (0)
May 20, 2007
Freedom is an illusion
Do as we say and not as we do.....yep, that's the British Government for you.......
It is the disgraceful Bill to exempt M.P's from the Freedom of information act that has gotten my french lace in a twist.
They lie, cheat, steal...and then expect to pronounce on high as to how we should live our (surveillance filled) lives......i am spitting (and not swallowing) goose feathers.
I never met a politician i admired (no elaboration necessary)...and only a few have had the nous and the balls to stand up and be counted for sometimes unpopular decisions.
I liked Maggie and her 'this lady's not for turning', she obviously never worked in a brothel before, where the ability to perfect the 'helicopter manouvre' without the use of hands was worth an extra $100 a night to the paying public.
I love the way that the PM of Australia laughs in the face of idiots who dangle their kids over the side of asylum seeking boats (with threats to kill unless allowed to enter) and tells them to seek life elsewhere...he continues with his bullish stance, by being one of the only Prime Ministers who has said: 'OI'...NO...WE ARE NOT SEND ING OUR CRICKETERS TO YOUR CORRUPT COUNTRY' to that thug Mugabe.
John Howard...you are a freaking GOD!!!
I am now thinking of relocating up the road to Lewes, where an MP has called the Bill: 'self serving and smug'
Norman Baker, i am personally going to give you a big kiss!!!
Just to cap the nonsense of virtual felons who pronounce on high to us non elected mortals...i love the way that they they flout the rule of 0870 numbers and continue to rake in millions ripping off us plebs when ringing governmental agencies, when they were told to desist TWO PIGGING YEARS AGO!!!!
Lke that poet Kris Kristoffererson sang;
FREEDOM'S JUST ANOTHER WORD FOR NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE
I had it pointed out to me, by a Tax Judge, that there has never been an Erotic Service Provider in the Houses of Parliament, though God knows, enough of the dishonourable members have availed themselves to the services.
I feel a career change coming on.........
Posted by Letitcia at 03:54 PM | Comments (1)
April 29, 2007
Robot Nation
So, we as a nation are likely to be subjected to robotics looking after the aged and children....and even 'policing' our streets
The obvious answer is: THEY COULD NOT BE ANY WORSE THAN THE PEOPLE DOING IT NOW......
The predictable outcry is: 'Oh, but one could short a fuse and go wrong'
Now correct me if i'm wrong (and i havn't had a bit of correction for some time), but carers HAVE been know to take sadistic pleasure in hurting or abusing those in their care.
Ditto the 'attitude adjuster' in the ranks of our boys in blue (or what ever fashion statement they are wearing now)
Lets make this world a better place, since we are (supposed to be!!!!) democratic....we can have a referendem on it.....but then i suppose they have already nixed that idea with the two biggest prototype robots 'Call me dave' and 'Mr Prudent' going to the polls
As usual, we will just get what we are GIVEN and jolly well LIKE IT!!!!
Oh well, it was just an idea
L
Posted by Letitcia at 01:55 PM | Comments (0)
February 20, 2007
The Tax Inspector raids my vagina
U.K citizens are being bludgeoned by 'lets make a law up on the back of a beer mat' legislations that look into the ins and outs of a cat's bum..........
I often say: 'if it wasn't for bad luck....i wouldn't have luck at all'...but now i'm not so sure.
Mr 'prudence' Gordon Brown is really socking it to the poor beleagured masses in so many ways, i'm sure the public feel like a flippered pinball.
Not me.
Firstly, i don't smoke...so there will be no tobaco tax from ME laddie
I don't drive (well, only a hard bargain)..so no parking permit, road tax, drivers licence, road toll, congestion charge is going to squeeze money out of me sucker!
I am (amazingly) in the appropriate council tax band and my 25% applies annually...though i'm not quite sure where i stand with, ahem 'temporary visitors'...or maybe that is a headache for the next Census.
I do not own the freehold/leasehold of my property...so i don't have to have some government goon rifling through my rooms to seek out home improvments /view or patio(in the event of a sale) for which i would have to pay extra.
I have not ventured abroad since we last bombed Dresden, so no Airport tax is going to engorge your coffers Sunny Jim........and yet....and yet........
Having a bit of pillow talk with a *****Tax Inspector******* no less, i am privvy to information that will strike fear into the heart of every sexually active citizen.
Lets face it, all taxes are presently a tax on FUN AND ENJOYMENT....and now (for once) the powers that be are using their pea brains and going one step beyond.
Yes, THEY ARE GOING TO TAX ORGASMS.
'We have the power and the technology......and we are waiving the 6 year rule....WE CAN GO BACK AND RECOUP AS FAR AS WE WANT'
They have secretly recruited one million vanguards of the vaginal walls and the ajudicators of the jap eye.
They were told it would be a career move to their good (idiots)
They submitted to a centrifugal force so powerful that it reduced them to the size of a pin head.
This secret army creeps a little like a bed bug, through the nooks and crannies of all properties...and crawls inside either the eye of the penis or the vagina of the inhabitants.
There was a bit of in fighting over who was going to get which job with what body part...so in the end they drew straws.
Then, with all the minitaure sensors in place, they record the the spasm of the orgasm.
Of course they will slip this new legislation out on a slow news day and hide it along with the headline 'PUSSY WITH HEAD FOR HEIGHTS RESCUED BY 50 FIREMEN'
They have already one month's data and will be retrospectively billing all the usual suspects very soon.
It is an extortionate £10 a throw.
Now, dear reader...if you are in any way like me, you bung a quick one out in the morning (so that the day is not a complete waste of time), with a slow remedial one at the end of the day (for the prurposes of a good night sleep)...and the peripheral what ever you can get lucky with during the day.
At my reckoning i owe HMRC a million quid (maybe two).
I naturally have no way of paying the damage and naturally i will have to go for voluntary insolvency....or THEY CAN TAKE IT OUT IN KIND.
Best have a quick one now...after all, an extra tenner is not going to make any difference.
** Issues disclaimer**** For the dim witted, i made the tax inspector thing up....they would NEVER knowingly visit a prostitute, and are as honest as the day is long........
Posted by Letitcia at 04:42 PM | Comments (0)
November 12, 2006
Suck and chop
Lets face it folks. The United Kingdom has turrned into a rather shitty place to live.....and i'm thinking of leaving.
Or i WAS..........but then the most extraordinary marketing opportunity was handed to me, from, of all places...THE DEPARTMENT OF WORK AND PENSIONS.
I am going to retrain for a completely different profession-------- and earn £11,000 a throw.
This is the reason: TRANSEXUALS CAN NOW COP £22,000 more from the government (that is why my operating fee is 50%) by retiring early....so best get in quick chaps!!!!!
I realise i will be working for a diametrically opposed team now...instead of being an avowed 'fluffer' of erections...i am now going to chop the bloomin' things off.
Form an orderly queue gents........
'Will it hurt?' i hear you ask
'Well lads' as the joke goes, 'only if you get your thumbs caught!!!!'
Posted by Letitcia at 09:27 PM | Comments (0)
October 29, 2006
Official Irish Dirt
They say its the luck of the Oirish, but this is sheer madness...........
I have heard of selling icecream to Eskimos and coals to Newcastle....even scrunchies to hatchet faced one parent baby breeders, but this tickled my sensibilities.
Two Irishmen, God love 'em are SELLING IRISH DIRT TO AMERICANS WHO WANT IT PLACED ON THEIR GRAVE.
I have heard that a coke habit is God's way of telling you you have too much money, but what does it say about Yanks prepared to pay £8.40 for a 12 ounce bag.
Now i have never bought dope, so i don't know how much this weight equates to, but this Celtic couple have just shipped their first load of muck....all £555,000 worth of it, to the U.S.A.
They say there is a sucker born every minute, (and my patrons would be grateful for that fact) so i wonder what the wild clamour of interest would be for my 'Irish misted undergarments'
Offers to the below address please.......L xxxx
Posted by Letitcia at 07:18 PM | Comments (1)
September 19, 2006
Editing my orgasm (for the P.C brigade)
Normally when i am in the presence of a proficient lover i call out the following: ........
'JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ALMIGHTY'
This audible release will simply have to stop, since this wimp like country is going to the 'dogs of war'
I will have to change it to 'ALLAH AKHBAR' (sorry for typo)
If some poor bloke is imprisoned for 2 days for the crime of: REVVING HIS CAR ENGINE WHILE ALONG SIDE A >BURKHA WEARING BABE AND HER HUBBY.....then i will seriously have to think of leaving my patrons in the lurch and disband to ....er,........i haven't actually worked that one out yet ....but i gotta get out of this place.
The Islamic Duo were said to be: 'embarassed and degraded'......i'm not surprised, on dress sense alone that would be 'nul points'
Oh, come ON...THIS IS BEYOND RIDICULOUS.
It reminded me of the comedy sketch (Alas Smith and Jones) where an over zealous Police Constable arrested a BLACK man 'for looking at him in a strange way'
Or the Sketch (Monty Python) -----where a man goes looking for an 'argument' and ends up in the 'abuse' room.
I cannot STAND the way everyone (including the police) is bending over and asking, nay, BEGGING for a spot of UNCOVERED Anal delight.
What is WRONG WITH YOU???
Stand up and say: 'OI YOU...YES YOU......NOOOOOOOOO!!!!'
To that end, i will (can) preclude any person who i deem to be 'not to my liking'
No big loss......Muslims never go down on you anyway.........
Posted by Letitcia at 04:47 PM | Comments (0)
August 11, 2006
The nanny state does my nut in
Just how long is it going to be before some beaurocrat starts messing with my mojo?
World cup flags were deemed to be a health and safety issue, compulsary rooftop wind turbines are mooted to be forced on us, all in the name of energy conservation....and don't even get me started on identity cards.
This is how i see it:
Some Govenment Inspector surveys my boudoir with clipboard in hand. He points to my mattress.
'That will have to be changed to a Deluxe size'
'WHY' i demand
'We have had complaints from customers that the WORK BENCH AREAS provided by you lovelies are not big enough'
'Who did they complainTO...there is not a prossie ombudsman' i exclaim
'There is now sweetie.......OFFTWAT is the name and there have been quite a few compensation cases arise because of it'
'But it won't fit in the space available....all my mirrors are based around the position of my bed'
''AH' he exclaimed 'glad you mentioned that deary....mirrors are not allowed..health and safety issues and the paranoia of thinking they are being filmed, i'm sure you understand'
I stand with clenched fists, my internal combustion engine on the cusp of implosion. 'Anything else?' i enquire
'Yes, we must have uniformity with all working lasses.......'
'I don't DO uniforms.....'
'No, you misunderstand me petal' he cooes 'you all have to to be the same weight, age, height, ethnicity....'
He scrutinises me and finally opines ' and YOU don't fit into any of the categories.......therefore your right to service the men of the U.K and beyond is recinded'
I am for once speechless.
He coughs and whispers: 'of course if you sucked my cock i could turn a blind eye to your unsuitablity in this Brave New World'
'Nah', i drawl ' i don't see fuckwits with halitosis'
He saunters to the door and looks down the one flight of stairs....'Even if you HAD complied with my request----you would STILL require a Stena Stair lift for the Disabled'
I take deep breath and with all my might kick him in the testimonials...he lands in a disabled heap at the foot of the aforementioned flight of steps.
'Call an ambulance Letiticia' he whimpers
'Sorry matey' i call down 'I DON'T DO DISABLED'
'PLEEEEEASE' HE CRIES
'NAH....MORE THAN MY EX JOBSWORTH'
Offtwat indeed..........
Posted by Letitcia at 07:49 PM | Comments (0)
June 20, 2006
Hot or not
You know when you walk down the street and see a couple------ one is rather ugly and the other is rather attractive.....don't you just yearn to say to the gorgeous one.......
....'LOVE YOU COULD DO SO MUCH BETTER FOR YOURSELF'
Like usually attracts like, so on a scale of one to ten: the 7's pair up with their opposite number----give or take a notch or two.
When people go out 'on the pull' they are thinking: 'i could have him/her'....and assessing whether or not they can get away with a severe upgrade or be desperate enough to downgrade for the evening.
I was once asked by a man who was as ugly as a hat full of arseholes if i would 'like to go out some time'.......
I found the notion somewhat depressing, ie, the fact that he thought he was 'in my league' (i was in the full bloom of youth and pulchritude at the time)...i was therefore less than flattered by his invitation.
It is very hard to be subjective about one's own beauty, so i can only be guided EITHER by the thousands who have been enraptured by my dubious charms OR the thousands who have very kindly voted for me on a dating (with a rating) site.
I am ajudged by 4947 men (i'm ASSUMING they are men)to be (on average) an 8....which i am assured makes me hotter than 78% of the other women on the site.
Not bad for an old bird hey what!!!!
Speaking of old birds, what a wonderful story i saw the other day about a peacock who was trying it's darndest to woo A PETROL PUMP.
They say love is blind.........!!!!!
Posted by Letitcia at 12:30 PM | Comments (1)
January 19, 2006
Prostitutes, pimps, politics and the punter.
The news headlines in the last few days have been providing such comedic fodder----i hardly know where to start!!!!
But, i will try.........
Welcome to an imagined day in the life of 'Sea view parade'
Let me set the scene: Millionaire row, panoramic splendour and gracious living.
The postie attempts to deliver letters, but such is the paranoia of the 'general public', due to the new 'mini-brothel law'....ANY ONE approaching/entering a building is deemed to be doing so for nefarious purposes by the twitching twerps in the block....and standards have to be upheld at all times.
Because he arrives EVERY DAY, an ASBOS has been slapped on his vistational rights by the meddlesome neighbours.
The same goes for the weekly visit of the refuse collectors. Any person, let alone a PERSON TRAMPING DOWN TO A BASEMENT FLAT (and most working flats are located at that level), is ajudged to be about to pay for sex.
And they are whistling too!!!!!
Since they traipse down the basement steps MOB HANDED, it is deemed to be a precursor for an orgy.....CALL THE PADDY WAGON IMMEDIATELY!!!
Half the city's cabbies are awaiting either trial, or a compulsary day course costing £200 to teach them it is wrong to pay for sex.
They have been seen by judiciously placed CCTV camera's spending more than the requisite 7 seconds picking up a (female)fare...therefore the 'kerb crawling law' is invoked.
Ladies walking round in gangs of 3 or more are viewed as the hussies who will be moving to a neighbourhood near you, and subsequently cannot get a cab/or rent a new apartment for love nor money.
Vigillante 'hard on' police are scouring the city to second guess (by the bulge in the groin) the men who may just give in to temptation.
(Men are therefore advised not to carry hankies keys and wallet in trouser pockets to avoid erroneous detection)...suspicious carrier's of hard ons are followed to cash points, and if a withdrawal of more than £100 is found, they are grilled as to what the nature of the purchase might be......if they admit their fallibility, an on the spot fine of the same amount is extracted.
If they hold their nerve under pressure, their turgidity dissipates and they cancel their date with a 'dead cert' anyway.
This is not about prostitution...THIS IS ABOUT HAVING SEX!!!!
If you cannot show a bona fide visitor's pass to your apartment block (and there is a 6 months waiting list, because the postman cannot deliver said passes to said address)........you cannot enter.
Husbands and boyfriends cannot get home to their loved ones.
The morally outraged of the city, beat their breast and cry :'we don't want your sort round here'
The women folk are now free to book Male escorts because they are viewed as 'fun and frivolous'-------- rather than the tawdry dealings of their female counterparts.
How have these gigilos, got dispensation for entry to multi tenanted buildings??
The lady M.Ps (who have helped implement the new sex laws)are their customers------well, the hubbies and lovers of M.P's cannot get home-----so at their ministerial hypocritical best, they take advantage of a buyer's market.
Me?? I'm sorted-----my freeholder assured me......'I have never lived in a building where there is NOT a sex worker....thank God you live here!!!!'
Sorted.
Posted by Letitcia at 10:39 PM | Comments (0)
January 08, 2006
Biosphere Busting (Brave new world)
Letitcia for P.M (no not PMT)
I am the answer to Middle England's pergatory at the hands of the limp wristed, lily livered, bleeding heart wowsers..... that determine the structure and fabric of our daily lives.
And John Prescott has been of great assistance in providing the first step to setting my people free.......
Yes siree, old 'dog jowl two jags' has his uses, and this time he has inadvertently stumbled across an initative which might actually be of some use.
The 'eye in the sky' which is supposed to collate data of EVERY HOUSE HOLD on this festering isle (for council tax purposes) can be co-opted for an even more noble cause.
LETS GET RID OF THE SCUM.
They are a waste of space, and no good to man nor beast.
If you are about to form the words:'you can't say that'......well tongue my bum and get over yourselves.
To paraprase Kennedy (no, not the punk rock group): 'you weak willed willies are always moaning WHY...and I say WHY NOT'
The Jungle is a great leveller, survival of the fittest...and if you are not up to the riguers of life there....then you die.
These muppets, and i don't need to list the kind people who have lost the RIGHT to a place on this planet....are machines that have gone wrong and will STAY wrong.....so dispatch them to the human scrapyard forthwith.
The amount of time, effort, resources and gnashing of teeth spent on these animals (they have self forfeited the right to be in the human race)could power all of the world's nuclear reactors and a trillion sex aids.
There will Biospheres with Prescott's technology.... covering all major cities....(there will be a mop up operation for those in rural England).....information regarding miscreants (BEYOND ALL REASONABLE DOUBT)who cross the line of human being OR being a truffle frotting, feral slime sack----- WILL BE ZAPPED ...by an invisible laser of purple light.
It will go unnoticed by all, except those in the exterminating control tower.
The controllers will be able to see the inhabitants who are up for eradication.
There will be no committee for this....no appeal...no 11th hour plea for clemency....because they (the douch bags)will not know they are up for the chop.
The judge's decision is final...and IT WILL BE ME.
WHO WANTS TO JOIN ME IN THIS BRAVE NEW WORLD???
Posted by Letitcia at 12:28 AM | Comments (0)
December 29, 2005
Alternative Christmas.
Anyone who asks me: 'have a good chrismas?', had better sublet their apartment or have an hour or two to spare for the (truthful) reply...............
Most families have a mantlepiece full of heartfelt salutations from loved ones.
Not the Letitcia family...ours was full of..... advice sheets from the local Accident and Emergency department of The Queen Elizabeth Hospital.
Do we have a death wish or are we accident PRONE??
Not really, though i would rather commit hara kiri than spend one second in the hell hole that is A&E.
Christmas eve morning, and the rude awakening of my mother shouting in a quavering, tremulous voice for me to come downstairs 'quickly'.
'What now' i thought.
The Norfolk constabulary had thoughtfully saved my brother from either danger to his well being or at the very least an expensive taxi fare home.
If you feel the latter is a handy ruse, then simply walk (stagger) in the middle of a main road and they will deliver you to your door.
Unfortunately, broth also had a nasty bump on his head ('might knock a bit of sense into him' as my mother would say)...and advised that it should be 'seen to'
I had this terrible urge to ask the dayglo mr plod, whether he could take my dickhead brother BACK into town....but thought better of it.
A quick phonecall to my Brother-in-law, and at 8.30am it was all systems go, and all of our respective Pre Christmas arrangements were thrown into disarray.
A while later i realised there was something dreadfully wrong with my eye(s)----and whatever it was would not desist, so i took the 'local yokel stagecoach' into the metropolis to see if i could get it fixed.
2Hours after the other two members of my family had lain siege to Casualty, i shuffled into THE WRONG SECTION of the hospital.
Obviously my sight was so impaired, i couldn't correct the country bumpkin cabbie (who kept bloomin' asking me 'you havin' a good Christmas?')who deposited me at some entrance with a wave and point of his his hand.
'I can't SEE' i whined for emphasis.
Finally, i got to registration, and thank christ she didn't just say: 'take a seat and fill in this form'...otherwise i would have written the legend: 'i cannot ****ing well SEE' on A5 paper and strapped it to my chest.
'Surname' she asked.
Now my surname is pretty rare, so when i told her, there was a slight hesitation.
'No' i pre-empted 'that was my brother a while a go'
With the form finally completed, it was phase two of: 'HOW CAN I CONVEY TO THE STOIC, SEEN IT ALL BEFORE, DISPASSIONATE STAFF----THAT I AM THE ONLY PERSON OF THE 50 SOULS WAITING WHO SHOULD BE FAST TRACKED TO SEE A DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY.
I convinced her that acid, or something of a phospherous like corrosive agent was burning my cornea/retina and that the future of my eyesight depended on expedience.
I only waited 45 min, as opposed to the 3 hour projected time wait.
I know police do the 'good cop---bad cop' routine, but this was 'good, soothing bedside manner to the Butcher from Rajastan'
Informing me that i had a badly torn cornea in both eyes, he yanked my head back like a horse doctor, cruelly jammed some shit that made it sting 10 times as much, bandaged me up like the children in need mascot and dispatched me on my less than merry way with:'go to sleep and rest your eyes'
Ha! Fat chance.....and ALSO by chance, my in law was at that very moment searching for me in casualty.
Back home, my Mother was STILL determined to enjoy CHRISTMAS.
As a dutiful daughter, i offered to help her wrap her presents....and was gently chastised for not putting the sellotape in the correct place.
ILLNESS IS NOT ALLOWED AT CRIMBLE TIME.
After another 2 days of painful pergatory.....i came back to Brighton on the same unheated, grossly filth laden and smell ridden form of transport.... which calls itself a train.
When i finally alighted at Brighton station, i eavesdropped on a mobile phone conversation a young bloke was having with his mates.
'YEAH...I 'AD TO GET OUTTA THE 'OUSE...IT WUZ DOIN' MY NUT IN' he said.
Only 2 hours ago, it seems we had a 100% hit rate for illness in our home. The ambulance was called for Mum....though she is ok at the moment.
Crikey, this little Norfolk dumpling of a village hasn't had so much fodder for idle gossip (squad cars,paramedics and sighting of the Letitcia Black sheep) since the head teacher ran off with the dinner lady!!!!
Cannot wait for next year.
Posted by Letitcia at 11:15 PM | Comments (0)
December 14, 2005
wake me up before you go go
George Micheal has been quoted as saying:......well, something very similar to what i wrote in the chapter: 'Charity Chuffs'
'WHAT YOU REALLY PAY AN ESCORT FOR IS TO LEAVE AFTER SEX' was his response (excuse) for/to paying rent boys while in a 'commited' relationship
I wrote:'WHEN A MAN PAYS FOR A PROFESSIONAL,.......THE DOSH IS ACTUALLY 'FUCK OFF' MONEY. IT REVIEVES THEM NOT ONLY OF A WEIGHTY MATTER IN THEIR TESTICLES, BUT THE GUILT INHERENT IN GETTING RID OF THE WOMAN THAT HAS JUST PERFORMED IT'
Harsh words?
Nope, they (the words) are right on the money.
We all know about the 'Hyenna Syndrome'..where you would willingly gnaw the arm off the person that offered an orifice only several hours previous.
That's what prostitution IS.
I once said to a lovely young patron: 'but you have travelled so far to see me'
'Of course' he responded 'you are a sure bet'
So, for your money, you are given:.................
Discretion....ie you are not (or shouldn't) end up in 'News of the Screws' with those bottle blonde (mentality) babe bints, who have bedded an equally moronic Actor/sportsman/M.P
Cleanliness: Working ladies are more aware and there- fore (even if they don't really need to) go for the speculum up the jaxxy treatment..to ensure everything is A -Okay in the 'map of Tasmania'
An environment: where you do not need an excuse. We are busy ladies, so you will need to ship out before our next mini love affair.....which will be a great relief to you...since you need to get home to the missus.
Yes, buying a sex worker is where it's at.
BUT THEN I WOULD SAY THAT WOULDN'T I?
Posted by Letitcia at 11:13 PM | Comments (0)
November 08, 2005
Lightening strikes twice
What are the chances of: Not One, but Two men coming to my apartment (for different reasons) and telling me about a (sexual) stomach churning idiosyncrasy in the space of 6 hours??????
Number one 'sick puppy' was supposed to be filming a 'video nation' short for the internet/T.v
It is ingrained into my conciousness to offer a libation to anybody who walks through the door, and accordingly i asked cheeky chappy with camera/audio equipment: 'what can i get you?'
He surveyed a few receptacles, which due to the early hour--were in need of a wash and rinse.
'This'll do' he said, grabbing a glass which had previously contained washing powder and bleach.
'Bloody Hell' i yelped 'not that one it's had.........'
'Spunk.....have you been drinking your customer's spunk again?'
I think he was only HALF joking........ great frivolity all round and i answered in the negative.
'I do it all the time' he stated in a very indolent fashion.
'Oh, really....that's ...er.....nice'
I have no idea if he was attempting to seem hip, hop, and mega happening (as some do) in the presence of a sex worker----but, that particular refreshment was not my breakfast of champions.
'How did you discover your taste for spunk?' i enquired
He told a story of having been rubbed against by either a teacher or aunt or family member (cannot remember which), at a 'tender age'---and he quite literally self combusted.
His 'Seed of Satan' was very neatly held in his abundant foreskin (isn't nature wonderful).
He was a callow youth needing to dispense with his gunge----so he ate it.
Yea through the dark ages, as night follows day, this has become a curious habit of his. It takes all sorts.
After 5 INTRUSIVE, TALKING ABOUT ONE'S INNER MOST DARKEST DANKEST SECRET LIFE---he had to leave.
I had a booking, and my patrons (it is written in the constitution) DO NOT MEET ON THE STAIRS!!
My booking was adorable (as most of them are)---and post 'blow job to end all blow jobs', i couldn't help but talk about my previous 5 hours with a man who needed his 'protein shake' in the morning.
'Oh, that's normal, i do do it myself sometimes when needs be' he said,----- as he stretched lazily on my mink covered futon.
'You are having a laugh'
'NO' he replied with indignation 'sometimes you don't know where to put it, like, y'know-----if there's not a tissue around'
'YUK, YEEEEUUUUKKKK'i exclaimed.
So TWICE in one day i encountered worshippers of self lurve.
I asked the 'video nation' guy today (the one i have talked filth to for free): 'have you edited my piece yet?'
'Yep' he responded 'but i can't use it-----i should have told you to look into the camera-----d'ya fancy doing it again sometime?'
That, my friends, must be up there with the worst example of disemblence/perfidy, that i also i had from a boyfriend-----when i challenged him as to why he was playing 'tonsil hockey' with another woman at a party, his excuse was:
'I WAS SO DRUNK,.... I THOUGHT SHE WAS YOU!!!!!!!'
Posted by Letitcia at 08:16 PM | Comments (1)
October 13, 2005
It's official
The incompetent pieces of gobshite that are the Brighton and Hove council have instigated a questionaire for sex workers.......so they might be able to implement some policies to be included in a strategy....for dealing with the 'PROBLEM WHICH WILL NOT GO AWAY'
Would it harm the 'keepers of the flame' too much if they had a rudimentary insight into the machinacions of the sex industry in thier city?
I have this very minute completed a form (for which, incidently i will receive the princely sum of 5 pounds) that is so heavily loaded in the direction of THE HOMELESS, THE WEAK, THE PREYED APON, THE SUBSTANCE ABUSERS (I WONDER IF CHAMPAGNE COUNTS!!!)----that i'm beginning to wonder if i picked up the wrong form.
There was one question which left me wondering if i inhabit the same planet as my fellow man:
QUESTION 68 ASKS: 'which policies would you like to see included???'
One proposal is (i am not making this up!!!) ****drum roll for the most stupid thing i have EVER seen in print******
'JOHN'S SCHOOLS WHICH EDUCATE MEN THAT IT'S WRONG TO PAY FOR SEX'
I wrote in the space available 'Are you ****ing kidding me?'
Posted by Letitcia at 12:57 PM | Comments (1)
September 23, 2005
Fear and loathing in my mouth
I had lunch with one of my dearest mates today.
We were nonplussed by the discription:'PANACHE OF FISH'
'What the fuck does that mean?'--(or words to that effect), i demanded (of my mate)-----for i would never address restaurant staff in that manner.
The (foreign) waiter informed us that it meant:'A selection'
Now that is utter gonads.
PANACHE means style or flair.
Seeing as my lunch companion was, for more years than she cares to recall, a stalwart of eating houses of the highest quality.....with a vocabulary and a brain to boot...we talked/sniggered about food terminology that is blinding the eating public with 'Juliennes and Confit's'
So here is a new SEX MENU:
'A symphony of sucking'
'An Aria of Aromatic armpit...drizzled with spices of the orient'
'Trussed Thai Tabasco Tits.....Hot hot hot..not for the faint of heart'
'Medley of mammeries'
' Baroque Baskets of Beautiful Bums'
'Trocadero ofTender Toes..suffused with panacetta of parsley'
'Concerto of home reared cock'
'A fecundity of fuck worthy flaps'(not that you will be able/allowed to)
'Roulade of rear end accompanied by home made organically grown sage sauce'
'Pasadoble of pussy---simmered in it's own 'jus'
'Pulchritude of Punani---- Surrounded with fruits of the forest with a smattering of icing sugar, drizzled with pinenuts gently topped with the softest of cream'
BUGGER ME, THAT LAST ONE SOUNDS SO GOOD, I'M GOING TO EAT IT MYSELF
Posted by Letitcia at 11:47 PM | Comments (1)
The price is right
The first thing a new patron says when entering the hallowed ground of my apartment is NOT: 'you don't get many of those to the pound'.....its: 'may i use your bathroom'........
Seeing a sex worker for the first time is, for many, a nerve wracking experience----it tests the water works and the control of the anus.
I have learned to stand in the doorway with fluffy towels and the command: 'it's that way' before they have uttered a word...like the world's ultimate mind reader.
Depending on how playful i am feeling, when asked about the availability of a toilet, i say either (like Lady Bracknell):
'A TOILET?'----'Oooo we don't have those kind of Modern conveniences....i just go out into the middle of the road and do it there'-----OR
'I'm afraid that's extra sir'
They are often in such a state of high expectancy, that by the end of their 'Trauma' (Body Worship session)---- THEY TRY TO PAY ME EXTRA FOR THE USE OF THE LOO!!!!!!
Those pesky little add ons eh???
I have heard of places where you need a pocket calculator, slide rule and a logarithem table, to work out the cost of the service.
It's the reason why i 'keep it simple' with my pricing---pretty much ALL YOU CAN EAT (finger food) 'SURF AND TURF'--within a specified time frame time. I don't want to lose the momentum once my creative juices (and his) are flowing. I don't want to renegotiate pecuniary advantages and go into battle all over again.
As Arfur Daly would say: 'the world is your lobster'
A reverse scenario would just be too unpalatable.
Just imagine--------
'would you mind taking your clothes off'
'that's a fiver extra that is'
clothes having been taken off:
'would you take your bra off'
'that's a tenner more'
the knickers still in place:
'and your panties'
'twenty quid'
'can i touch you'
'no, fifteen quid'
'how about oral'
'seven pound fifty'
'without a condom'
'another fiver'
'do you kiss'
The lady thinks long and hard:
'Well, ok another tenner'
'can i have sex'
'thirty quid'
'how about without'
thinks long and hard and begrudgingly answers:
'as it's you...another twenty quid mind'
'can you put some clothes back ON and do a fantasy'-----
AS YOU SEE,the list is ENDLESS.
When you see an 'A' Board offering lunch for an all inclusive price---you don't expect to spend any more than the going rate (drinks excluded).
Then there's the COMPULSARY SERVICE CHARGE.
Can you imagine how THAT would go down (no pun).
'that's an extra fifteen pounds sir'
steps back in amazement:
'for what?'
'service charge....i was nice to you....i got you out the door with my prompt service so you could pick the kids up from school....AND i did it with a smile.....fifteen quid'(a mere 10%)
'this is outrageous'
'and so are your demands'
Somehow i don't think it will fly do you?
Posted by Letitcia at 11:15 AM | Comments (0)
July 09, 2005
The Ghost of the Fens
Every body was talking about it---finally, a bit of excitement in the wastelands of the dreary (to me) dismal Fens.
I was determined to superslueth and get to the the heart of the matter----------
I once had a boyfriend (hairdresser), whose name has since become a swear word in my Mother's house.
She was gutted that i had given him his dating 'P.45', since he used to give her the going rate for 'hairdos for the mother of a loved one'
His brother- in- law was a postman, and on one Sunday lunch he actually spoke to me in a semi civil manner.
This was a cause of great astonishment to me, since the hairdresser's family froze me out of any/every conversation, and his harridan from hell mother was the worst offender.
My crime was to be too trashy (peroxided hair), tarty (fishnets and sky scraper stilletoes---- with barely there mini skirts), braless (and boy were they big and firm) and basically not good enough for the likes of them.
I was too young to have found my voice in those terrible days and they really made me suffer: ****a nervous tic appears in this writer's eye at the very memory of it*****
The brother in law was talking about an apparition that appeared out of a copse (small wood) within a mile of where i lived.
The postmen (at the central sorting and collection office)were scared witless. Nobody wanted to drive the mail van from Kings Lynn to collect from my village because every Sunday for Months the 'ghost' would pass in front of it---in exactly the same place.
I thought it was all jolly exciting and against my Mother's fervent instructions not to 'go up to that bad place', i took a constitutional as usual, after i had devoured her best in the world Rhubarb Crumble
I was a bit disappointed not to see the ghoul, though i DID see the mail van doing about 80mph in a 30 zone.
I caught sight of his face----he looked as if he had seen a ghost.
I repeated this every sunday for weeks---having a walk, picking wild flowers/berries or gardening being the only thing to do in my Norfolk hamlet after Lunch.
The next time i saw the brother in law he said that it was touch and go whether they could find a volunteer to collect our mail in the village, though he was next up for a tour of duty.
They felt it must be a poor soul who had lost her life in that place many years ago,
'Why do you say that?' i asked
'It's the clothes she wears'he replied
'Well what kind are they?' i pressed
'They used to wear hats years ago didn't they-----and she's dressed all in black----right down to the floor---she wears one of those old-fashioned furs with tails and feet all over the place----her face is deathly white and her lips are bloody green'
HE WAS IN FACT DESCRIBING ME.
I was the 'ghost of the fens' due to the fact that my mother thrives on routine. I would finish my repast at EXACTLY the same time, wear my 'winter uniform' as described by the scaredy cat mail boyos---go into the wood to pick primroses and violets for her AND EMERGE bang on 3.15 just as their van would hurtle round the country lane.
Could i help it if i was years ahead of my time with the angst and ennui ridden GOTHIC LOOK?
I had a cunning plan.
The next Sunday i was waiting for him, and when he rounded the corner i waved to him.
The next time i was at the family from hell's home i asked where Peter was.
'He's on sick leave' they said gravely 'his nerves are so bad since he saw that woman, that he cannot work'
'Oh, what a terrible shame' i offered, suppressing a wry smile.......
Posted by Letitcia at 02:13 PM
June 21, 2005
Has this world gone completely bonkers???
I read the other day that some enterprising chap had CAPTURED CELEBRITY AIR--by being in close proximity to Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.
He had the foresight to take a picture of himself capturing the rarified essence--and is now FREAKING SELLING IT!!!
In the spirit of this utter madness, and with tongue firmly in my OWN cheek....all interested buyers can now avail themselves online to:
All domestic vacuum dust from every part of Letitcia's home.
Naturally the closer the dust collected and retreived from Madame's boudoir, the more expensive the price.
You want my rubbish?---then come and collect---collection times are in line with my own refuse contractors, that way, if you stuff up and miss your allotted time for extraction, it will still be out of my way.
Alternatively you can chase it up the road and beg for my rubbish. They may think you are a complete TOSSER, but hey no guts..no glory.
Public and Bank holidays mean that collections are usually one day after normal times.
If you want the sweat from my fevered brow and/or rung from 'intimate'
pieces of my apparel, kindly review meterological charts for the hottests days of the year..it doesn't matter which day, i'm ALWAYS working my bollocks off.
Hell, i've just had an epiphany--lets cut out the middle man---COME ROUND AND DO MY SODDING HOUSE WORK and BATHE ME AND WASH MY CLOTHES.
that way you get the desired effluent and i get treated like a Goddess---which in any case is what i deserve.
The X rated part of this fantasy will be continued when i have the inclination---so until then--SUFFER BABY SUFFER.
Posted by Letitcia at 08:04 PM